The onset of midnight never fails to put me in this pensive mood, crouching like a sleuth waiting to rob my sanity as the minute and hour hand of the clock tweaks closer to meet at 12. Thoughts just starts swirling like some vortex that sucks me in involuntarily, and plague my deepest recesses, while i contend to try to make sense of it. Most of the time, like now, it's just a vague and random unease of what the upcoming commitments, tasks at hand, and as usual, the same issues that i haven yet come to grasp the totality of it. So they continue to exist as fragmented thoughts, that i cant rein in. It used to be bouts of teenage angst about why things are like that, then trying to attach reasoning to that. As much as things do happen for a reason, i've come to terms with the fact that sometimes the reason of it happening is no reason at all. Now, apparently nearing the dusk of teenage-hood, i cant point a finger towards the direction of random teenage angst being the causal link to these free-floating thoughts. Hence, for lack of a better word, i shall call it a quarter-life crisis.


Being in a more comtemplative frame of mind, i can safely say that the constant feeling of a yawning chasm within is due to a lack of a focus in life. Pastor Goh was saying somewhere along the lines that if you lose you end in mind, there is an inherent tendency to grope your way around and totally miss the reason that started you off in the first place. That only happens when people drift away from God. So lacking of the faith and trust in him, which results in being lost in the spiritual maze. Somehow, the notion of existentialism came back to me. I don't exactly feel that im living so to speak, but more often than not, existing. Just like in the play, Harold Pinter's The Caretaker, the protanganists are trapped within their small world, dallying with the nitty gritties, with no focus. Merely existing. This is not good at all.


There is always this recurring thing that happens to me. Its pretty warped. How should i put it..its like when i'm say, with a bunch of friends, laughing and talking, i can see myself as in this whole situation as an impassive third party. Which is pretty mind-boggling because physically engaged in the conversation, but mentally im drifting off. Frankly speaking, nobody has thawed this cold wall of resistence, and i don't think others totally bare their souls either. Fair enough. But again, you really hafta consider the sanctity of emotions. Some thoughts cannot be replicated into words or expressions, whatever. Talk is cheap. If words can replace emotions, it isn't santified anymore. They are solely attached to the individual alone. That's the futility of words. You can talk, you can converse, you can share your thoughts. But words don't make your knowledge of the person any deeper.


That is the weird cynic peeking from the elusive somewhere.


Other times, its far too draining to think of these thoughts, where there is simply no end. So probably existing is better. There are no abrupt random thoughts to throw you off tangent and send emotions on a tailspin. I've no idea where this entry is heading too, so again sometimes no reason is the reason. That isn't the most intelligent way of drawing a conclusion to things. But oh well, gotta trugde back to biological existentialism and structural functionalism-- albeit with great reluctance, and somehow coax myself into getting some tutorials done.