haywire

i postively tink tt im going haywire. from a happily pissed off kuku yesterday to a kuku nonetheless, but this time a sad pissed. must be going mad. feeling green. seeing green. literally. getting sappy (as always). tink im a plant, coz ive got sap flowing through my veins instead of blood. aniwaes, dere's always seem to be the need to look really calm and collected, like nuthin can get u down. beneath that is an emotional wreckage. okie, realised tt this sounds like a schizo jibberish rambling. so im tryin to hide my feelings. very well, i admit i am, tt's because haven came to terms with it. it really sucks like the toilet bowl pump. im feelin clogged up.

see..itz my fault that im feelin tis way, simply because i allowed myself to. but now, sinkin into this denial mode, tryin to thrust de blame on smthg else, anything. seriously, it doesn't help coz the more you deny a certain feeling the more it comes back like a boomerang to whack u doubly hard. hate it, absolutely. abhore it to the core. this really sucks, besides the word "suck" cant find another word in the dictionary that expresses this exact feel. it really isn't a whoozy headed feeling but im genuinely perplexed. And tryin to much avail to verbalize this emotion.

man! i screwed things up again. why do i always have this knack of screwin up. such a basketcase. tis is really insane. im not making human sense. sheesh, dun even know what to say. talked to sabai juz now, managed to sort things out a little. after we hung up de basketcase emerged again.

okie i shall attempt to unknot this tangled mess. first being passive is one of the biggest mistake in life. Because u simply meditate vegitate and do nuthin. de most pathetic thing is not because im guilty of this. but im guilty yet sulk complain & whine.

haizz..after blasting it out for awhile. feels much better really. come to tink of it rationally, actually nuthin to get worked up, and fray all de nerves. hmm..now beginning to appreciate the phrase "empty vessels make the most noise". you know..a little less conversation a little more action please. then at least the chances of saying something stupid or something wrong decreases. tis is the lesson i've gotta learnt to minimize de tendency of saying smthg only to regret later, and there's no way to retract tt.

still feelin a lil green. and a little frazzled.