mad so mad

It is really kind of disturbing how a rainy day and some sappy songs playing on itunes can actually make one so susceptible to the onslaught of emotions. This is totally not good, cause the feeling basically numbs your rational mind and your feelings manipulated to feel the same way as the emotions of the song suggest. So nope. I am so not gonna get into that basketcase state. No point really. Anyways, I decided that maybe I shouldnt just go on random dates anymore. I dun even know what has gone into me really, that I actually agreed upon that. In retrospect, that is not really very emotionally fulfilling or whatsoever. Basically it is all those playful jibes here and there and some conversation which barely skims the surface of any sincere exchange. I am not saying that they have no personality, but rather the conversation was lacking in depth really. Makes that kind of skirting the frivolous stuff. I never liked that feeling, it defeats the point of having a conversation, without that connection between two parties. But probably it is just me. It takes two hands to clap and one hand to slap anyways. So it is kind of unfair of me to pass judgements just like that. Who knows, I may have actually talked in a manner that suggested that i possibly had the complex personality of a amoeba..whatever that spells. Yep. So sometimes it is simply too tiring to engage another person in a sincere conversation, to actually put your heart out to listen what they have to say. Therefore, there is always the easy peasy one-size-fits-all weather talk that applies to ALL conversations. Totally guilty of that. It feels naked to pull that facade away, to involve another person in some semblance of a heart-to-heart talk, or to draw the person within the confines of your comfort zone, to share mutual feelings, blocking out the rest of the world. But then again. This feels highly claustrophobic, to be kept within a small little space of two. I always feel like escaping into random talk whenever this occurs. So it is pretty much like a love hate relationship. I want to get close to people who are really engaging, those who really have a opinion on things, those that provide alternative views on certain matters. It really gives the feeling that you have been smarter in terms of a wider perspective of things. This feeling is very fulfilling to both parties. One gets the alternative view, the other is rewarded by having another person see an opinion from his angle. Oh wow. Probably everyone feels this way too. I guess with regards to building fulfilling relationships, there is always indifference and insecurity sabotaging the whole situation. I have read somewhere that indifference is a far worser punishment than hate, cause basically you dont even bother to care about the person's existence. The word insecurity is really ironic. In security and insecurity are totally two different issues altogether. One is being sure, one, totally being unsure of. Funny the uncanny resemblance of the two words visually, but so stark different in reality. I dunno what point I am trying to make here, but really it is something in tandem with being unsure of how secure you can trust your gut to open up to a particular person. Honestly, I am going off my rockets once again. I dun think anybody understands these jibberish random musings. Ah..see i told ya..this is the extent of lethal potency a couple of sappy love songs does to your rational mind. It kills your sappy defence mechanism within and makes you feel all mushy tushy inside out, if not it makes you launch into some thoughts that seems to sound like a modern day Confucious, albeit one that has gone a little ding-dong up there. Ah i need my anti-biotics to fend off these crazy thoughts. So hey there will itunes just bring up some nonsensical rappy song? Oh well..come to think of it..I think andy lau's Wang Qing Shui will do..hahha..so apt! And wx..i swear on my werthers original that this joke was really truly honestly seriously..not a dig at you. =) And i was seriously.... Joking. Tee heee heee.. *twirls hair and spins around in lunancy*