confused

Today, Josephine made a remark to me at church. She asked me why the absence from cell the night before. In fact, i have been absent-ing myself more often than this once, this year. Anyways, i could sense her displeasure,and was quite taken aback. Its a mashed up feeling. For one, i still don't feel like attending cell because i dont wish to be asked why i have not been attending cell regularly. So it pretty much self-perpetuates in that way. At this point of time, i cant appreciate the purpose of cell. Not that it is purposeless. It is purposeful if there is trust and connection binding every single person and everyone shares at that same level, and takes effort to let others in to the issues they are facing. Then there is spiritual support that a brother or sister in christ is there to take you through, and doesn't judge on whatever that is said. "..But i have not found one spirtual buddy," methinks. And this is one of the reasons i tried fabricating to my conscience, to weasel my way out of that unease and into a pseudo-justification about the lack of attendance. This is being dishonest to God and it is flimsy reasoning, i realised. Definitely there are people within the cell that has reached this comfort level. It is good that they found their connection within the cell itself. At this juncture, i am still wondering, and praying that He can answer my questions. Because, i don't wish to go to cell, feeling like its another tutorial, looking at the bible study book and reading the passages and discussing the questions that follows. It is strange, because there is comprehension at a thinking level, but doesn't speak within. There needs to be a revival, a thirst to seek Him. A need to put Him in focus again.


Got to make a confession. The book that the cell went through together, A Purpose Driven Life was meant to be read daily for 40 days, and later discussed during cell for the next 6 weeks that follows. I crammed 7 days worth of reading in one day prior to cell, and this isn't exactly what you would call, good attitude. =(


This is such a faithless post.