Ah Dot commented that my blog is getting analfrivolous! Which is really true, cause a quick scroll down proves this true. Sometimes I do forget that there is nothing private about having a blog with blogspot. That explains the sporodic rants that sound insane, cause I just type type type and there isnt a coherent thought process that speeds through the head. Beachiness was out on last fri, I couldnt make it. Good to see the pics though. Anyways I came across something interesting. It may not be oh-so-new-stuff to most, its just a perspective to things i haven seen before. So it says, the fear of rejection stems from a lack of self-esteem or confidence. Damnfully true! So Ah Dot was prancing and blowing some hot air over the phone just now. She said it like she thinks it is hot. I threw her a celery stick. She caught it and spanked me with it, I yelped in mock agony. We did our weekly grand slams, sarcastic jibes at the melo-drummer-boy-who-lives-a-berlin-wall-away. Laughed like wild crazy hyena, a-great-deal. I told her i need no support, physically. She told me i was sick. but i assured her it was really something she should go try, as per recommended by sb. this is really superficial talk! and it seems to me that i cant go into wat that is really bothering me and im just skirting round the borders. Dipping fingers into the cream without actually jumping headfirst into the cake. Ok. woe to me. I dreamed a little dream of him, sweet dreams are made of these.. who am i to disagree.. i travel the world and the seven seas.... bah! ok. subject proper So! see im being damn freaking true to myself, im not lying, im not skirting the issue, im not being elusive, im not being conscious.. And it seems really stupid to be thinking of someone who doesnt really give two hoots of your existence presence absence or nonsense. But i really cant help thinking about gabriel. oh ya, thats not some ficticious name or what. So this time i dreamt of him, like-what-is-new. a tad different cause this time it was really a NICE dream.. I find it really pathetic to say the least to be living a life in a constant dream, or constant daydream , may i add. My confidence took a beating, not spanking. I feel ridiculous myself, to admit that. It is the vibes that he gives off, the quiet confidence, the charisma, the bear-ish ooh ive got my hand stuck in a honey pot kind of a cutish appeal. But really it is the quiet confidence that is really attractive. So when i see him, basically i pretend i din see, not because im indifferent or what. Like the emotions are going a flurry inside me, i just don't know how else to suppress it but to avoid it. I really want to talk to him, just ask him how is he doing nowadays, how is he getting by, how is his mood, how is the weather.. ok, maybe not the weather-talk, but ya, damnit, this is not a possibility. Cause we haven been talking for so damn long? like 1 yr? sucks really. Im not fishing for attention here, its my blog. Nothing much to fish for. I miss just seeing him. So psychotic this sounds. Most psychotic is i actually went out with a guy whom i thought bore some resemblance to gabriel, but it did so bore the hell outta me. Ridiculous! We went out for even a few dates, and ya, he asked me to be his friend-girl. I was actually considering. That is the MOST ridiculous. Actually i haven told anyone about this before, ya, nobody at all. So ok laaa..let me be frank here. Now you know why sometimes i seem very not free. Thats why..Anyways, control as you might, sometimes liking someone has absolutely no rational reason. You simply like. Maybe im liking a perception, who cares. I just like. Well, i miss talking to him, even though the talk we had were mostly short ones, but he's a nice person. Ok, now i dun really know. I am confused. but i still like gabriel. Maybe for all my hallucinated thoughts. Allhail to them. Gee...thats a load of my chest. my figur-ative chest. I need no support k!