Total Burnt Out

It sure feels detached to be going through the routine activities, or rather the routine passivities devoid of an iota of emotion. This is not living, but purly existing. I really wanna see the light at the end of this abysmal darkness, just a peek maybe? To let me inch slowly towards it? but hell no, that light at the end of the tunnel could very well be the light of the oncoming train. I just have to stand there and let it come and take me away. Or can i just escape.

The last thing i want is to bother my friends around. Totally waste their time. Oh well, saw Holly today at the free access lab. Sigh, at that instant was sheer relief and it was so comforting to see a familiar face. i almost had this girl-y instinct to just hug her, erm..in a friendly kind. Instead of telling her how ecstatic i was to see her, out came a very passive "hi", which TOTALLY belied the strong emotions inside. I dunno why though, probably feel kinda vulnerable expressing the undercurrent emotions. Which by the way, is ALWAYS very strong and intense. Ya, tink i really miss staying at her hall, all the late night yakking and all. Gee, come to think of it. The impetus of staying over was often driven by a very ambitious, but yet very deluded aim to pia through the night in a frenzied mugging session. Coz i will always lug one sack of textbooks to cheat my conscience into some semblance of time to be spent in constructive study. Oh well. Too bad that the grandiose plan was always foiled by several bouts of yakking high, and an occasional eUrEkA! moment of oops-i-feel-so-fat-lets-go-and-run now. Aniwaes, my sorry conscience was surprisingly not feeling a wee bit sorry. Reason being Holly has a very angelic face that literally speaks to me in a way such that it absolutely synchornised with my indulgent thoughts. Well the face speakeths to me"nay, thou shalt not study, lest thou wouldst be condemned in greatest misery".

This year's (deluded) resolution was not to complain. Okie so i was lying through my loose tongue, gap teeth and fat flopping mouth with springs as lips. Watever~! **go away!** If you dun wanna listen go pour candle wax in ur ear to add on to all the ear wax. I'm sure it will help? **blink**

Sigh, all we talk about in school is earnings per share, bond prices, money money and how to make more money. Fanatical man. Who needs to know so much in the first place. See.. Silas Manor got helluva bling bling, but what happened? All kena stolen. I'm so missing lit. At least there's Plath to console me that there are sad sobs in the world. Some Ishiguro to remind me there's some one else more trapped in self-denial then i am. Cleopetra who set the benchmark of a total drama queen cum menopausal basketcase so high i cant possibly surpass. Who cares bout which freaking account to debit or what financial leverage ratio? I dun even give 2 hoots about it. Man...you know really, sometimes follow your heart, not ur rational brain that tells u to go into smthg cause it's more practical. I'm kinda regretful of the decision at times, just because i went to a course that is deemed to be economically viable. So its like being a whore to the education system, learning the business of which is really none of my business.

Whatever it is,a decision made is a decision made. I'm just resting my faith in the hands of God that no matter how bleak the situation might be, He has his plans. I guess this is the only solace i can rely on. Coz i've been thinking myself to death, and have yet to find a resolution to all this fluctuating emotions. Guess I'm like the ant on climbing up the coke can, hahaz, the fattest one. So myopic that I can't appreciate the richness of His plans as yet.