silent reflections of a confused soul

I really need and hope for something good to happen in my life, something absolutely wonderful and purposeful. But somehow I feel that I dun deserve nice little blessings to come walking by, being the nasty person I am, all the lousy thoughts and all, blessings should descend upon nicer, sweeter people. If there's a priority system with regards to blessings..argh..maybe its a good idea to brace myself for bad stuff coming my way. And i dun even have a clue what I'm rambling about here..dreams will always remain as elusive as an oasis in the desert of hope. Getting wonky already..or maybe i should go get a life. Neither is this a call for attention, so really, the last thing I need now is asking me to cheer up, when simply there's nothing that is brings a cheer. Abhore this kinda pathetic mood, really I do wish i were one of those happy, sweet girls. They seem to have this very postivity to them that I really envy, yet at the back of my head, wondering cynically is that all a show of bliss. Of course, would love to think that it is the former, not the latter. Ah..what is this wretched mood-swinging devil that is dancing and prancing around in my grey matter. So much so that I really cant take it anymore, or is it because I'm too spiritually detached from God? Weak and random is the human mind. Try as you might to comprehend, understand, but why does it always elude? This is getting ridiculous, not only am I thinking myself silly, I'm actually posing questions to Blogspot. This is not a sudden bout of sadness. It's a emptiness inside, a void. I acknowledge the fact that the decision to go Business is a wrong one indeed. But my sorry ego refuses to admit. A good friend suggested swapping course over to Fass, but again I dun wanna let myself off that easily, the more irriatating it is, the more I shouldn't bow down to it. That sounded macham as though I'm damn determined, but I guess not. Its the sorry ego, or maybe I just love to torture myself? Hah.. So what now, the vacuous void inside is sucking me into this abyss, for which I have no clue as to where it heads to. I pray for strength, guidance, cause as much as I try to pose a brave and happy front, somehow, I wish it was a true reflection of the inside. Its a whirl of confusion, trying to find my way through life for which I see no focus and no purpose. It is in these moments, sadly, that I realise how weak and insignificant I am without Him to guide me. Neither is it good to plague my friends with my ridiculous problems. Somehow, it will only bring shit to their lives, and that I can't bring myself to do. Nobody owes it to anyone to shoulder any of their problems, and even my best friends have their own lives to lead, problems of their own. It is simply not fair to unload my burden and place it on them. Maybe some problems you can actually talk about them, but there are some, that should jolly well be kept within, internalized. Just need a clear distinct focus, plus an idiot-proof map and a compass to slowly, find my way there. I happened to view my previous entries, and wonder how it is ever possible to blog such anal stuff. But again, maybe I was cowering behind the frivolity, but now its really tiring to put up another hapy facade. Ah..I'm getting so wonky, and my head hurts. Should go and do my project now..why..