Excuses

Just like ass-holes

Everyone has one


Apparently,

I have ONE toooo many..

Maddy veggy

If moods can be expressed in terms of colour, mine would be shit-black. It is highly terribly disappointing to fail to meet targets that were set on a daily basis. It makes me question my ability and threshold towards stress. Apparently its so damn weak. Sucks even better when others can perform, but my discipline level is appallingly infantile. Either that or I'm move just as fast as a paralysed snail. Bah..I must get out of this veggy state. Who in the world says two servings of veggy gives good health. Please, excuse me while I bring down my eyeballs. I'm so vegged out, my mental health is zero. Pisses me off my rockets everytime I think about this. Ah..so mad at myself! I shall go and meditate vegitate to zen out all these negativity! Lalala...

Ms Pissy-come-try-piss-me-off is back!

So now..will she please for goodness sake...

Piss off?

grrr..

swinging on the mood swing is terrible!

am i really THAT bored?

Yay, I'm on blog diarrhoea mood these days, judging from the truckload of mental garbage I've thrown here. gRr...reason why I'm here is to complain. Of course this was meant to be a place to rant and stamp my feet, and very possibly, step on some ants, or throttle your toes. Oh well..anyways, dont' ever buy those tall tales of HOW TO GET A NICE TONED BUTT, or anything along the likes of it. Its really untrue. I saw this article on how to get a pert butt in 7 days, ya that kind **points finger to throat**. So apparantly you have to squat in varying positions, and guess what? Not only do I not have a pert behind, I end up getting very pert-urbed. I guess those squats only makes your butt crack, literally crack. Oh well, frivolous talk is good, anal thoughts are gold. I'm sick of all those melancholy. Sure, I do get them from time to time, but I suppose its better to exercise some discretion as to what to say, and what to internalize. Dwell too much on it, and you may very well think yourself to melancholy land, where everyone has that gorgeous face of a goth-looking witch. Really, by making a conscious effort, you can in fact keep your mood uppity and bouyant. Better than go sink your own mood ala titanic style right? Yes. Gee..I shall stop launching into some semblance of a rhetoric. So I'm better off shooting my mouth off. Just to take life sort of in a tongue-in-cheek manner. As in my tongue in my own cheek. duh~! Exams are a God-send to those with crazy intellect or those with superb mugging skills. I feel that they probably wait with eager expectancy when results are out, by the mere fact that they do know that there are good stuff awaiting them. Re-sult..simply makes me re-sulk..all over and over again. Anyways, I find exam venues extremely stifling and it gives me a claustrophobic feeling. It's very warped. How a few hundred people are in a room, physically together, but every individual is mentally away and lost in their own world. Of which, come to think of it, is just like a snapshot of the stark reality of relationships. Physical presence, mental absence. Anyways, I've got this very peculiar friendship with a friend, whom I mentioned a few days ago. I wouldn't say its damn fantastic, nor would I say its trashed. Its weird because I don't see where she's coming from, cant put a finger down as to what kind of person she is, her intentions for that matter. I do have my misgivings about certain things, and really, past experiences seem to tell me the same thing, not to jump to the far end of the pool before you know how deep it is. But ya, do agree that it is always unfair to assume. Oh well, shall try to place some of those misguided thoughts somewhere. So i cant emphasize any more how much I treasure friendships without the facades. Full (mental) monty. Nice..**evil smirk** Now what were you thinking huh? tell me...~! On second thoughts, keep it to yourself. =)

Its really kind of weird but I'm actually feeling happy, and very bimbotic this week, and it sure feels good! Away with all those melancholic thoughts! Shoo~! Anyways, I just got a new tuition job and up goes my salary =). The ability of earning your own keep really does feel good, simply because stretching our your hand and receiving money from parents does not. I'm actually aiming towards that. Anyways, recently I have so many bitchy rants in my head, I'm feeling really bitched-up..hahaz, but somehow it doesn't bother me, cause as far as I'm concerned feeling that way is better than feeling all pooped up. Sigh. Frankly at times, people in general delve too much into thinking about what others may think of them. Its tiring to construe some form of mental assumptions of the various possibilities of their thoughts, since the human brain is often ever-so-random. Anyways, I was lounging around and thinking of all the random thoughts that happen to float past my feather-brain. Too random to actually translate them into words, but something along the line that I find a person's actions very very puzzling, and it made me very bewildered as to why the person behaves in that particular manner. This is because I simply cant understand why, and frankly I don't understand why I even bother to try to understand. Maybe is all those ka-pohness that is lurking beneath. Hell yes..It must be! Hmm..just put it this way..everyone likes to point fingers, and attribute someone else as the reason why they made a mistake. Cause not only is this super convenient, it lifts the ego into that ah-told-ya-its-bloody-not-my-fault kind of mental mode. Oh well, point all you want then, if it makes you happy. But didnt your mama tell ya that its rude to point at others? Evil aside (But i say God gave me fingers to point!) **says indignantly in a shrill and whiny voice** Ho Ho, my block is having some re-painting. It really shocked the hell out of me when I saw anah neh outside my window. Scary. Okays, I digressed. Yep, exams are sure ending soon and that is really one thing to look forward to, if I don't bomb any of the mods, but I guess that is a forseeable possibility. Anyways, was talking to ah dot and Sabai yesterday, and really thank God for best buds! It sure feels damn shiok being able to just trash everything out, air all the dirty thoughts, condescending ones, cynical ones, hopelessly bitchy ones, and don't get shot down. I really really love them. Oh and I realised that I really dig guys who resemble bears. As in guys with the Huh? look on their face, so huh? and cute that you can imagine them walking around with their whole arm inside a pot of honey. Super duper yummy you know. But too bad for me..we don't have many human-bears walking around. Maybe I should just check myself into the zoo and get some zoo citizenship. By the way, since I'm on the topic of feather-brain talk, I gotta set the record straight on something. Vanilla coke is ridiculously horrible, and the tagline on the can is horribly ridiculous. So it says seductively smooth, but hell no! I wasn't a tad seduced for that matter. Okay, this entry is going nowhere and making no point..but never mind since this is indeed a random fugging post! Oh no..i just saw pooh bear signed in msn..heeee

Today accounting exam's over, and strange enough I do have a feeling like I'm super damn free, though not totally cause exams are actually not over yet. But anyways, I'm feeling a little bored, so I guess I better be here blogging rather than...I dunno? Pluck all my toe-nails out. Okie, that's nasty..maybe I shall pluck all ur eyelashes out if I'm feeling bored enough and evil enough. Hahaz.. Okay, the exam venue today was at the SRC, Sports and Recreational Centre. Methinks you cant find anywhere more ironic to hold ane xam. Recreational..okay..my (smelly) foot. Since when exams were something you could take it easy peasily..anyways, the entire place was really very packed and I thought cynically to myself that this scene could actually resemble that of a Great Singapore Sale. People where just pushing their way through, for what I really don't understand. I gather they must be really so psyched up for exams that they were going to pee in their pants, either that or ants in their underpants. But anyways, I was wearing a skirt..so I'm safe. **rolls eyes** Exams give me a very queasy feeling. As what Peiyu says, it is a 2 hr worth of academic showdown, where the sole agenda is to be as pompous as possible, or rather a flashy show of intellect, and at the end of the day, he who impresses, gets the A. Hmm..and I'm depressed. Gee..anyways, there's this side to me that wanna cheong to get the A's (and I'm actually going to do that next sem). I guess you who is reading this may be falling or have fallen off your chair, but no worries, if you don't believe there's such a side to me, just take what I said as my a moment of spasm on my grey matter and my flopping mouth. Gee..I shouldn't use that word, flopping..its inauspicious! After the exam results come out, it wont be my mouth only that flops. Eeks. Terrible... I just spoke to Sabai a few hours ago, and the first thing she asked me was where did i disappear to. Hahaz..thats the thing with best buds! You can engage in some disappearance, and they wouldn't actually leave you if you do so, nor will they keep bugging you. Fuss free friendship, free from all those ridiculous pom cha cha where people fuss over each other, everybody seems so concerned..hmm..I shouldn;t start on all the cynical remarks here, but my underlying point is that sincerity is often expressed subtley, not fussed all over, till you feel mildly invaded and very molested. Thanks Sabai, though I know you wanna get your paws on me..Hahaz! And better save up enough cash, we shall go on our shopping spree! whee~!

humour-ise me or i shall terror-ise you

Had a realisation to things. Friendship takes two hands to clap, simple as that. For that to happen, I always thought there has to be some form of chemisty between two people. The spark, the crazy over the top laughter. It is only through that, that I actually feel closer to the person. Its like a shared laughter over a mutual joke can really do wonders to tie two people together, especially so if only the two of you in the world understand the ridiculous joke, even better. Ah, I cannot go on more about how I find some friendships draining. There is not only no connection, but it seems so dreary, I wonder at the back of my head why are we even bothering to converse, when everything is going to skirt round the same damned point. Where you see absolutely no room for further improvement to the friendship simply because there is no chemistry. Quite frankly, that friendship becomes an obligation. Recently, a friend tried to pry me open. I doubt she will ever read my blog so its good, I can blast. Muahhaa..Doesnt feel good at all. The more she tried, the more I gave cliched answers. Personally, I cant stand cliched answers that are said merely for the sake of some semblance of a cordial reply. And again, cliched answers are usually given without much thought, cause they are really convenient. And so, I was giving her truckloads of cliched answers, those that i could answer even in a comatose state. Man...I'm really sorry that the friendship is always around skirting those few same subjects, and there's no laughter at all. The whole net experience was like sitting in the dentist chair, without the dentist. Its boring you wait wait and wait till you fall asleep, only to be awaken by a nurse to tell you..oops, sorry the dentist is away. And the more constipating fact is that you smile and smile...sometimes for no particular reason, till you start to think of your own smiling behaviour as being really stupid. But anyways, thank God for friends with a good sense of humour. Come to think of it, all my closest buds all have a wicked sense of humour, as well as a devilish side. It makes them so interesting, I cant get enough of them!

Woo..exam week, and I'm thinking of giving it the standing ovation it so deserves, in the form of 2 middle fingers. Sigh, anyways, after my caffeine boost, I became happy. That superficial happiness parrallels the artificial sweetener of coke light..fake! But never mind, at least I'm not bedeviled by the prissy pms monster at least for now. Well, was playing with my neighbour's dog just now. Apparantly the pooch stepped on mud, I didn't know, wolfed-whistled it to come, and so it came. Pounced on me, left me with pooch prints on my thigh. Fantastic! Anyways, that pooch is getting too fat for its own good, like boing-boing doggie-cellulite legs, but it did looked really yummy, and squeezy. It was only today I knew the dog was called Kelly, ermm..no offence to anyone with that name..**tee hee**. The bitch! called kelly..**snigger**..and I thot her name was Lucky. So that means for a good six months I was calling the wrong name, and in retrospect that was why I din get lucky with her, and I was often puzzled as to why I failed to charm the socks of this bitch though I kept calling her name. So really, dogs do know their own name, you cant cheat them. I really like the pooch from 8 floor (kelly), rather then that noisy one on 16th floor which apparently, must engage in sporadic barking periods across the night. I was just surfing the net, and decided that one day I shall have my own dog, a mini schnauzer in fact. Sigh, so since my mum is still dead against it, I've got no choice but to rely on play with kelly for now. Gee..' I'm bored. Accounting is puke inducing and nerve burstingly fun! gag. I shall go get a grip, or go get a life.

A PUN-ning Pan! =)

This is a rare time when its 230am in the morning, on a Monday, and I'm feeling happy. Which is weird, totally unfamiliar. But..I'm not complaining! =) Most of the time, the monday blues are so potent, they remind me of a bout of pms. Now, I can think of 4 reasons why i'm feeling pretty good! First, I talked to a jc friend over msn about some pretty personal stuff, and it was really nice. As in, there was no pretense. genuine. =) It was indeed great to know her better, though she is now so far in Aust. Funny how in jc we never did talk very serious stuff, as far as i can recall, but somehow we actually did talk about some personal stuff over msn. I guess the fickle little finger of Fate does chance upon at different times. Nevertheless, it makes me really happy to be closer to her emotionally despite the physical distance. Second, yesterday at church, I was making an announcement to the sunset congregation about the youth camp. So despite many chances to speak to larger groups of people, especially during project presentations in school...boy..I was this stuttering idiot. In my nervousness, I made a not very sensitive remark. Hahaz..the target age group for the youth camp is 13 to 25..and so I said, "although I can see most of you seated are really out of the age group"..and that "this camp is guarrenteed to be fun because it is not organised by adults". The second comment drew a few constipated looks on the largely middle-aged to menopausal aged adults...I could see it so clearly. And later I thought that was really quite rude but again the looks on their faces..Priceless! Oh no..but again I was thinking..SHIT! Thats the problem with words coming out of the mouth..you cant retract them! Ahh..so much for my fat flopping mouth, which moved faster than my turtle brain. hey..i regretted saying that okay! Hee..but a little gleeful at the thought of those looks! Third, I have my werther's Original sitting beside me now. Did I say leave the saccharine sweetness to the ants?? Hmm..ah..let me be a hypocrite this time. I love werther's Original. Its the best, so seductively sweet..brings so much new perspective to the big "O". Oh no..its in my melting in my mouth now..the sweetness of it all swirling and frolicking in it..but evil me dictates that all good things must come (no pun!!), and must really end. And so I decide to crunch and pulverise the remainder with my teeth! whee~Hell knows no fury like a woman's wrath..muaahhhaa.. hahahzz..okie change topic..thats so anti-climatic (in all sense of the word) lest all you horny unicornies are going to accuse me for being horny. Which I daresay 99% of the time, it is like the case of the pot calling the kettle black-er. For which I am so not, and the other 1% is because we are on the same level, so you cant judge me! So you, go face the wall and self-reflect. And if the need arises( i say no pun! no pun!!), you may wanna try repentence. =) Fourth, a very very weird dream. Weird as in happy weird, not freaked out weird. You know the guy fron eye-for-a-guy, Wai? As in the Rachel Lee's episode? Yep, I dreamt of WAI. And don't ask me WAI not Sivert or the other guy..Michael? I like Wai that kind, and since I dun harp much about guys, okay..at least on my blog, please give the AIR-headed some AIR-time. He's really extremely sexy, those eyes, the way they look. Madness. He's so poised, manly, secure, confident. Reaally, he seems super intriguing to me. Totally dig that kinda feel. And yes, I think he does seem intellectual, which adds truckloads to his attractiveness. If your eyeballs are like stuck to the ceiling, or rolled to the back of your head, I suggest you bring them down. Now. Okay..shall continue my delirious dream..I dreamt that we were running across Chinatown. I dunno why..it was not the running happily in the rain that kind. But running for our lives. Its so ridiculous, I dun even know what sense to make out of it, except non-sense. But funny thing is I was like dam ecstatic, running for my life, which is totally HUH?! Come to think of it, I probably drew inspiration from those bollywoody shows where everyone who has a pair of legs must run and dance all over the place, with a mind boggling silly-surprised look on the face. So basically, we were running, and I had that eyebrows-on-the-hairline look, minus the hundreds of people that run exact harmony as us. But never mind, I recalled being a happy person then. Okay..i digreess..Oh..forgot to mention that in-my-dreams, he was holding my hand. Hahaz..! That explains the happy part ya? And now, I wanna meet Wai!But..ah..what is the chance? I'm postively going nuts. Its good to have ridiculous dreams of this sort, makes life more interesting. This time, definitely not running along Chinatown. Waaaaaiiii?!

This goes to a very dear friend of mine. I never did quite tell you how much I appreciate you..you remember two days ago your msn was getting real wonky and you kept signing in and out?! And i asked you if you got my message..ahh..I was trying to thank you man..typed a long message..wonky msn 7.0 came and kicked you out! You are dam fantastic..what can I say? Tell me who will be alive in the wee hours of the morning to play minesweeper flags, compare something as ridiculous as number of friendster hits, talk till 7am in the morning, or decide not to go for GE almost every other mornings..okie we went only for 2 lessons? So blessed to actually meet you and now you being me really close friend! The last conversation was real good, cant believe we actually were actually talking going plastic, and your fetish for noses. wahah..that coming from a guy..whom I presume is quite straight. or maybe a lil ambiguous..reeedeeculous! Anyways..yes the four of us must head down to chijmes again..tog with longman and hippo-la ..and shall see how many lamboghinis can hippo-la down before going haywire.. And that reminds me..we going to go get our license this hols ya? Although I know you for a short time only, but the depth of a friendship is really quite amazing! This pretty much summarizes what i wanna say to you..thanks to wonky msn 7.0..=)

I am angry. Perturbed. Confused. Disturbed. It throws me to utter bewilderment at how frivolous some may view emotional connections. When a friend comes across as one with genuine feelings, but turns to be quite contrary. Why a friend blatantly tries to hurt. Why a friend becomes someone you don't recognize. You stretch ur hand to feel. To hold the friend close again, but what you grasp is thin air. Why is that so? I simply cant comprehend. Tell me are you just a another mirage in a desert. Beckoning me to come quench my thirst, then you simply just evaporate? Just when I have a vibe of deep friendship blossoming, you leave. How can you bear to? So you say that I look very distant cold. Can you get over the appearance? I'm sorry if I give you the impression that I don't treasure you as a friend. Fact is I really do, i really do. I'm sorry if I cant open my heart fast enough to you. Its really hard, hope you know. But don't you know..easy come easy go? Whatever. Don't expect you to feel what I'm feeling. Emotions are locked inside every individual. Perhaps sentenced to an imprisonment deep within the dungeons. Therein lives a lonely cell mate that is perhaps resisting the virtual imprisonment, yet wary of the unfamiliarity of life outside the dungeon. Now, the cell mate is pounding fiercely against the metal gates, in futile attempts to try to break the very shackles that it is shackling itself down. Shaking it ever so violently, it hurts with a potent sting. You were like my fellow cellmate. I heard you through the dreary cell walls. ( I swear I did). You were a friend, a support. It seemed a very good idea to escape and see you face to face without the physical boundaries. Afterall the heart has met, it has opened. The drapes of the dark dungeon are drawn notwithstanding the presence of our individual cell walls. (I see a familiar soul). The cell mate is happy and smiles. But behold. Where is the friend? What a plan of fiendish complexity! To lure the heart out and rob it of its emotions? How could you? Perhaps the cellmate was construing an image all by himself. Because of the cell walls, he is now unsure if the very same laughter conversations that resonated along the lonely cell walls were just his construed-virtual-reality. Perhaps those were that of himself responding to his echo. (Irregardless of how warped it sounds) So now..what is this? The cell mate shuffles his feet back to his cell. This time sticking close to the deepest end of the cell, all this with his hands firmly planted along the cell walls. The cell mate grasps the keys to his cell and tosses it nonchalantly out of the small window to a place called The Outside World. Behold. In this dreary dungeon there are no sight of any prison warrants. In each cell mate's hand is the very set of keys to their own little cell. The virtual cell mate wakes up to reality. He knows the sole imprisonment of his soul is unwarranted. Nevertheless, The Outside World is where he has to live a life, alive. No time for melancholic thoughts, where there is all-smiles. A question..how can you trust the plastered smile, when you cannot even judge if the heart that gives the smile is genuine for that matter...so much for the facades.. please tell me when to trust my gut.

It came upon me, just how underated is the importance of being understanding. So often there's so much talk about putting yourself into someone else's shoes. This phrase very cliched, to the extent that you hardly feel the exact meaning of it. The thing is, it is human nature to be self-centred, maybe add egoistic and narcississtic to the list as well. Thus, to understand someone else really takes a lot of humility to not be self-centred for that moment, think from the perspective of another. This is more than being empathetic. You literally lower yourself, to stand below the person, and to focus your attention from under the view of another. hmm..its not easy. Been reading a book called The Purpose Driven Life. One thing that struck me was that..often people look within themselves to seek the meaning of life. Most of the "meaning" derived is manifested in earthly wants and desires. But this is transcient. How can we ever find meaning within ourselves when we did not create ourselves in the first place. The focus of life is definitely not revolving around your own being, but rather on the Creator of life. This new revelation gives me a new perspective towards life.

heyyyy

woo~! One week hiatus from blogging gee..if you call that a hiatus. Hahaz..so here I am now, all ready to plonk my heavy arse on my new swivel chair to start on my verbal diarrhoea. Okay..I'm getting a lil rusty here..hmm..where should I start. Okay..lets start from the last sunday's service at church. Yes. The Combined Easter Sunday worship..(hey..i got no hidden agenda ya..**winks**). I was really looking forward to the baptism part, cause 2 of my friends were going to be baptised that day. Simple baptism that has so much significance attached to it, fond memories as well. Well, my baptism was 3 yrs ago, and since at that time, the new church buliding was not up yet, so Esther and I were baptised at sea. Really nice experience, and funny moments as well. I remember the sea bed was not really even, so you may start wading in from the shallow end and then suddenly find yourself dipping in to a much deeper end. And so I was wearing thongs. As in slippers..now what were you thinking huh?! okay..i digressed..anyways, you will have to go under the water and come up, after the Pastor has said a prayer. Since the sea bed was pretty uneven, when I stood up, I lost my footing and dipped into the sea again..and i lost grip of one thong..So I was searching for them, and luckily it floated up some distance away..there..my beloved bright orange thong. It is the super cheapskate trail slippers, which used to be in rage amongst the lians and the bengs in the 19 hundreds..yep that kind. And it was really kind of ridiculous, cause I had to swim over in the baptism robe to get the orange thong..fond memories though. Really liked the place, serene..quiet..beside the sea =) There were 7 people baptised into the church that day. Funny how it was only till last sunday did i truly learned how to appreciate the church choir. How they just sang in perfect harmony..listening to them always bring me goosepimples, and a very fuzzy feeling inside. There was the adult choir and the youth choir..it actually gave me this impetus to want to go and join the choir too. But on second thoughts..hmm..the choir can really do without a tone deaf crow. Seriously cant hold a tune. Like mother like daughter..hahaz..this sounds so disrespectful, but my mum cant sing either, but my dad sure can. Like my mum, we sing hymns like theres only one note in the whole song, either that if not we its like a total new song that we are singing, one that only both of us can musically understand. Outrageously off-key. tsk tsk..so its really at times so nice to just sit down, close your eyes, hear the choir sing. Appreciate the beauty, but better to not partake in it, lest shatter the beauty of it. Hmm..so after indulging in my random musings, I haven actually gotten in the real topic. Hahaz..but anyways after the service, I was a happy person. Hmm..the service did me good, and..so did the unexpected ego boost! =) yeeaahh baby.. so it just left me grinning like a complete idiot, and the grin lasted one week? Hahaz..I must trust my gut instincts. The rest of the week was pretty not bad. Surprisingly, I really grew to like my tuition kid a lot. She's really fun and cheeky, not the usually girly kind. Ya..though maybe she is really a bit tneh-ish when it comes to the time to give homework. There was this once she misplaced her house keys (she's very blur) and since her house is along the corridoor, she asked me to climb out of the window to go out. And last lesson I did that cause I was really running late. She's just different from the regular kids, mature for her age as well...she said that Singaporean kids are more naive, but more helpful than China kids..(coz she stayed in china for a few years, before coming to s'pore).I thought that was quite an observation coming from a ten year old. So although the pay isn't fantabulously stunning, I'm gonna hold on this tuition, simply because the she is really very loveable. This week is thus just a sweet one..no pms-y bitching. Hmm..maybe a bit yesterday when my dear friend whom I talked to on msn commented on something that didn't some easy on my ears. And woo..the bitch in me came out, and grumbled a few less-than-kind words. Ya..hmm..apart from that..all's well. I'm looking forward to the next church comm meeting..hmm..hahaz..and phew..luckily the report is done up, now just have some loose ends to tie, and I hope sunday's meeting will be goody! =) Lots to smile about..life is beautiful! (but exams are not)...someone pass me the barf bag...please..haha