Off to Batam in a couple of days for the youth missionary trip, and i have to meet Shenton to change money. All the zeros are making me Dizzy. God works in totally miraculous ways, as in even if you wanna escape from the responsibility, somehow somehow it will return. Anyways, i realised that a prayer of long time ago came about, fulfilled. Funny thing was that i vaguely remember praying about it, and it was only yesterday that i realised.


I am really sorry for being insensitive, it didn't occur to me that you will be affected. Was quite surprised and flattered that we were people whom you feel are important enough to feel bothered. Kind of ironic, at times i think of peopl as being insensitive, but really it is the case of the pot calling the kettle black.


okok. i need to go already, i'll be back on 8th.

I suppose everyone has watched Harry Potter already,but anyways i just watched it today. Rather i watched half, and feel asleep for a a quarter of it, cause the popcorn was out of my reach, the werther's original was lost in the bag, and cause there was no more coke light.


Went for a meeting at church today, which was a brief on the missionary trip. I was made treasurer, just like during the youth camp. Wouldnt deny that Commitment is a word that i am very adversed to. Just imagine, going on a holiday is a commitment to me, cause i would have to be at a certain place at a certain period of time, and my mind has to free up that space mentally in the "to do" section. Its quite hard to comprehend this. It sounds almost ludicrous. But ya, this upcoming trip is surely out of my comfort zone. I pray for commitment to the trip, really that is difficult. Very worried that the i'll drop the money into the sea or something. argh. focus!


Chun-nie is deciding between sji and nanhua, seems that he is oscillating between these two choices. Well, its up to him. I mean sji would be the obvious choice if i were the one making the decision, just because i'm biased towards chinese schools. (it reminds me of rv, and rv was pretty stifling an environment) Anyways, i suspect Chun-nie is just waiting to see which choice his friends and placing. Herd mentality lah. -_-


Oh ya, i forgot to make a mention. Hope your wedding was a blast, Aud! =)

At that very instant, the sheer happiness was so surreal, the goosepimples, the fuzzy mode, the beep-bopping heart.


oh ya. Right.


How could i forget that if seems toooo good to be true, half the time it isnt.


True enough. Like what for pete's sake is this.


it is a figment of The Delirious Dream. thats what it is.


hmm!

http://www.liquidgeneration.com/content/a55hat.aspx?cid=1707


go on! click on the link, make your day! =)


i weirded me out a little, but too bad, i have a soft spot for the ridiculous.

spinning on the ipod

Lovefool by the cardigans

Dear, I fear we're facing a problem
You love me no longer, I know And
maybe there is nothing
That I can do to make you do
Mama tells me I shouldn't bother
That I ought to stick to another man
A man that surely deserves me
But I think you do!


So I cry, I pray and I beg


Love me love me Say that you love me
Fool me fool me Go on and fool me
Love me love me Pretend that you love me
Leave me leave me Just say that you need me
Love me love me Say that you love me
Leave me leave me Just say that you need me
I can't care 'bout anything but you...

Lately I have desperately pondered,
Spent my nights awake and I wonder
What I could have done in another way To make you stay

Reason will not lead to solution
I will end up lost in confusion
I don't care if you really care
As long as you don't go


So I cry, I pray and I beg


Love me love me Say that you love me
Fool me fool me Go on and fool me
Love me...


this song is damn cute. and damn jiggly. GO AND DOWNLOAD pleeease. =)

Chun-nie got 248 for his Psle which is a such a blah mark. So i actually couldnt get to sleep the night before after talking to wx on the phone, was thinking of all the possible grades my little brother could get. Slept at 7am and woke up three hours later to accompany him to school to get his grades together with Joey.


Seriously i think this mark does him SO much injustice. I mean he is the 260+ range, how in the world did that fall by so much i reeally have no idea. The principal was pronouncing each syllable of her speech with maddening largo pace. It drove me completely nuts. As usual top student and all, I was wishing by some freak event that it was my bro, but of course it wasnt.


Anyways, they were starting to announce all those 4A* and 3A* students and guess what. My hallucinating mind heard something chunwai. I was like fuck shit! My brother! Then i clapped and yeah ala sealion style and it was not my brother. Damn embarrassing. But nobody there knows who i am, and so thats okay. Hee..ya so Chun-nie went up and got his grades in class, and i was pacing around the school assembly ground. By then i was really quite spent, not quite from the lack of sleep but the waiting.


He came down and was like "i did very badly". That really stings my heart, to see him so disappointed. But there's totally nothing you can do about this matter. So an auntie came by and asked how did he do. so came the unenthusiastic 248 reply. I feel really lousy not being able to do something, you know, just do something to make him get the mark he deserves. Fly to the moon, change the score, ah whatever nonsense. Major bummer. Cause it crashed his wish to go hwa chong institute and I know for sure that given his usual performance, that shoule be his range. And really now i dunno what to feel. Actually it is an acute sense of this-is-not-really-fair thing.


Wah lau eh. I love my brother alot lor, this is like how painful to me to see his efforts not being translated to good grades. Bummer. Occured to me that i always give unsympathetic replies to others who say they are feeling sad about their grades. Or rather those responses i gave were just a cordial socially accepted reply, cause obviously i don't care and it doesnt affect me. But seriously, its different way different in this case. ahh..


Hmm..ok. Uncle robert just called and ya it feels abit better. Kind of wonder how Chun-nie boy is taking it, cause he was rather quiet, i dun really know. Heard him mentioning catholic high over the phone with his friend.

Times like this you wanna believe that everything lies in the hands of God, so whatever path he chooses for Chun-nie is best for him. But being the myopic person that i am, the sign is not so clear from here.

Fun times awaiting. Cause really i see it darn coming. First all, meeting with the beachiness girls and one boy, potluck or smthg, not too sure. But surely good. Yo's coming back and in fact we were just having a pretty long msn chat a moment ago. Soon, Faye would be back, cause we din manage to catch her in time before she sped to melb. I caught up with sb, py, ah dot and wx, all within 2 days. Damn good. Anyways, i loaned a crappy taiwanese drama for bored's sake. The story line so far is that of polka dotted bliss with happy confetti, i gotta pinch myself to reality. They are manipulating people to sap!! Blah. Reality is the cottencandystick without the cottencandy. So chew upon it. oh joy!

A full 6 hours on the phone with sabai had a major laxative effect on my mind. We yakked from everything under the moon. Sabai told me that being frank with myself both inside and out, will help to smoothen out some frazzled emotions from within me. Actually I suppose i do know what is bothering me, it seems to be always the self-same issues ALL the time. But really there is no way I am able to say it out on my blog, cause I used to view this problem as being abit looney in the past. So with that said, I feel that others will see it that way. I am not assuming that people actually bother to go and read my blog and read the stuff(supposedly if i were to write), but but but I am most afraid of the questions that will come my way. No idea if those questions are coming out of concern or out of the sake of knowing something juicy about others. See, i really don't know what to think about people's intentions. The same action can be guided by totally polar opposites intentions. So again i don't wish to presume the worst of people's personality, yet i secretly believe that the intentions aint that simple. Then, not bothering is the best. Frankly, i wasnt too ecstatic when random people came to know that i ta pao-ed my stats paper. Cause there is nothing to be proud about that, and it just makes me feel useless again and again. Actually i really feel bounded sometimes, like I really cant understand why this particular person has an a gargantuan ego and she cant stop reminding others that she is better in whatever aspects that others may be talking about. Especially with her looks. And trust me the more she does it to put others down, to push herself up, the uglier i think she is. So when sabai was telling me to be say my exact issue here, I cant imagine the thought of letting her know. I have no idea if she reads my blog on a regular basis or what, but the thought of letting her in on something so private to me makes my inards spill. So there. Hmmm..i suppose you can get the sense that i really dislike her a lot, no denying about that. The pompous or shameless self praise is ridiculous. And whats with telling other people how and what to do? I don't get it. Everything different from what she believes in, is not-too-good. Ok. now that was enough bitching.Anyways, i realised that I haven really spoken much about the trip to china. So i will do so in the next entry okie? =) so that all my dear friends here can take a mental tour to beijing, the place of pitch-your-nose, close-your-eyes kind of a water closet. The toilets have a strange scent to them, and strangely missing in any form of a sanitary bin, so strangely girls like to let their sanitary pads take a dump in the toilet bowl ala squat-fart type. Strangely if you really do intend to sit on the toilet seat, you better don't. I suppose having endure them all, i have gained some toilet nirvana. For let me enlighten you that there is no difference in sitting on a soiled diaper and the toilet seat, pray thee imagine the vast array of urine samples you will be sitting upon. Gilded puddles of liquid gold! Strangely, i happened to see that the toilet doors have no locks and you really have to use your foot as a door stopper. I managed to pee and stop the door with my foot in a strange acrobatic ability! All these whilst balancing my jacket with my free arm. Now, you are not to imagine me in that strange state. Although i think you are. But never mind, so long as your intentions are good (hell yeah!) i will not presume the worst of your personality(hee hee). A whiff of the amonia-roma sends a happy sting up my sorry nose. Utter bliss! A sour-eeEeee but sharp scent prikes your senses awake strangely. Two cubicles were coughing badly, ah...i take a curious peek. Ooooh. I see a strange bloodied pad bobbing up and down, down and up the neck of the toilet bowl. Like a drowning victim, sucked into a vortex for which it is desperatly trying to resist. This is as vivid and as sick as it gets. The water closets in china have a looooong way to go.

grouch pouch

Rhetorics give me a false sense of assurance, especially in instances where I am so unsure of the answer. Be it so that I am cheating myself into believing something I have no clue of, the end result is always some sort of a mental ease. Hmmm. Was thinking about what ah dot said some time back, and its true the bitterness is seeping through my bones, i feel resentful very resentful. The more this feeling regurgitates, the more the resentment snowballs. Sounded a taddy bit ridiculous as the events ran through my head in a chronological mess. It troubled me in my dreams with the same situation re-enacting in it in mock parody. You can try maybe, try, to verbalize the inadequacy that it brings. But not without dragging in some personal issues which you feel that it is not necessary to divulge. The ego seals its own mouth. Maybe you think two will turn good, cause two is company. Pretty subjective, nothing objective. The role of the devils advocate allows us to redefine some angles that was a blind spot initially. The purpose is for us to improve upon it, with benefit of the knowledge of the negative what-ifs. Balancing this act is not a walk in the park. Tilt the balance a wee bit, and you find the devils advocate starts to adopt a self-destructive nature. Not pre-empting and deflecting the bads, but in fact denying the whole situation entire, good and bad alike, with no discrimination. This leads to an existence in the most passive state in the little vacuumed world, with the State of Stasis being the only form of citizenship available. The rut is hard to dislodge from. The logding on board the State of Stasis is as boring as it gets. It ties you hand bound feet bound in a mental construct of a strait-jacket. The intensity of the jacket bites into your flesh the harder you try to struggle from its strangle. So you reach a state of violent frustration and decided against the need to struggle at all. Cause the end is clear and the end is clear. Whats the point. Anyways. Period. Periodically a surge of adrendaline manifests itself in a desire to overcome the existing cocooned state. But the mental strait contruct is simply to strong it threatens to disembowel. Others feed you information of their stasis-less life, with happy but puzzling intentions. They want to share the happiness which is good. But inside the cocoon is a funny jamble of feelings, all untagged and un-understood. So this pretty well explains the gap between the reactions and the feelings. Or rather, the lack of. You can never tell it. You will never really see quite through it. The frustration accumulates like the tumbleweed. Gets me so frusty frusty! oh bother this irritanting nuisance. Where's the green grome of christmas?

euphoria. youforeal?

Back! I am actually super tired now, but since the afternoon had been spent dozing off a plenty, i cant get to sleep. hmmm..so the trip. wow i dun even noe where to start. Its really cold at beijing, no snow, but something like -1 to 5 deg. I dun really fancy the weather it made me feel like triple-layered kong bak just wearing everything. Lazy to pee even, so many freaking layers to peel.


I'll upload the pics later. Actually Beijing is rather clean and quite modern, not as modern as Shanghai but ok not bad. Hotel was good, cause it was 5 star lodging. Toilets..ooh..i saw this woman peeing with the door open facing me. That image is utterly gut spilling, and unfortunately hard to forget.


Hahah..ok enough on the negatives. The first day was spent at the Forbidden City after we reached at 6am. 39 people in the tour group. 1 funny old man, Uncle Robert. Even the name is funny enough. He was like my best friend during the first five days of the trip cause he left for Shanghai on the fifth day, and i din go there. Uncle Robert has retired and he used to work in the court, so he is well acquainted with the law-ly terms and his english is fwah! Funny thing about Uncle Robert is that he is like a 20 yr old trapped in a 65 yr old's body. You should hear the way he speaks. He complained to me that his wife has a "one-tracked mind" cause she is a staunch catholic and she didn't wished to step into the chinese temples that we visited there. And the most interesting thing Uncle Robert said was about his wife being jealous if he speaks to the female population. He is damn damn interesting. We actually talked on the phone just a couple of hours ago. Honestly he is my first old friend! Old people are nice to talk to too! Not the grouchy ones though, sad to say, Uncle Robert's wife is a one grouch-ie one.Everything about him, personality, attitude and even the way he speaks totally belies his age, safe except the wrinkles. He said he was pissed off with this wife, for trying to disallow him to enter the temple. He entered in the end, but he told me it was not as though he loved going into so much, but rather he wanted to show his wife that he wasnt about to be pushed about.


Oh ya. Uncle Robert's doesnt understand much chinese, only some random words here and there. So how this friendship started was that we were at the supermart and he was buying Ritz biskuits on the first day. He was asking me to help him ask the salesgirl if the ritz biskuit has cheese in it or was it a plain one. So by the second day, we were complaining about the toilet conditions, not that it was that bad. Honestly i felt that it was okay, maybe not the full moon booty in my face, but as for the other aspects, i can try to appreciate the city's culture. Anyways, complaining, or just plain kao peh can draw people together. His jokes are plain ridiculous. When passing by a lake, he pointed to a funny hump on the water and told me that was the crouching tiger hidden dragon, or wait..or was it the loch ness monster?! Its soooo hard to find someone with this weird sense of humour. Uncle Robert actually believes in horoscope, which i find it amusing to say the least.


Besides him, the was still another family that was pretty chummy with my family. Some people in the tour group really kept to themselves, i dun understand why the need to be so, but well, its their choice.


ok. i am really tired to the point of hallucination.I think i saw a buddha jump over the (great) wall. GREAT.

cloud 9 8 days 7 wonders of the world 6 groups of families 5 star 4 plane flights 3 meals/day 2 nights sleeping on the plane 1 night in Beijing =)

The world of a playground


Up on the mood Swing you go,


the higher you swing, the faster you fall.


adrendaline rushes, sends up spurts of hot flushes


the Slide of perpetual downward mobility


what goes up indeed, must come down


the only solace is the Light at the end of the (slide) tunnel


glorious consolotion


Rocking to who-knows where, horse.


Fumbling about the same damned spot.


movement with no displacement


sad it is so


perhaps monkeying round the bars are best


you hang around till you cant bear to anymore


and so you fall


the Social Disequilibrium of a see-saw


you see, there is no win-win situation to all


better be on the ball


Don't you just love the merry-go-round


merry merrily it goes round


spins your world like a whirling dervish


too much of anything is no good


kaleidoscopic views jumbles the tumbles in my tummy


pass me a barf-bag will ya?


i guess i shall plonk on the bench


where i watch the happy little scene on the playground


or so it seems


merry merry queen of the bush is she.

Exams are straight-forward. The results are fairly far from the outcome. The link is so so direct. But yet this consciousness doesnt transform to enough motivation to change my behaviour.


That aside I have set a goal for myself. Not exams. But a task i have always failed, and stumbled countless times even though i resolute to stick by it. Maybe the want to get it is not strong enough. So that explains the wavering. This is also a goal that is pretty staight-forward.

Since i cant control my emotions, although they are part of me. I shall do smthg to the external events that i have control upon.

Wish me luck.

(ah dot: i dun wanna flop again this time, each time i flop i feel so let down)

let me mark this day on my calender, lest i may forget it.

Come come all the examino stressouls, let the (f)Air-y one sprinkle some GoodLuck Dust on you..

*sprinkle* *sprinkle*


*Cough*


*sprinkle* *cough* *sprinkle*


Exams will be a-walk-in-the-park, a-piece-of-cake, a-tickle-under-your-smelly-pits.


Now if you believe what i say, then i suppose tomorrow all the battery chickens at Sheng Siong chicken farm will lay golden eggs.

*gulp*

ha-ha-ha. Seriously joking you must be.

chicks shall be seen but not heard.

so now shut your beak up and jolly well squat there and lay some random eggs.

I am such a airy fairy fraudster.

did i just let the cat out of the bag?

GEE.

A picture paints a thousand words, says the finger-pointing beaver.

another one bites the (goodluck) dust. DAM.