Assed up..grr..some people just really got the ability to piss you off with every sentence they say, and its so hard to push those negativity when you just wanna scream in their ear," do i look like i care! shut up already!"..grrr..*breathe in breathe out*


And words spewed out faster than i can hold my tongue. Funny thing is i dun feel bad at all. not an ounce.

Dinner at the fourth-floor-jap-restaurant-at-cine-opp-kbox..I freaking couldnt remember the name for peanuts! With great company, nice people! So there were faye, ernest, sheane, sufen, weixiong, kanghong, me! did a small share of photo-whoring..but the pics arent with me also...hahah..


They got me a nice present of Junk Feud, and faye's its ambassador!


Before that was French dialogue speaking cum acting, which really got me to some degree of frazzledness prolly cause je ne comprend pas the grammar and all that. It came across as emotive as a stiff jointed mannequin talk, even the expressions where fake as it is! haha..i was looking at the ceiling for the angel-francophone to descend words to me..haha..


Had a threesome tirade on msn with brendon and yo..which was nice of cause..reminded me of the days where we used to sit at the nj soccer table, where bren would be eating (as usual) and complain of putting on the weight..wooooots..hope he has risen above the hold that the cashew nuts have on him!


traaaa laaa laaaa!

At some point of time, you need to dream, fantasize of this idyllic place of never-never land, see its beauty, no matter how transcient, then come back to the dusty Earth.


I want my head to be in clouds, at least I am living life on a constant adrendaline high.


No more doughy-assed.

Now that the fuzzed up feeling is settled, there is a whole lot of things in my head. Saying that this birthday has let me see new perspectives to things is not a cliche, cause it really did define what really matters is the intangibles. Argh..i kinda dislike myself when the emo-wussy mood starts to take over, but essentially you cant change the intrinsic things. I guessed i've always see things, everything in a superficial light. Not as though I've gained some sort of transcendence over a span of two days, but should i say I have gained awareness at the very least. Awareness is the first step to change. Thanks to friends who thought me this.


Looking someone deep into the eye has this funny way of connecting souls, I really do like to stare hard into someone else's eye just to convey the real emotions I wanna say to the other person, but somehow feel that words do not suffice. So i stared into Py's eyes really hard during that day at coffee bean. I felt this ease inside. The certain ease that I dun get with new acquaintances, friends or whatsoever. I mean its always the clown persona taking over, but hardly any grounds of real emotional connection. And times do I get sick of behaving this way, but I guess thats the default mode..like hahahahahahahha..fill in the blanks. Laughter do bring people closer, but if a relationship forever hovers at the laughter stage then something is very wrong!


I digressed. Py is so down-to-earth, she keeps me grounded. She has given into this friendship more than I have. I like the real talk..sans fluff, just eye contact and sincere words. But its really hard to come by, and you dun get this with everyone so it should be kept at heart's distance. We sat for a really long while, till the coffee bean guy had to shoo us off. But there's always 7-11, and we grabbed coke light and continued. This kind of innocent sec sch-ish stuff where you get. People mostly are into clubbing as bonding sessions. Don't delude yourself come on. Clubbing is mostly a waste of time, and its all that sleaze. It makes me feel very dirty after one time going, i've been there five times and can say for sure that i don't like it. Innocent things are sweet cause it is real, it has no rah-rah thing about it. It is low-key, personal and so warming that you feel like stretching my arm out and give her a big hug. Which of course i din, else she will freak out.


One thing that I take pride in is having solid friendships. Basically if you were to look at life in general, relationships are what makes it special..So i really make it a point to bring at least a soild friendship from each stage of life..say pri, sec,jc,ctb, ntu..Of course, sec sch takes the most of the cake. Primary..hmm. used to have 2 really close friends but now we arent too close anymore. I met xiang two yrs back at the pool, and was really glad to see her that i spent two hours squating by the pool talking to her till my shorts got wet. grr..And ya..oriental travels..thats one. jc..there's the A03 girls, ctb..hmmmm! ntu, but of course..=)


Sihui gave me a card today. Love receiving cards, cause during the point of time when the person was writing the card, he or she was just thinking about you throughout, nothing else. I mean it is just so sweet to know that you occupied the major bulk of a person's thoughts at that particular time. I have to write this line down..


"glad to know that time and distance apart hadn't and wouldn't change stuff between us.."


just reading it makes me tear..this is what makes it all worthwhile. Really. Sihui hand wrote a card together with lingwei. it is...sigh i really dunno what to say. It makes me feel ashamed that i always link birthdays with presents which now seems really stupid to me now. Ah.


And the card begins with..

"remember how birthdays felt when you were a child?"


of course.


hmmm...and i received John's email and an attached card which made me sooo touched, cause it is a very long email, i will most certainly print it out and keep it..these mean a lot to me. haha..funny ah john! we used to sit very near during class but never talked much! four years somemore..tsk tsk..! And let me confessed that i was pissed with you in sec 3 i think, cause you refused to help me change the word for the ting xie and gotta stay back after class..those were the days! oh ya! class dance you remember! hahah..wahhh..sec 2 and 3...you were my partner! my gosh..that was 5! years! oh my..sure does bring back memories..and you know what, the hippo card really does depict the way our friendship worked, 'cept that we seemed to be like strangers for quite long. 2j gathering next time must go ah..!


Next..ntu friends. Whooosh! I think i have expressed my love enough to my friend. I think prolly will be sick of hearing it ten gabizijillion times..but still I dun mind saying it to people I hold dear. so there! i appreciate the effort to meet up REALLY! see you all come thurs!


nEXT, xiu...and yoyo! I got the birthday wishes! =)
see you all in the next potty potluck when we meet up!


Sabai..ah! This girl..oh man..hahaha..don't feel stressed out ah sabai! more than words..you get what i mean ya. see you on fri!


Last but most important..my family. The dinner at vienna restaurant, the durian ice cream cake, the celebratory photos and videos,and the presents, and the card from my little bro. He's taking his psle in 2 weeks. =)!


Gee..this was a long one. but its worth it.

The net experience of a birthday is more than i expected. Simple warm yet fuzzy..some actions some words in the written form, i will always keep these words with me so that they will always remind me whats real and what isn't. This entry just goes out to all you friends. Its enough of about me now, and its about you!

this appreciation is real, cause it comes from the heart.

just be considerate

Frankly i have nothing to talk So in a form of writing i shall blog Today on a bus i sit In this sweltering afternoon heat As the journey starts to go I wanted to sleep, but lo and behold! The bumpy ride was a major frustration But something caught my bloody attention I spy with my little eye And see this suspicious looking guy There he was standing beside a pole His hands were in all the wrong places I know Apparently dicky wicky is getting a little itchy So funny guy is feeling a tad bitchy He decides to scratch the you-know-where Ignoring the people standing over there And then he starts scratching like no tomorrow So everyone's eyes cant help but follow! "Stop scratching your Head!" I say (in my head) Surely that does not make my day Listen up dude! story-telling session for you! Once upon a time...(gee..don't you just Luuurrrvveee this stunted rhyme!) There was a matchstick who couldn't Re-Stand it. So he happily went a-Head and scratched abIT. Scratch Scratch! Scratch!! he went He scratched until there was a dent! "But good golly miss molly!" it cried! For it had gotten a little frightabout the little something in his sight. It saw its fingers starting to burn. And dammit! he knew the tables had been turned!holy moly! Fore-degree burns! Ho say i tell you.. Hope this teaches you much about something ado! So for goodness sake..Don't do public scratching or try to pull a fake! Cause that just really just takes the cake! Lesson learnt is be considerate okay.. I most certainly don't want my eyes to decay.

So if you still don't understand this joke

I suggest you look at the mirror now and give your eyeball one big poke!

Proverbial thots

Different situations warrant different emotions. So you say..damned! and throw in the proverbial towel. And prolly if the not-so-proverbial towel was thrown in after stepping right out of the toilet? aaaaaaahhhhh frustration turns too ooh..a momentous bewilderment, then aahhh a full-flegded uncontrollable excitement. Awwww..methinks i kinda just let the proverbial cat out of the bag! Hey kitty kitty! I hoot. I swear i see not but that's really Puss in boots! hmmmm..?! ( scratches the proverbial head *snigger snigger*) but wait a minute... who cares about the proverbial towel anyway!

An onion is a sad one at that Peels a layer to the next Tears little then it begins Uncontrolled tearing but again! methinks, golly those are fake tears mind you.. but how's it flowing and there's nothing i can do? The same act.. different reasons is a fact. What do crocodiles and onions have in common, you ask. Thats nothing too gargartuan a task! Both are plastic elastic nothing fantastic. Whoring your emotions like a tart. I just wanna go take a fart. Puh-lease... More than what meets the eye so do the heart and actions really tie? I swear it must cause its the case of yet another one, bites the dust.

happy happy happy day

bottomline: to my dear friend! I love you! you spiced my life up so soo much. lets keep this friendship for life.


I got nothing to say. Except that the-cat-at-the-void-deck is slow at learning. It saw me chomping on peanut waffle and it followed me like a leech. I'm like shoo you pussy..dont cum at meee! I am that evil whore-rible person that chased you around just two days ago! Apparently, a cat's memory is limited to 2 days, and it is impaired when it sees food.


Ahh..and and..i AM happy. Traa laa laaa..


Some anal thoughts..
whats the point of turning over a new leaf when it is still the exact same leaf you are talking about? Heck..i'll cut off that tree.. but why give up an entire forest for a tree?
so so so...the thing is staying the same is the best..no need to turn leaf turn tables, or what..


Anyways, next week is birthday week. I am really really touched by the arrangements made..you guys i am so touched..you all molested my heart..so many of you somemore..boohoo..
I'm talking apeshit already..cause its 330am in the morning!!


geee..

IRRITATING RHYMING COUPLETS

Ever since I knew what THE OTHER meaning of "Bits" were, It made the shop "BITS and pieces" seem quite blur. They sound so painfully mangled and pulverised to me I cringe in absolute empathy Ouch So can you tell the dimwit What is the meaning of a BIT?

Today is a whiny day, I was pissed off my rockets it made me so tempted to kick the green dustbin that was in my way. Kicked a few random objects though. I was bad, cause i passed my irritation to a stray cat, and chased it around the void deck. The fat cat needs some exercise. The things people do when they are bored. It started off bad as I woke up late, and great forgot to bring my assignment. But thats not the main point. Point is my project mate screwed our project by not even going his part properly. Then, I had to go home to pick up my assignment and endure a bus journey with a bunch of stinky secondary school boys and stinky kids back home. The bus was a stench of sour stale sweat and it is gross. I gave the boy a dirty look when he sat next to me. Smelly like socks.



Some people need to bathe more. And i think I need to wash my filthy mouth more..bleargh..

I Saw It.


Its amazing how blogs can be hunted down real fast.


Like real fast without any thread.


I am how amazed I tell you


snoop snoop and spy.


good goshie!

Little mo' needs to be kept in check


It is getting a wee bit out of hand


Throw in some expressioned expressions


All into the washing machine


Wipe off all those scrunches on your face


I say, spin dry, thank you


oh! tumble as well


What a perfect mass of a mess


Now where's it? I ask


I can't find you!


There you are baby, The Happy One.


Hmm..let me smoothen you out a little


Its ill-fitting today, but really, its okay


I can make do, can't I?


Bad dress sense you say?


Do i look like I care, I say.


I wear my expressions damn fine


As fine as the heart worn on your sleeve


Well, as for you, all the rest.


Stay put, I'll fetch you when I'm back


Now, don't you wander off


Really, you are such a horrible sight


Kind of a sad plight


But there's always the light


The light at the end of the (stupid) blight


Thus, In Your name I trust


To tide beyond this little rut


Many issues with so few tissues



Ties you with Liliputian ropes


You think it cutesy and kinda small


Think twice


They have gotten you before,


Pin you straight down on the floor


Struggle in the quiksand tussle?


Congrats, you'll fall faster.


So I wear The Happy One


And methinks I kinda fit the role


But thats just the way it goes


So, SulkPot, into the closet you must go.

sick again.


damn.


my throat is swollen and red and its that time of the month.


Talk about a shower of blessings.


I am such a wet duck now.


A pissed one at that.


Not too stable.

glorious rant

Emotions I need to dispel


Lodges itself stubbornly within


Leeches on and on and on


To kill or to heal


Out of my element, I feel


Prolly so or what is this?


Easing the unease


Smoothening the creases


Rumpled and scrunched up


Frustrated little being it is


Tears a falling


Soon gains some insane rhythm and speed


Just that little hut


The seat of the heart


The real deal, sans fluff, thank you


I have no random clue


Glorious rant..


Wow, and you really got me there.

I had a text message tiff with my cousin, total of 6 text messages long, ending with a "this" and a "thank you, ok will do". So painfully polite. The exchanges were smthg along the lines of subdued anger, controlled hysteria, melo-sarcasm. Of the sorts. And I'm actually typing on a mental frame of a Piss-fully calm. Cross my fingers and hope to eat curry puff.. No pun intended. (Wah lau eh..accuse me without even checking the facts. get it, get it!)


Oh ya...and where was I? Shan't let the peace-loving nature get frazzled by small little things right?..(grrrr)


Oh ya..i was with Py at marina square, and it isnt as squarish as before. The place is like a shopping haven. They have this red-indian tribal looking shop at 3rd floor which sells all those boho looking beads and its really nice. I was thinking like wow, this shop really has gotten it altogether. Something like marketing the shop to appeal to a certain segment of consumers, both the shop layout, the music, the total shopping experience. Price positioning, from young adults to tweens with little cash to burn. Orange dimmed lighting to create a cosy and warm environment. i thought it was nice.

Okay im tired. Peace out, piss on.

My bro's birthday today, we got him an ice-cream cake. I gave him money, the most blatant-in-ur-face present, as well as the most practical. He wanted THAT tortoise from this pet shop, but hell who gives tortoises on birthdays. My bro agreed cause tortoises do indeed live for a hundred and fifty, and who is gonna feed it when we all die. *stunned* Huh?


Okay, so i was looking for a red packet to put the money in, with the dollar bill in my palm, closed. No wonder my bro was smiling, he gave a mock-surprised face when he saw a relatively unfamiliar colour on a bill when he opened the red packet. It wasnt orange, nor was it red, nor blue. I asked him to quit that mock shocked look, he already saw the note peeking out of my palm when i went red-packet a-hunting. Come to think of it, shouldnt give young kids so much money. But ok lah, i feel guilty for not spending time with my bro, so hopefully this money given to him can make him happy and he can use it to buy something he likes. Even if this transforms to the rare spotted shelled tortoise.


Under Wx's informative information, I learned that ntu has this competition by business times, to write in an essay, 2000 words, prize $1000, recognition, priceless. I am going for it. And another, a story writing competition for budding writers, it is 10k, and the money goes to sponsoring your own published book. That is DAMN fucking good. I so so want it! Its on children literature, and i have no idea how to do it. But still have time, closing's end of the yr. But the business essay on the 21st oct if i remembered correctly, that is. Wahh..are we supposed to write little red riding hood that kind of stuff? or for slightly older kids? Ok..i am gonna start amassing some essays to send. The other time reader's digest took so damn long to respond to me. They must have chucked my entry somewhere in the hongkong toilet bowl. Not only have i gone through the trouble to vet my work, sent two entries to hongkong. But no response. Prolly thats how it goes, rejection makes you stronger. And now i am thinking of submitting some of my poems too! ExxxxciitttINGGGGG!


Yes! I am so psyched up now! Like so so damn psyched up now!

bikini wax

Finding yourself must be the hardest thing to find.For everything else its outside, for anything besides that everything is inside. Just a random thought in my head. I got a sms today, made my hair stand, and I poked the delete msg button without replying. I don't even know what to reply anyways. All those..wah.."you may not know it but im thinking about it more than you ever know." Eeeeh?? Then I don't need to know, and like why you wanna let me know. Okay. How i wish it was from someone else! Like that I think my intestines will get knotted and jumbled with sheer bliss. Haha..yay..mooncake festival with lotsa mooncake IN DA HOUSE. And as the days go by, I am beginning to resemble one of those round things you see. But whats so bad about having a face like a mooncake.? You have Snowskin and you are Sweet..seeeeee even the ants cant get enough of you. Tsk tsk.. today is Mr Lee kuan yew's bday, Sihui's bday and my Little Bro's bday. Lotsa candles to burn tonight. Oh ya..my mum says it is my chinese bday..ooookkkk..time to (candle) wax some lyrical... ear wax, candle wax, armpit wax, brazilliiiiaaaaan wax....hoots! OoOoOoOuuUuUCcCCcChHhHhHhH!

I do have loads to say today. It was quite an interesting day, with many many random thoughts, but i bet some evaporated well before they found their way here. So i was swimming through the earlier part of my day, as in literally at the swimming complex. It was rather empty, no pyjama-ed little kiddos jumping into my path as i swim. Couldn't find my swimsuit, much to my dismay, and i had to wear my white bikini. Felt like a fat brinjal in it, my fitness slipped and so there was more jiggle compared to last year where i was basically swimming 3 times a week.


So I sped out of the toilet wrapped like a stuffed burito in towel form, and quickly run to the pool, fastly took off the towel and immediately jumped into the pool. Haven worn the bikini in ages, it felt like a full monty to me. Being in the water in my bikini felt safe, and un-naked, stupid logic since the water is clear. I closed my eyes, with my head tilted towards the sunny sunside up, you know, pseudo-tanning cum psycho-ing myself that i was in full relaxation...like along the beach of ipanema. Imagination does wonders, trust me, thats before you open your eyes. Opened my eyes, I was at the bukit batok swimming complex, damn it.


And so, there was an indian lifeguard whose chair was suspiciously parked next to where i was at. He asked me the dumbest of all questions.."hi. swimming ah?" methinks..ermm..ok..are you blind, what you supposed to do in the pool besides to swim, and replied "oh ya. sun very hot" which sounded equally stupid to me as well. If the sun is not hot, then what is it? Oh ya, he was talking to my chest did I mention that? But like what for? Never mind, that was a private joke in all sense of the word. So ok, i swam to the other side, far far away to prevent any lame conversations that I saw no point in engaging.


Then i went to the pool toilet. Disgusting memories swam into my head. One year ago, I met a pervert in that toilet. My fourth encounter with perverts. That pervert was in the female toilet in the buff, talking on the phone, butt-bare. I walked in saw a white butt..and thought.."shit! wrong! fastly go out! check sign" But wait. That IS the female toilet. So i went back in and went into the cubicle. That pervert had the cheek to knock my cubicle and said "miss miss! you go wrong toilet!" wrong simi wrong? i replied "you then wrong. you crazy this is female toilet. you better go out" I figured that you don't have to be grammatically correct to perverts, they are crazed. Then the best part...the pervert apparently went out to check the toilet sign, came back knocking on my door, said"sorry miss!". i am like.."dude! you still have the (butt) cheek to come back?"


See. I am not going back to bukit batok swimming complex anymore, it brings weird memories that i rather not remember.


Anyways, on a happier note, i was back at pacific coffee doing project. The happier note was the "one tall frappucino expresso mocha, no whip, thank you", and the plushy lush red couch, and the bossa nova tunes at the back. I wanted to sleep on the couch. When it was over Jielin and I went shopping, window shopping. The shoes! Oh my..lets not even go there. Love the power heels, four inches no less, that is 9cm? Wow. Then we went Sakae. This girl must be my long lost twin, I told her so. She likes Sakae, eats the same thing as me, likes pepsi light, likes the EXACT chunky accessories, loves ballet pumps. We can be good kakis. I want more real friends, but then again it takes time to develop a friendship. See how it goes!


Oh yes! Wx has a new blog. So if you are free maybe you wanna take a look see? Its under my links, under Xiong. Bday is coming, but not psyched up or whatsoever.


Bdays are not particularly important, it just shows you who cares enough about you to bother themselves to do something on this day. Other than that, its another number. I don't recall enjoying bdays, though the wide wide smiles that reflects to me each time I look back at the photoalbums seem to suggest otherwise. Last year, I had a bad day and was feeling really crapped inside, but my family cheered me up with a cake. I suppose i was most happy on my 1st birthday, happy tot with a pink frock, a pink hairband with two hands on the cake knife waiting to stab the mickeymouse in the eye. The cake was bigger than me. At 2, I was pissed cause my cousins blew off the candles of my cake and so many mouths were spluttering onto MY cake, and they placed their hands over my tiny hands, that were holding to the cake knife. I think i complained to all their parents, or smthg of the sorts, and sulked awful lot. So the photos reflected a brat with the vilest frown. I remembered that it always pissed me when people try to blow my candles. Hope this bday would be more meaningful, presents aside. Don't ask me what i want, cause i dun know. Probably it would be good to learn and acquire a perspective never seen before. That would be interesting. And no photoframes..please! wahah


Tuition is tommorow. I am so so so dreading it. I feel the dread steeping into me. Especially tommorow's tuition.


Life seems reallly mundane, is it just me or what?

Today's resume writing wasnt exactly a walk in the park. It was ok, cause i took my own sweet time to do and when completed, I had no fuck of a clue where to put the thumb drive in. And the person sitting beside me had little clue too! So thats two computer idiots you have, with head almost kissing the ground, looking for a plug in. *snigger snigger* He don't know how to insert bullet for microsoft word...heee heee heee..its amusing finding someone of your league you know. So oh wells, in the end he figured how to plug in the thumb drive, which I didn't...so ok lor, we are equal. And the guy who is behind me waiting to submit his work gave me that..are-you-kidding-me look when i asked him.."erm excuse me but where is the thumb drive thing?" Hahaha..oh ya the guy that was sitting beside me is Daniel, I think its faye's/jack's/weixiong's friend..heard them mentioned his name before. And what? That makes him the fifth Daniel I know. Oh wow..singapore has a brain drain, and a name drain as well. Hoots! Case of the pot calling the kettle black. Anyways, i am not going for the last mambo, ya actually it doesnt really bother me about it being the last second last or the first..the feeling of clubbing and feeling so happy at one point is no point cause i feel even more empty and whats-the-point later. Maybe some other day, but not today. haizz...but never mind im going to visit my friend's hall!! Now you better pick me up earrrrlllyyyy...

My list of alliterations: here goes... Absolute Anality Barmy Beverly Catty Calls Dogged Determination Euphoric Eagerness Frivilous Fun Giggly Grins Happy Hickies Icy Icicles Klutzy Kisses Limbo Lethargo Muddy Moods Naughty Nice Open Obscurities Portentious Phenomenon Quirky Queer Raving Respondence Schweet Schmooze Tandoori Twang Universally Ugly Vexed Vivaciousness Worry Wart Xero-Xed Yo-Yo-ed Zippity Zouk-ed Just a list of my thoughts..heeeee

Today, i was at sch with sihui and lingwei for the career cum resume talk. It was overwhelming, the sheer reality of stepping into the workforce is not something I wish to acknowledge at this point of time. Cause really it just means..hey hey, time to grow up girl. Argh..can i not? And so today we spent a great deal of time at the biological sciences side, cause they have a pretty futuristic looking cafe. Futuristic is really subjective actually, since the rest of nbs looks a tad like an abandoned school hall all on its own. I'm glad sihui is doing well, though it is quite plausible that she may not be fully showing us what is her true emotions, so as not to worry us. But i'll always remember her hug in the nj big toilet when i was crying buckets, and at the sanctury too. These are the times where it would be just the two of us alone, and we are just talking, and im not hiding anything with her. Sihui mentioned about having an innate feeling of ease and trust with a person before feeling like you wanna pursue a deeper friendship with him or her. I would say, she does give me that feeling, when i look into her eyes, i see someone with a lot of love to give. But then again, the nj girls are all warm. Like xiu, who always keeps a lookout for us, bin, who is quietly giving her listening ear, dailin who listens and smiles her innocent smile, laishan who bakes mean brownies and mash pototoes, yo with her toothy grin and her shrill laughter, taryn who always gives us hugs, and russell who is always deciding on eating roti prata or that fried dried noodles which only sells on tuesdays...i think. They, of whom brings back a flood of warm memories. Sihui's friendship is always one that of very low maintenance, we seldom talk on the phone, nor do we go out tog, the friendship was fostered thru little pocket of moments where we steal aside to talk to each other like getting food during recess, after assembly, during civics, and during 2.4 km runs. Besides that, there was minimal real contact..so the dynamics of the friendship is really different. So it is what makes it amazing, cause really i can sense the love coming from sihui. It is safe being with her, cause i know she is genuine. The feeling is good, no need for pretense. The three of us were propped up in high chairs at the cafe, and talking about marriage, on whether we would eventually marry one whom we love indeed. Now what idealised shit is that. I think it is more of the make-do theory, and the whos there at the time test. How random it is, considering that who comes in and comes out of your life is a factor whom you cant control. What you can have some influence on is whether they stay, but still it also depends on if the feeling is mutual too. No point if it isnt. Bien sur. I digressed. After that i headed to pacific coffee with jh,joel,clarence, boon, then to the le restaurant francais. The food was not particularly wow-some, half my brain was on my bed, the other half was in the clouds. I guess prolly when you are too damned tired, hallucination does kick in at some point of time. I must be kicking in then. It din help that the weather was dripping wet. And so i went home with joel on the train. It was kind of constipated talking to him, cause we were not well-acquainted, and i was ticking off topics in my head to talk about, since i really dun want an awkward silence to befall. It is weird. bUT later he stated to open up a little..but not a lot. I'm typing one eye closed one eye open, cause im zombing away, and i must indeed crawl to my bed and dream of my fairy-tale. so its my once upon a time, there was a forever ever more....

Existentialist issues. It feels so powerless really. To that person, please don't read my blog anymore. i feel extremely dissected, and dun wish for you to read it. Cause i dunno what the is your intention in doing so. From what i see, it is anything but good. There you have it, my mood is really low. And you have got to know what you want to know. And really..to another person. you are the best, most sincere and the person im most honest with. im really sorry i gave you crap, i trampled on ur feelings, but still when i asked you if you detested me, you said no. The days spent at the little hut will be something i'll remember, but i doubt the little hut is there anymore. So along with it they have removed part of what represents innocent adoration. What is this. When it feels like a vacuous void from within now, i dun ever remember having that kind of emotions years back. Now tell me since when was having a more acute self-awareness good? I was happiest when i was least aware of my existence it seems. So what ever leaves of the memories are prolly the days of starbucks rhumba, the lido cineplex, the lido1, the park, the coffee bean, the staircase that almost does seem like it leads to heaven cause it is so high up, the rose outside the schoolgate, fuck. Where are those picturesque feelings. i feel so bad for taking them for granted. The good fun at the reservoir, ncc, camp, grouses, where the hell is it.The 02A03, my little paradisical heaven on earth who thot me how to be nice to people instead of mental assasinating every possible mistake. Please would you just go away, dun come near me anymore. Dun intrude in my emotions. Cause you are just using me for some stupid reason and then when i gave you my sincere emotions. Damn you. What you cant see sure dun kill you, what doesnt kill you makes you stronger. in that case, i pray thee let me be a wussy of a weakling for the intangibles are really tearing me from the little corners. and it hurts.

You're just too good to be true Can't take my eyes off of you You'd be like heaven to touch I wanna hold you so much At long last love has arrived And I thank God I'm alive You're just too good to be true Can't take my eyes off of you

It just killed my mood to know that next week really isnt any shit of a recess. How nicely does the education sys mask assignments with holidays, holidays with assignments, so much so they bleed into each other. I cant tell which from which. Not that it is of anything new, we must have all gotten so freaking numb, it's just another frustrated "hmmpfh!" from within.

Mood has been on the upswing lately, i pray it does not swing the otherway. Ooh ya! I haven begin on how great the project was, meaning the company. And the name of the girl is Jie Lin..good golly..i sat there and was like hey! can i have all your numbers and msn? Luckily..so the other two project mates..one is Jackson..and..oh no..the other one i cant remember..ahaha..all the "-sons" aplenty..especially at ntu. You have jackson, benson, wilson, ronson, johnson..enough "-sons"..to last a life time man! Jie lin and I actually when scouring for a clean toilet, that girl sure can crap. I like her and jackson.

This has been one of the more busier times in school..its really tiring going to sch, shuffling between tuitions, and going out. I went to this shop that sells vinyl disks today with my friend..wow...retro feel it is. But its really no point buying it since i dun have that deck where dj's scratch the disks..no idea what they call it, but really the sound quality was more rich. Then..i was at coffee bean the other day too..damien apparently was there but we never met. Oh wells, no feelings though. They came just as fast as they left. I prolly give it a duration span of one week the most. Ah..it is always as such, either my feelings are really intense for this guy and he basically my presence to him is as felt as a walking transparency, or he is kind of interested, but i dont' feel the vibes. Not even talking relationship vibes, but even no friendship vibes. Quite un-nerving at times, but i am learning how not to get affected by these..and the fact that i can actually talk about it here, does feel to me that its a progression to say the least. The one way street is not a really nice path to travel, but things happen for a reason laaa. I'm done with the self-thrashing and mutilating my ego, thinking why does he not like me. Is it because im too boring, too unengaging, not appealing, or just not pretty enough. Done with that. It was insane of me to make myself more like the person whom i thought he would like...the dainty sweet and innocent, quiet and demure. Totally lost myself then. It was downright insane to compromise the personality to as such.

Never mind. A chapter closed is a chapter closed, guys in the end also will stray anyways. It is making wonder how come affections can leap jump so fast. Gimme some good-natured crap, and poke jokes any other day..all in the name of innocent good fun, and wicked humour, and occasional philo talk. I like it best like that!

A inexplicable interest in making cute little diabetic-inducing teacakes, has driven me to the extent of sourcing cookbooks to find recipes from the no-bake category. The convention oven at home is spoilt, and I dare not point fingers but i'm really half-sure/halr-uncertain that i was the last one who pressed that pre-heat button. Talk about The Midas Touch. bleargh..


Anyways, a trip down to Liberty Mart made me even more confused with those baking terms, jargon..ermm..whatever. From the ounces to the gelatin to the caster sugar to granulated sugar..utterly confused. I din know there was apparently a family clan of sugar to talk about. So in the end I just settled for the Philadehpia cream cheese. Cause according to my friend, that one is a bomb. Who knows..but no harm. Oh this is my virgin attempt at cheesecake making. Cross my toes and hope it'll be fine.


It was really great at french class today, the company, the teacher who makes tongue-in-cheek jibes. The BM 212 class is boring, and its so much a chore having to break up into small groups and discuss. I Dread It. Nothing beats it. gee and nothing even comes close to it. Holey shyte i dun even know the name of the girl in my project group. After 6 weeks..I've been waving to her and smile. If all fails smile and wave, just smile and wave..So it was really constipating when one day she asked me, while i was keying in her number in my handphone. "Beverly..you know my name right? (cause i hesitated a while when pressing the buttons).." Me says," Yep.." And was thinking..."oh.shit.name?who." But that was the fifth week, I couldnt bring myself to say no, so sorry, i dun mean too, but i cant really catch names very fast.


Best thing..theres project tomorrow. Someway somehow, I have to steal that glance at her book, or just anything that will prolly bear some indication to her name. So that be around 12-ish to lesson end, and some 4-ish when project starts..and urgh..listing it out makes it the more mundane.


Anyways, better things to look forward next week. First one up..that snug looking bar at Chijmes that plays de la musique bossa nova, and next up, dinner a le restaurant francais. J'dore mange mais je n'aime etudie pas. Un beau garcon dans classe francais, ll est etudiant a Ntu aussi. J'aime le garcon beaucoup..ll est adore manger le gateaux mais je ne (bake) pas gateaux. hahah..self-amusement with total grammatical inaccuracy...nvm


anyways..A bientot! (burp)

where phat meets brawn

( where Phat meets Brawn. A blatant contradiction)


Its just the process of riding the tides that makes one more resilient to any bumpy roads ahead. But really, excercising the right to grouse is everyone's prerogative, (i mean the mouth is the ONLY outlet out of the five senses, besides That other one) but then again..shutting the mouth and just internalising it all may just very well built character. In the process of learning, but during the process i made a pitstop and whined bullocks to Ah dot, before continuing on my quest to stocism..and where was i..?

Gee..now I remembered. Ya and all that about internalising it all. Fingers are an outlet too, methinks. Such a hypocritical one was that!

Maybe it is high time not to contradict myself within the same line. Ah dot..sb, i blardy cant help it laarrhh!

(scenic setting at a beach ard vietnam..photo courtesy of my friend, who was over ther during the weekend..thanks for the pic ;)


Really pretty i must say!


---- Just because people sometimes look alike, is no reason to think that they are similar. But it really is hard not to draw the correlation. Ahh..just this certain closeness you feel towards a stranger because the person really resembles some one you really used to be close too..and funny thing is you actually like the person's company! but then its because of the resemblance to another, of which is really warped. ----


Day has been so-so..my Dad is overseas..he went off yesterday but i din send him off cause the flight was really early. but im glad he will be back before bro's bday. And last week my mum went overseas for a one-day meeting and it was only dinner time when she talked about it that i knew. Argh..and shes going off again soon..sian.

I just reached home. wOw..cant believe hwo today went. I had my virgin ride..
erm..on the motorbike..hahah..wah weird twist of events today. Sat on the bike belonging to an acquaintance. It was really fast, and its pretty weird sitting on a bike and wearing a skirt. Especially getting off the bike. My butt felt very cold and invaded, as the cold night air caressed my bare bum. Yucks. Oh my gosh..utterly unsightly.

Oh well, actually i was more worried about seeing my friend and she seeing us together. I know she will think something else, and i dun wish her to think that way. But it was a chanced encounter laa.

Thing is he is my friend's ex and she used to like him a lot and she does frequent that place quite frequently, so my worries are not unfounded.

But i am damn glad i reached home in one piece. Really..bike rides are not fun at all.

Presentation tml..hello buttery fingers!

So sweet!

Haha..saw an article on the papers some two days ago. Apparently the residents at staying around buangkok mrt i think, hung up pictures of white dancing fat elephants. That was one fat jibe at the authorities! Cause basically they took eons to open the mrt to the public because it will potentially result in a loss to the transport authorities..but really those arent my concerns.

HAHAH..i was laughing my arse off when I saw that. Plain ridiculous i tell you. They had pictures of elephants in various poses, all done in a tongue in cheek manner. But sitff-necked authorities say they will look into this manner. Argh..give it up already la..why cant they take a bit of a joke. But it does make it look ridiculous..but not as if it is bad, ridiculous like a nursery classroom.

People need to loosen it up a little. Loosen it up!

I just got to learn and accept everything about myself, the good and well, the bad.


Going over-critical is not the way to go, sometimes I don't feel the ounce of compulsion to do anything if I do know that i am gonna fail anyway. So why the ego trip. Flaw logic..it is so ironic when its times where you feel really down that cliches you have heard gets to speak to you. Now i hear its voice in my head telling me that "courage is when you know you are going to fail but go ahead anyway"..something like that. Blah and its from my o level lit text. I just gotta shoot myself down man, first i say i cant stand cliches next im sprouting them. What a contrary, i so don't understand myself.



I just signed myself on at amore fitness and this yoga centre called rejevoir. Amore fitness cause its the cheapest cheap thrill of pilates i can possibly get, and Rejevoir cause of its whole range of yoga. Its gonna burn some bling on my purse, about 150 buckaroos a mth i reckon? But since i dun spend on shopping, well hardly these days cause shopping doesnt have much of an effect on me anymore. My recent blow was a humongous green bag, which my mum gave a eeeww look and my brother gave me a ah-whatever look, and my dad gave me a Again?! look, and the sales girl from the shop gave me a you-wanna-get-that-pretty-yellow-bag-too-i-cant-give-you-more-discount look..I dunno what to say also. Anyways, it was a tad of a disappointment. Methinks, oh well, methoughts that it was damn nice cause it wowed my socks off..but when i took it how, it just look like a shapeless Ketupat. Dammit.



But it gave me inexplicabel satisfaction when i bought a $118 pearl earrings with a itsy bitsy diamond for my mum. Argh..it looked a little small, but i promised my mum i will get her something nicer when my tutee will just stop cancelling and postponing lessons whenever she feels like it, and i can get my pay on time. And gee the other time i went over, she apparently just woke up, and asked me if there was tuition today meh? when i was blardy already standing at the door?? hello, i dont do random house visitations. Bleargh.



Now that was bitchy, but it was always ingrained inside i supposed. Now will someone tell me that it is okay to be yourself, even if yourself aint the nicest person around. Tell me all about it will ya puhlease.


On second thoughts...I dont wanna noe! =)

Good golly! i'm actually really glad that things are off my mind as in school work. So i shant bother any about that. So there goes.


Anyways, was drifting through the shops at holland v whilst waiting for a friend, and there were some pretty vintage looking stuff there. Sequins and wooden accessories..really boho looking ones, and i was kinda intrigued, that I forgot the time. Well, no damage done to my purse. Case of self-restraint. Haha..anyways, I must must say that the pasta of nydc was really schmoochingly good. Thank goodness they placed tabasco on the table where we were sitting. The other time there was none, and pasta without tabasco is like sushi without wasabi, bachormee without belacan, prata without curry. Yaa..you get the drift. Was stuffing my face with the gluttony nosh, and with the help of my friend, we polished off the food. It must have blardy contributed to some calories from the throat down right to the tummy, but thats really besides the point, and sure doesnt help that we skipped down to harry's and guzzled some more drinks. boo hoo. i feel like a horse.

*
**
maybe baby you drive me a little crazy.
i don't know what it is but
gee..it must be something really out of the blue
so well, the image is kind of fuzzy
a little static and a little hazy
but it feels so right it must be wrong
should have known it,
but its hard to deny it
just want to see whatever we wish to see
prolly its a good dosage of hallucination
and what is reality
what is imagined
it has blurred the lines till they almost bleed across each other
honestly, i really really like you
and how come
questions that draw blanks with no answer
well, im good im good without you
supposedly,
just stay around my dreams will ya'?
i wanna be deceived.
cotton candy tastes good,
even if it melts as soon as you get the taste of it
good things never last anyway
so whyfore harp on some hope of a forever more.
*
****

I think Mel is off his rockets, again. That boy was telling me about the kinky librarian fantasy?! Come on Mel..come back to earth, puhlease.
You have been dreaming way tooo much.
like waaaay too much.

*belch!*

Haa..how weird is it when someone tells you they like this, this and this about you.


And then you go..eh? hmm..i dun even know that I'm like that.


Nonetheless, its flattering but it is still befuddling to me.


But how come I dun even feel anything. like no emotions.


I think i like Damien. But i think only, cause i think he has the things I like in a guy and therefore i think it makes perfect sense to be attracted to him. So i think it is good for my brain to tell my heart..like go! feel happy cause you should be happy. Clinical happiness or what? But he's going of for a snokelling trip on thurs. and it will be prolly a little funny without having him around. But i dunno..cause this is a matter-of-fact estimation on my part. Ah what factious logic we have here.


Why?


Posting rhetoric to blogspot. Great.


Give me back my feelings! I wanna feel something. Anything!


Anger, love, excitement, enthusiasiam. bring on the emotional rah-rahs the cha-chas.


Feelings have become so rationale and matter-of-fact lately.


I hope Sb is feeling better, and it was good that we talked things out. Good luck for tml! you can do it girl!


Say in this happy situation, ok...so there you go baby, one big smile...but it feels that the smile is plastered on the face, but I don't actually feel that my heart is smiling or whatsoever.


It feels stagnant and dead.


And it is not a very nice feeling.


And gee..what a majorly big contradiction. At least I can feel that its not nice.


Wow..i am like so on my way for a emotional experience ya..