Here after revising some work. Eeeky exams coming, so its kinda straight forward to me. Get down to study, and get over it. Hmm..methinks blogspot is therapeutic, although I can't pinpoint how this morbid feeling comes from where. Today was the first time i was usher in church, and golly! I had completely no idea that the ushers do work! I presumed its just standing by the door, giving out the church bulletin, thats all. Cause i was un usher in a church wedding once and that was all we had to do, besides opening the door for the bride and throwing some random confetti in the air. Yep, so there was quite a bit to do, small little stuff here there. Meeting was cancelled, and i have no idea when the next one will be held. After service i talked to Jacob and Jon. It kinda surprises me that Jon is really easy to talk to, cause he usually looks a little quiet and I am also a lazy one. So Jacob was there, so at least its easier. Esther got her license and I sat in her car with Jacob at the back to our aunts place. I haven been to my aunt's place for so so long. And i haven spoke to my grandma for a decent amount of time, the last time we really sat down and spoke was prolly during the trip to Xiamen. Where my mum and I was having this tiff, and my grandma came to sound me out. Sometimes i do feel that im indeed talking her for granted. But then again, I dunno how to show concern. Start from where? Sigh. Such a mundane and matter of fact post, i cant stand it. dry as a bone. My eyes are yawning.

Just imagine. Just when you think that your heart has found someone to love completely and you think the other party loves you just as completely. Gee...and you found that it you arent as important as you think, or maybe someone else is assuming the place which you assumed its urs. Now what a major bummer is that? To meet on different levels, and stupidly believing. How melo-drama. Worse if the whole story is spun in such that you have an omniscient audience, and the only masked one is the one who is you who assumes you know, but you actually dun't even know a thing? What an ironic situation! Tsk..ive been watching too many dramas of late, onscreen offscreen, onprint offprint, insight offsight. The worst irony is always always played on the person who assumes he knows. So dun really assume, cause you never really know anyways.

Cant you take no for an answer? No NO NOO! YES, you shall take no for an answer. Period

click and enjoy the crap

http://www.big-boys.com/articles/pianobros.html

really craaaaassss if u ask me

On a more serious note.


I wish some funny knot in my heart will be entangled, cause it is bewildering to say the least to see the twist of events in life. Perplexing because underneath it all, you have to realise that for certain elements, the ball is not in your court. And even if it is in your court, well, i should say its very good. But guess what. You arent the referee, nor do you set the rules, but you abide by them, get in the court with a good number of folks. Prolly you will surely get to see the ball, but do you even get to rest a pinkie on it. So the game makes you sweat. Think again if its sweat from the heart pumping adrendaline, or the cold sweat. Both essentially sweat, but from two a starkly contrast in the emotions.


The surface is usually a whole mask of a difference from the real deal. Tears of happiness, tears of sadness. Tears. Super warped it is. It is essentially this topsy-turvy-curving-and-whirling type of feelings that churns inside me most times. With half the time, pretty confused as to how i feel. Mostly it is haphazard, kooky and really random. So i will very much love to seek for a certain emo-stability from within, that guides some coherent thoughts or behaviour.


As of late, my behaviour and thoughts are random and undefined. Who likes that right. So there. With exams creeping up, i guess as for now, the weird thoughts have to be ignored for awhile, and shall go channel my haphazarded feelings into hitting the books.


I think i see a reflection of someone yet again. tell me all about it.

A dog frenched me. Eeks. I was hugging this jack russel called becky/decky/beeky/bicky, or some dunno-what-ky and it licked my face, and my mouth was semi-opened and the dog touch touched my tongue. I am so dunno-what-grossed by that! So this is the dog who lives at the thirteenth floor. Mind you this dog was wearing a LV doggie vest when i saw it just now. oh good golly, my outraged modesty! tsk. But the dog, ok..lets settle for dicky. Dicky has a sausage of a body, like bacon, round and a pert face, and black mascareyelinerish peepers. And a 0.02cm dog tail. Really short tail. And a LV collared vest of course. I think its cuter than kelly, the dog who lives 8th floor, but dicky likes me! dicky was licking me. Dicky tried to kiss me. Dicky let me carry it. Dicky was walking in between my legs. wahahahaha...ok.. Anyways! Today i had french oral. The subject of my topic has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with the subject matter of the previous topic. So. The french examiner was a french guy, called....i dun remember his name, but he is Nicolas' friend. Then he asked questions. First one was easy. 1)comment vous appelez vous? (how do you call urself) ans: je mapelle beverly, je suis etudiant et j'habite a bukit batok. Je suis singapourienne chiniose. je parle anglais..mandarin, mais je ne parle pas italien. J'adore ecoute la radio....( i call myself beverly. I am a student and i live in bukit batok. I am a singaporien chinese. I speak english, mandarin, but i dun speak italien. I love to listen to the radio) so the examiner gave me a why are u answering all the irrelevence look. Then i shutted my flopped mouth shut. I thought is introduction MAH. Next 2)blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. ans: (blank look) je ne comprend pas. (i dun understand) Next.. 3) blah blah blah blah blah blah blah ans: s'il vous plait? (then he repeats) then i say "je ne comprend pas" 4)..something something something....pour le weekend?

anss

ans: je aller au cinema. (i go to the cinema) --> which is really untrue cause i din actually go to the cinema, but yet i din noe how to say slacking away in french. So, to the cinema i must go.

5) blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

ans: ah non! je deteste!

( i had no clue what he was saying, but i just said i dun like. which is what i dun like, i also dunno)

6)blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

ans: excuzez-moi? pardon? (the examiner proceeds to repeat his question)

then comes my anal ":je ne comprend pas"

PHEW

end of oral!

OK..so Au revoir!

How ridiculous can this get?

Attainability has nothing to do with one's ability Just how bad you want it, isn't that good you see? But for issues that needa some tissues Things are a wee bit squidgy So i say desperation is the master key For all things else Skin, each sold seperately. Pile on the layers. As for me, hee hee, i shall await the coming of the dumbass squidgy one. Safe my skin for later. toodles!

This is a cover-up post..


I am alive and kicking, but its not the bucket im kicking


so tired after yesterday..fell asleep while doing work.


Anyways..these songs are really good..
1) One Thing, by amerie, feat vic damone
--> really has this feel good factor about it


2) Chronic by snoop dogg feat dr dre..
--> catchy reminds me of the "let me blow ya mind" by gwen and eve


3) I promise, by staccie orrico
--> unless u wanna cry then don't listen to this. this is tear-inductive. to hell with it.


4) You Promised Me, by ingrid
--> how can i forget this! this is my all time fave, it sounds ridiculous but in a good way. currently played 267 times on itunes. See i am compulsive obsessive


5) Pretty Fly, The offspring
--> this one! is the one that goes..give it to me baby..uh huh uh huh, give it to me baby uh huh uh huh, and all the girlies say im pretty fly for a white guy! sounds familiar? =)


6) Don't Lie by BEP


7) Thats when I love you, by aslyn
--> i listen to this only when my heart is in the emotional sm mood, if not i wont even try this song. Damn sad song you know, even your asshair will stand in a mushy way. Come on! We must all realise that sappy songs is a really contrived way to elicit sappy emotions out of us okay! with that said, i STILL fall for it.


8) Wu Ding
--> this is from the bygone eras. sap-inductive.


9) The Girl from Ipanema, frank sinatra
--> 'nuff said.


10) Family affair, mary j.blige
--> another one of my compulsive obsessed muse


11)Feels so good, by shola ama feat ms dynamite
--> nice, anything with ms dynamite is nice!


12) It takes more, by miss dynamite
--> pow wow!


13)Lady, by modjo
--> hoots


14)Besame mucho, by diana krall
--> a little sap, a little lazy swing


15) Dirt off your shoulder PLUS I Just Wanna Love you, by JayZ
--> YES! YES! DOUBLE YES!


16) Feels so good, by Jamiroquai
--> damn nice, same title as the one by shola ama, but different sound. Abit clubby.


17) As if PLUS I'm good PLUS Bring it all to me, all by blaque
--> blaque's really good! but i dunno why we dun hear much of her. Second song is one of the tracks on Bring It On, where eliza dushku does this little wacky dance at her door. another good one is "i'm good" at the honey soundtrack. third one is with n'sync, "bring it all to me". I really like her sound.


18) CHINGY!!! THESE SONGS... right thurr, PLUS one call away, PLUS balla baby
--> damnofantabulous i tell you.


19)Lean back, by terror squad.
--> ok it is.


20) FIFTY CENTS.
-Disco inferno
-Candy Shop
-aiya juust go get the ENTIRE CD.


my favourite playlist! there goes!

Ah Dot commented that my blog is getting analfrivolous! Which is really true, cause a quick scroll down proves this true. Sometimes I do forget that there is nothing private about having a blog with blogspot. That explains the sporodic rants that sound insane, cause I just type type type and there isnt a coherent thought process that speeds through the head. Beachiness was out on last fri, I couldnt make it. Good to see the pics though. Anyways I came across something interesting. It may not be oh-so-new-stuff to most, its just a perspective to things i haven seen before. So it says, the fear of rejection stems from a lack of self-esteem or confidence. Damnfully true! So Ah Dot was prancing and blowing some hot air over the phone just now. She said it like she thinks it is hot. I threw her a celery stick. She caught it and spanked me with it, I yelped in mock agony. We did our weekly grand slams, sarcastic jibes at the melo-drummer-boy-who-lives-a-berlin-wall-away. Laughed like wild crazy hyena, a-great-deal. I told her i need no support, physically. She told me i was sick. but i assured her it was really something she should go try, as per recommended by sb. this is really superficial talk! and it seems to me that i cant go into wat that is really bothering me and im just skirting round the borders. Dipping fingers into the cream without actually jumping headfirst into the cake. Ok. woe to me. I dreamed a little dream of him, sweet dreams are made of these.. who am i to disagree.. i travel the world and the seven seas.... bah! ok. subject proper So! see im being damn freaking true to myself, im not lying, im not skirting the issue, im not being elusive, im not being conscious.. And it seems really stupid to be thinking of someone who doesnt really give two hoots of your existence presence absence or nonsense. But i really cant help thinking about gabriel. oh ya, thats not some ficticious name or what. So this time i dreamt of him, like-what-is-new. a tad different cause this time it was really a NICE dream.. I find it really pathetic to say the least to be living a life in a constant dream, or constant daydream , may i add. My confidence took a beating, not spanking. I feel ridiculous myself, to admit that. It is the vibes that he gives off, the quiet confidence, the charisma, the bear-ish ooh ive got my hand stuck in a honey pot kind of a cutish appeal. But really it is the quiet confidence that is really attractive. So when i see him, basically i pretend i din see, not because im indifferent or what. Like the emotions are going a flurry inside me, i just don't know how else to suppress it but to avoid it. I really want to talk to him, just ask him how is he doing nowadays, how is he getting by, how is his mood, how is the weather.. ok, maybe not the weather-talk, but ya, damnit, this is not a possibility. Cause we haven been talking for so damn long? like 1 yr? sucks really. Im not fishing for attention here, its my blog. Nothing much to fish for. I miss just seeing him. So psychotic this sounds. Most psychotic is i actually went out with a guy whom i thought bore some resemblance to gabriel, but it did so bore the hell outta me. Ridiculous! We went out for even a few dates, and ya, he asked me to be his friend-girl. I was actually considering. That is the MOST ridiculous. Actually i haven told anyone about this before, ya, nobody at all. So ok laaa..let me be frank here. Now you know why sometimes i seem very not free. Thats why..Anyways, control as you might, sometimes liking someone has absolutely no rational reason. You simply like. Maybe im liking a perception, who cares. I just like. Well, i miss talking to him, even though the talk we had were mostly short ones, but he's a nice person. Ok, now i dun really know. I am confused. but i still like gabriel. Maybe for all my hallucinated thoughts. Allhail to them. Gee...thats a load of my chest. my figur-ative chest. I need no support k!

Fucking pain. ARGH! Dammit...this feeling really sucks. get lost.

Maybe!

Maybe i miss you
Maybe i miss seeing you
Maybe i miss seeing you talking
Maybe i miss seeing you talking and smile
Maybe i miss seeing you talking and smiling that smile
Maybe i miss seeing you talking and smiling that smile so sweet
Maybe i miss seeing you talking and smiling that smile so sweet, plus the charisma you bring
Maybe i am just hallucinating
Maybe i am just hallucinating and thinking myself silly
Maybe i am just hallucinating and thinking myself silly in memories of you


Maybe it is no maybe that i missed you.
The train stopped, it says time to alight.


Wait. Did i even meet you to have missed you in the first place?
how warped.
Come to think of it, I have thought of it so many times
till i cant really tell what is fact what is imagined
THAT is the Most warped.

missy with a piss of a hissy fit!

Fantastic. Plain ol' fantastic. Just screw it up baby! Screw it up!


Dammit. I really hate to be disappointed. And i put in effort into this presentation in turned out to be major bummer. Consolations aplently, when concerned friends asked me how did it go. Really bad! I am so not a perfectionist, ok, ummm...in terms of schoolwork ya and so when i say bad, take it at 100% face-value, its darn bad. Argh, I get the response. "At least its over". I mean i do know its over but i dun mean that! I mean ARgHhHhH whyfore i couldnt rein in my nerves. It is over and precisely thats why I am bothered cause I cannot do it again.


So the lesson ended and I went into this hissy fit in the....well, okay, in the toilet cubicle. I just went in sulked and did some mute screaming, silent pounding on the walls, kick some random air, actually i was in this kooky frame of mind that made me feel like I wanna empty the sanitary bin, but I shant engage in dirty and inconsiderate behaviour so I gave one more sulky pour, then walked out. You see it wasnt a minor hiccup. I was basically talking to this nice tutorial mate cum cameraman who taped our presentations, only. Because he was nodding to everything I said, and it made me really encouraged.


The constipated feeling, was fully expressed freely and it came forth so au naturel through the words. I was moving like a corpse with stunted joints, in the domo-origato-mister-robarto fashion of a terminator action. Where. By. Yo.u sTArT. tO. TaL.k lIkE. tHIS. and move like i have got some grapes jammed in my butt crack. Dammit.


Its not funny at all to me.then. yo.u. know!

Today I was out with my friend, the friend who was really down two days ago. I felt that this is a good time for us to meet up, and its better to talk to people face to face rather than on the phone. She seems to be doing better than when I last heard from her. Not crying anymore. But again, we were at coffee bean, I cant expect her to cry outfront in a public place ya. Kind of wondering how well is she taking the whole issue, but i DARE NOT ask.


Just in case laa, just in case i may ruffle up some feathers, stir up some deep-seated emotions, revoke some past memories. Of which all are sad stuff I suppose.


Still in the dunno-what-to-say mode. My feelings are getting rusty!


Some pants-to-be-wetting experience tomorrow. And its not the you-know-what, but the what-you-know. Drats..presentation nerves totally unnerving me.


Aw! that sure hit a raw nervous-ed nerve.

Was awkward today when i came across a friend who had some issues she found it hard to deal with. So she was complaining over it, and I was wondering why she was telling me that. Was thinking if she wanted me to be the supportive friend or the one who speaks up to wake her up. But of course i just shut up, cause nobody likes unsolicited advice anyways.


I thought of myself as a major fraudster. The problem she was sharing with me was a problem I was not doing very well myself, just that it was under the process of suppression. In fact! She is doing better than me, she was crying, and bemoaning. I am like, just dunno-what-to-say, dunno-what-to-do, dunno-how-to-emphatise. Sad case.


Lets just say, look around to find someone more pathetic! Then the bewilderment turned to mild irritation. But the irritation was directed not at her, but at myself. I am thinking, you have it, just not enough of it, but really to me its ample. Why isnt that enough? That was depressing me and I was damn tearing out inside in the end. Which is darn ridiculous, cause was initially ok. She's just caught in that temporal rut, the issue is to take a step back and look at the situation as a whole, not fixate all attention on the situation iself. In the end, it is the cummilation of events that strings a whole attitude. But i also din tell her that, just listened with the voice of a mute. She knows it better than for me to assume this superior position to tell her this or that way to do it, that is surely insulting her maturity and intellect. No advice asked anyways. Must admit that it was extremely hard to emphatise where she is coming from cause it was extremely hard to feel from that angle.


Actually i feel like aunt agony. Agonising.

Next week is gonna be a fun-some week, to my guesstimation. First, individual presentation which really psychs me up like-dunno-what, and the bm212 assignment. Gosh, all undone. Tsk...but i totally love the adrendaline rushes it comes when its one hour to the deadline and gee..still at the intro! hmmmm...


ok. So let me see, that was almost three months? reaching four. That is really long, and drrrriffffttttinnnnnnggggg. Can't put my finger down on the situatio anyways.


Actually i am damn scared about the individual presentation. so scared i may very well just pee in my pants.

Was thinking about what faye said, on the tagboard. But this time along friendship lines. This time not from the oh-poor-me-lets-go-bang-the-head-against-the-tree, but from the side if I had offended anyone. Must have, but sometimes im too tired to go and think. Cause i dunno if it stems from bochap attitude, or really i feel nothing!

Its more than words
Its more than what you say
Its the things you do...

gee..what have i done?!

Seems to me that everytime when there is this want to blog something that is actually nearest to that feeling at the point of time. Something anal pops up, and I wholly digressed. This is pretty much the way I handle many things in daily life. The agenda in mind, then totally deviating from the course. Bummer. I am just kind of sad at the realisation. The kind of realisation where you thought you were someone of a certain importance to someone, but thing is the person has a lot of "important" people who shares the same seat as you. Its a selfish thought of wanting the whole of the person, or well, the bigger share of the person's heart. Bah. So in the end, value of that importance is diminished. And I feel crapped. Really it is disappointing, gives this ache-twitch in my heart. But theres nothing much you can do about it, prolly I have offended anyone in this way, which i am not aware of? With that said, I extremely dread today's tuition. That girl is plain irritating, everytime i step in her house im like counting down the hours so I can get out. First, when im teaching the sec2 girl, her sister sits close beside me like stuck to my side, and plays with my hair. Damn irritating. I cant stand this kind of clingy girls. A few times i showed a "haha-go-do-you-homework-over-there" face. But she doesnt get it! Then she comes and ask me where i buy this pencil, that pen, that ruler, that eraser, that pencil-case, that highlighter, and she tests out my pens. Wah lau eh, damn irritating. Her sister! Ask me my height, my weight, why i dye my hair, if i put mascara anot? or wait is that eye-liner i see. The whole freaking 3 hrs there, i have to fend off pesky girl hands trying to touch my hair or my arm. I'm like can you STOP touching me, cause i hate it. urgh. If not for the money, i would have bail. Once a week, and its irritating the bullocks out of me. The only solution? Think money money money.

Aiyo. Hearing one line from Toni Braxton..makes my heart go a-shiver. Wah. So fast ah? Like when you watch romantic sappy shows..


No matter how i try to tell myself. Hey! Thats only a sappy marketing ploy. Oh and see thats how they use the yada yada yada thing to elicit sap outta us. And these are a sequence of emotive words yada yada yada. Still! I fall for it! hahaha..


Some people just got THAT face that feel, that funny something something...that makes me wanna ruffle their hair, and go awwww...like WHY are you so sweet and cute! And i feel like hugging them till their eyeballs pop out. Little poonchunwaicalvin has this thang.


i dunno i dunno. What a frat of a confused being! Jemgabis! =) nevermind. hahaha


So tired..shall go and count sheep. One woolly sheep jumps over the fence...two woolly sheep hops over the greens...three woolly sheep trots across the field...all the woolly sheep go baa baa baa. I have wool three bags full! Shave all the wool becomes a lamb...one hairless lamb, two hairless lambs..three hairless lambs...frisking on the grass. They thought...hmmm..the grass is greener on the other side.!


So they went over and met the boy-who-cried wolf. He cried thrice. Called for fun. Wolf came the third time..ate up all the lamb chop. The self-same wolf went and blew the houses of the three little pigs. The three little pigs squealled their asses off and twelve pig trotters went trotting very fastly across the forest. And they ran into the houses of snow white and the seven dwarves. They become friends.


Pigs are not known for being smart. Even the smartest of the three has an IQ of like...70? So the mentally challenged unfortunately got their drinks spiked by the vertically-challenged. So Dopey put dope in their soup and they fell into a pigsleep. So the evil dwarves roasted them. The evil dwarves even conspired to push humpty dumpty off the wall, just so that they could have scrambled eggs for breakfast. How evil! When they were about to feast into the tasty pigmeat. The witch from the south smelt the delicious-i'm-so-curious aroma!


So she prepared a tasty applicious apple to tempt the snow white. Snow white fell into a slumber. The seven dwarves thought she died and they cried themselves into despair. And they were so depressed, they went to jump off a bush. Being vertically-challenged, the bush was like a skyscrapper to the dingy dwarves. They died.


Snow White was kissed by the handsome Prince. Then the sunshone on snow white, and she became tanned. She had forgotten her sunscreen! Gee! So she was tall and tanned and young and lovely..but the super-ficial prince did not like the girl-from-ipanema kind. He is racist and does not like black beauty. He thought snow white reminded him of a horse.


Then he eloped with sleeping beauty. Who happened to awaken from her comatic state. They danced happily beside the beach in a romanauseous-esque state (burp). (sorry) Then..a tsunami came! oooh ooh ah! They fell into the deep sea. Where they found that the seaweed is greener then the grass on land.


They met little mermaid. At first they thought. Fillet o'fish! But the prince couldn't resist the bikini-toting mermaid. He felt very at home. The singaporean prince thought she looked like the female mer-lion back home. So anyways, he asked sleeping beauty to sleep all she wants, best is she go sleeps like forever, and he went with little mermaid.


But ursala the purple octopus with fat tentacles did not like the prince! So she wanted to humtum the little mermaid! But luckily the ugly duckling was swimming nearby and she asked the little mermaid to fastly swim on shore. They hecked the prince, who eventually drowned and became plankton for the blue whale.


Then little duckling and little mermaid rolled onto the shore, and met jack & jill who rolled down from the hill. They bummed into each other. And all of them died.


Then one woolly sheep jumps over the fence to see what happened! For the commotion had alerted its sheep ears. So it called the second woolly sheep and it hops over the greens...followed by the third woolly sheep who trots across the field....


yawn! I am bored.

There is this inexplicable comfort in hiding beneath the bedsheets. Just sitting on the bed, back against the bedsheet, with the entire bedsheet covering the head, and the entire being. It gives me a warped sense of security, being underneath and hidden. Somewhat like how a "transparent cloak" gives a child this sense of control and ease. Well, then the sheets must be my comfort zone. I always thought that things you do as a child always has this soft spot inside you. That no matter how old and mature the rational brain has grown, the little kiddy streak will still remain inside. Jumping in glee when the streaks of innocence comes out. Makes me feel so secure under the sheets with my kiddy checkered pillow, kiddy ty stuffed toys, and the pink pillow that Sb gave me during my 17th birthday. All squashed with me under the sheets. Then I will hug each kiddy toy, than put them back at the same spot. Then somehow it makes me feel better. It seems like a false sense of security I am fooling myself with. Cause life isn't all about living under the sheets of comfort, and who likes discomfort anyways, but we just gotta face it. There is so much going around about being strong, enduring and determined. Its hard really. But nobody wants to hear whining and complains and what nots. Whats with burdening someone else with your own problems and expect someone else to understand and emphatise. It seems to me that the zones and districts of comfort are drawn pretty clearly. So i would prefer not to talk about it. Talking less doesnt mean less pain I suppose, it means like hahah..dunno how to say? And theres a shitload of work to be done next week, whats the point of completing these. But its ok. I want my degree so I shall do it. Anyways, it saps a lot of energy in getting pissed over anyone, or even thinking why things happen as such, yada yada yada. Bochap these little frazzling ditties makes things a little straighter and neater. Maybe thats why people need to blog. To let off some steam. Reconnect with yourself and straighten some thoughts. I am tired of being tired, lost whilst trying to find the lost. Methinks the room is cleaner cause I vacuumed it a while ago, and I probably vacuumed a soul in as well. Emotions are darn cheap arent they. So no one gives a shit, or maybe they do give a little piss at it, laugh it as a fatassed joke, twiddle it with their fingers, run it through their fingers, and delve one swift kick at it, which sends it flying straight in the air and into the dustbin. Well, you believe you can fly right? jolly well believe it, cause many can send you a-flying in the air on-the-wings-of-love. Up and above the clouds, the only way to fly....gee. So if most don't give a shit, hmmm..like why should I! Kick you aside then you know.

People you have known like forever feels so comfortable to talk to, to be with..


Freaking nice.


John! Huimin said she saw you! =)


To Peiyu: No more split identities. I know who i am when with you all.


I love coke light and cheng tng.


You don't copycat me ok!


Such a pussy.


Tsk tsk.

Was about to start typing those cheeze-sleaze stuff...like bemoaning life's utter bleakness I-am-in-the-pits(and i dun mean armpits)-and-no-one-bloody-knows. These words makes me feel anal retented. Like since nobody knows, then whyfore bemoan to blogspot? you think blogspot knows? Melodrama man. But again...hey! I am being the double-standards bitch here. Cause I am guilty of it, but i still complain. Weird! hahah...Then I thought how funny, to have thoughts regressed to such level of patheticness. Having to talk to the air. But I am really not too sure. Feelings sometimes do come in a cacoPHONY-esque way..totally random, and undefinable. I am running out of words to say. And heck i dont even feel like talking. It wasnt such a fantabulous week, cause things hadnt turned out the way I wish. Really somethings are not within my grasp. Its a-okay. I am a neater person now. Cause i can compartmentalise my emotions into drawers, lock them up neatly, and not let some psycho-dodo to come in and rummage through, steal things most important to me. And what? My piss-ass heart finds itself thrown into a sanitary bin with all those MENsus shit, and wonders in a pseudo-cupidised mode.."oooh where am I? I see red..this must be the Sea-Of-Love." Ya..so right! *BEAMS* eh, hello! wake up pls.

I

my little bro

Sitting in the car, with my Dad driving


Sweet talking my mum


Me and my lil bros at the back


Was leaning my head against my lil bro's head


My seat was lowered


One hand on my tummy


the other arm across my bro's shoulder


I just thought for the moment,


as my eyes were scanning at them in the dark


what a beautiful family i have.


I look at my bro,


he is just about the cutest being in my eyes,


i feel in my heart, a genuine love towards him.


The kind of love where you want the best for him,


you see the most adorable person in your eyes.


I don't suppose I have enough love capactiy within to love anyone more than this


Makes me wonder when he starts growing up,


which is soon to be these few years, will he still wanna hold my hand when we go out?


or will he still wanna do the silliest kiddy stuff with me?


watch cartoons together Sneak downstairs late in the night?


I had this sickening wrench of the heart when i think of such


But im probably being paranoid.


He is finishing his PSLE on Mon.


My parents and I have in store a surprise for the little brother


exciting it is!


This love knows no holds cause basically it expects really nothing in return.


Just the good of the person.

I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY!!

Haven't you notice, ALOT of things in the Universe is round.


The Earth is round,


the Sun is round,


the Moon is round,


cycles in life is round,


lifecycle,


seasonal cycle


day cycle


I think thats the way the Earth works, cause everything beautiful and perfect is a cycle/round.
Things go "full circle" by virtue of the perfect beginning, and glorious end.


SO.. i tell you THATS why my face is ROUND.


really it reflects the beautiful cosmos in Perfect Parrallism. The more beautiful it is, the fuller the circle.


Now i also know why my face is a big circle,
and oops! my boobs..

Never mind that is such a depressing thought that spins my head in Circus.
i mean, Circles.

I see you My heart is gleeful I sneak a peak at you, your presence gives me the same indulgence as a sinful cake loaded with gazibijion calories See you with the little sneaky corner of my eye But that was then Now i still see cakebox. There's the cake sitting pretty in it But you know what you cant see don't hurt you And so like that i don't want to see already lor!

I suppose there's this really thin line between being nice and being compromising. And somehow or the other i think there's a thing in people that wants to push this envelope. Me inclusive of course. It is really skewed to say the least that the very people that ought to be treated nicely are the very people who get walked over, and the people who should be ignored, are the ones who gets people to compromise to them.


Of which I really cant make some sense out of it.


And of late, I have been feeling even more passive. Sometimes i don't even remember how my day got by, it just by its own miraculous ways, floats by itself. So the soul feel detached from the being. Like two seperate entities, together, but not quite, but still, they exist together as a form. Funny. Don't really understand it.


Anyways, kind of in a rut right now, nothing really pisses me, nothing really gets me excited, nothing really makes me happy, nothing really makes me sad. I am just in mood suspension, and I am not complaining. what an oddball situation, feign some emotions, maybe that can convince myself.


How depressing this sounds! But really im not as half as depressed really. Just confusion, translated to the written form. Somehow the essence is not really there, cause boredom sounds like a wonky brain with suicidal tendencies.


Which is exaberated by tomorrow's *bleeping* presentation. Pass me the hammer someone.

Waiting to be green queasy. cherub-pretty, kinda dreamy.

Hazy air just let me clear it up, i'll find you.

Maybe you wanna find me first?

Lets break the ice

ice baby

I was not intending to blog, but this peculiar feeling inside made me feel the need to jot it down, retain the emotion before it evaporates.



A certain vacuumed but yet wearied soul sits within

Drained from the light and the grand scheme of things

I suppose hope and faith and love are three words

that i really wanna believe in

Let these be the beacons that guide my life

They are constant and i know they wont fail

Could do more with inner strength and some emotional compass

To paddle my way through this confused vegetation

Pluck some weeds out

See a clearer picture

And hopefully, with great faith, believe that the world is a loving and cute one at that

Peace.

sexist equality

You know the world is a sexist one.... when they say... "ooh that such a pussy!" or basically how people in general, are skirting in frivolity But there's always the major dickhead to balance that up, and sum everything to an Equality. oh well!

sundance raindance

Being needy is certainly not a boost to one's self-esteem. You feel helpless and dependent and not in control. Just like a floundering butterfly, helplessly finding some dry spot to land. Whatever it is. No one is indispensible. Just gotta grit on, make do, be merry, think happy thoughts. The mood's better now, no pissed up my alley. Wouldnt it be good if all good things in life are served on a conveyor belt, were you merely have to plonk your ass on a cushiony seat, snap the chopsticks apart, await the goodies to travel to your sight, aim, kiap it up! And thats all. No sweat. Oh..best if it serves buffet style..heehee..and since when do goodies have a marginal ultility of zero?? They are on a constant demand, which does more does not diminish. Who says too much of anything is bad? I would gladly welcome these showers of blessings with happy opened arms.. I may even do a rain dance to welcome (them) to my life!

There are people in life whom you remember, others whom you walk with but strangely disappear, others who were there because they happened to be walking beside you, others whom you meet and choose to steer away from them cause of some random unease, but a happy some whom you wanna keep close to heart.


Now I know why Hm was insanely pissed with him last time and balked when I told her that he is a nice person. Nice my ass. I am just feeling disgusted at the pompous self-righteousness and the way he likes to put himself on a bloody pedestal and tell people how things should be done. Yucks. And it is not as if you asked for his advice, he just offers if anyway..why? Cause he feels that as a 4As-2spaper-6pointer high-flyer, it is his prerogative to educate others on how people should lead their lives.


And so thats why i deliberately not pick up the phone when it rang cause although it showed "unknown number" I knew who it was. I mean who else who calls like a ritual? So its better on someone else's ego if you miss their call then if you refused to pick up right? Anyways, I have done this to this person only, just in case anyone thinks that i hate you to the guts cause I didnt answer. Really seriously, no.


I would'nt have remembered until the pissiness was provoked last night.


Oh and I'm gonna go for tuition, wonder if Shawn and Sheryl will like the present. Hmmm...=) I thought it was really practical for someone their age, and took quite some time to go get their presents on Wed. Keeping my fingers crossed!


And to sabai..I saw the message. That was bloody sweet of you! hahaha..no frets ya. I will be there.


So happy children's day everyone!


But I dun think it is our prerogative anymore!