silent reflections of a confused soul

I really need and hope for something good to happen in my life, something absolutely wonderful and purposeful. But somehow I feel that I dun deserve nice little blessings to come walking by, being the nasty person I am, all the lousy thoughts and all, blessings should descend upon nicer, sweeter people. If there's a priority system with regards to blessings..argh..maybe its a good idea to brace myself for bad stuff coming my way. And i dun even have a clue what I'm rambling about here..dreams will always remain as elusive as an oasis in the desert of hope. Getting wonky already..or maybe i should go get a life. Neither is this a call for attention, so really, the last thing I need now is asking me to cheer up, when simply there's nothing that is brings a cheer. Abhore this kinda pathetic mood, really I do wish i were one of those happy, sweet girls. They seem to have this very postivity to them that I really envy, yet at the back of my head, wondering cynically is that all a show of bliss. Of course, would love to think that it is the former, not the latter. Ah..what is this wretched mood-swinging devil that is dancing and prancing around in my grey matter. So much so that I really cant take it anymore, or is it because I'm too spiritually detached from God? Weak and random is the human mind. Try as you might to comprehend, understand, but why does it always elude? This is getting ridiculous, not only am I thinking myself silly, I'm actually posing questions to Blogspot. This is not a sudden bout of sadness. It's a emptiness inside, a void. I acknowledge the fact that the decision to go Business is a wrong one indeed. But my sorry ego refuses to admit. A good friend suggested swapping course over to Fass, but again I dun wanna let myself off that easily, the more irriatating it is, the more I shouldn't bow down to it. That sounded macham as though I'm damn determined, but I guess not. Its the sorry ego, or maybe I just love to torture myself? Hah.. So what now, the vacuous void inside is sucking me into this abyss, for which I have no clue as to where it heads to. I pray for strength, guidance, cause as much as I try to pose a brave and happy front, somehow, I wish it was a true reflection of the inside. Its a whirl of confusion, trying to find my way through life for which I see no focus and no purpose. It is in these moments, sadly, that I realise how weak and insignificant I am without Him to guide me. Neither is it good to plague my friends with my ridiculous problems. Somehow, it will only bring shit to their lives, and that I can't bring myself to do. Nobody owes it to anyone to shoulder any of their problems, and even my best friends have their own lives to lead, problems of their own. It is simply not fair to unload my burden and place it on them. Maybe some problems you can actually talk about them, but there are some, that should jolly well be kept within, internalized. Just need a clear distinct focus, plus an idiot-proof map and a compass to slowly, find my way there. I happened to view my previous entries, and wonder how it is ever possible to blog such anal stuff. But again, maybe I was cowering behind the frivolity, but now its really tiring to put up another hapy facade. Ah..I'm getting so wonky, and my head hurts. Should go and do my project now..why..

Being sick these days has allowed so much time to reflect upon certain things. Some that I've neglected, resurfaces to show me its importance. Whereas I have come to a realisation--after so long, that some things don't matter at all. Not because I have come to mentally detach myself from them, its just that they are really not within my control, and so there's really no basis in revolving thoughts on them. This realisation has given me some impetus to change my blogskin! Haha, that sounds so plain ridiculous, but somehow I've taken a liking towards neat, fuss-free, elegant, poised, retrochic-ish stuff. Anyways, I digressed. Talking to Sabai on the fone for a whole 3 and half hours and Ah Dot for another hour feels so nice. Really..its like just casting the facade away, open the emotional floodgates, pour out all your thoughts, and knowing that the other person wouldn't judge you for what you said. I mean its really a simple pleasure in life, just talking..that is, without the facades. I suppose this form of connection comes about through a lot of time spent building up a relationship. That is why I always thought that relationships are so to be treasured. But somehow, I find it somewhat uneasy about letting the emotional side of me come out. So frankly, its really difficult to bottle up all those pent up emotions at times. Well, I guess its always better to hold it in then talk it out and risk scaring people off with all the emotional stuff. But again, I really love that close intimate feeling of getting all emotional. Gee, what am I talking about?! Its like something you crave for, yet something that seems a bit far-fetched that you wouldn't want to risk stretching out your arm and reaching for it. Thus, the net outcome would be sitting at the original spot, attempting to grapple with all the overflowing emotions. Ah, the talk with Sabai was so so sweet. And yes, it got me damn emotional, I felt like a mush pot. So Sabai was saying about how long our friendship has gone by, and that one day we would attend each other's weddings and be the bride's maid. Heck! I guess I could be the old maid as well~! Anyways, I digressed AGAIN. Okay..this is suppose to be that of a sappy and extremely emotive mood. (Cue: A very sappy love song) I was picturing this really romantic scene of Sabai throwing her hand bouquet (yes, I'm crap of a cliche) amidst a whirlwind of confetti. And guess what, i cried. As in, teared up over the phone. Nope, definitely not because I din manage to catch the hand bouquet (that would be so phone-y), but actually just the whole thing about you know seeing your best friend happily in love and moving to the next stage of her life. Its so beautiful you know, like you know (more cliches) white setting, doves, flowers, everlasting love. Its really too much for me to handle, because it just like the emotional side of me that is ever so eager to tweak out, I subconsciously know that beautiful things are meant to fantasize about, and dreams are meant to vapourize rather then materialize.Hmm..and does that explain why the sudden surge of emotions? Probably..So I told Sabai..aye, dun say anymore I'm like going to turn into this emotional wussy. Sabai's response to that was."your mensus coming or is coming or came (and left)" That really got me tickled. Be it Men or Mensus coming/is coming/came in their various past present or future tense, I'm still a heck-of-a-emotional sap! No correlation!! Hahaz..I really love this girl to bits. She is funny, as in you can never quite expect what will come out of her. Somethings that she did are totally hilarious and gutsy. Things that I'll probably dare to do in-my-dreams. Yesh, so whenever she tells me what she did, I cant help squealing like a deranged nutcase cause that was so what I wanted to do, but have no guts to do. Oh..technically speaking I do have a gut found somewhere in my stomach?? I digressed...AGAIN. So Sabai is totally frank also. (and i think she likes paul frank too=)) This quality i find very attractive in her. Simply because what you hear is closest to what you can get in reality. Without all the bulls**ts. Cant stand those beating around the mulberry bush that kind of stuff. Frankness is always the first step to the development of a friendship, i feel. Sometimes, its really more important to be flogged down by the frank opinions, rather that be moddle-coddled with all the saccharine sweet-honey coated words. Really..the latter does not help much in anything, except to give you some mental diabetes after prolonged exposure. She's really that great man! What can I say? I feel so extremely blessed to have her and Ah dotty-wheres-ur-potty as my closest buds.Love is so in the air after talking to them. They have thrown away all jaded views about friendship, and make me believe in treating friends around with utmost sincerity as best as possible. Maybe the world is really quite a pretty place to live in, if the lens of cynicism would be discarded and replaced with something like love and trust. It really does seem so much more cheery to me now. =)

Good health is something taken for granted for most times, everytime. Now as I'm typing this, I'm basically having a throbbing headache, caused by a nasty bout of flu, and an infection that is making my eyes and cheeks, or rather my whole face resemble that of a hamster, whose face has been stuffed by alot alot of gua-zi. Okay, fair enough, not so cute after all. But thankfully the fever has subsided, so I don't feel HOT anymore! So I went to see the doctor, and he said it was a nasal infection. Kinda serious though, it sure doesn't feel good at all.

Being sick, as in physically has allowed me some time to redefine some focus in my haywire life. After much thought, I guess I'm quite clear as to where things should be heading too. Sure feels good to have a focus, instead of wandering around aimlessly, and it should put some random thoughts to rest too!

I have not been blogging much lately, pretty much due to the whole bunch of tests that filled this week. Well, activities in this week are really all not worth mentioning, from monday till today it was boring and constipated throughout. Sabai commented that the tumultuous tailspin of emotions are largely attributed to a lacking of a clear sense of a goal in mind. Totally can agree with her. Anyways, I digressed. A life lesson that I've learnt this week is that sensitivity works both ways. That is if you claim that you are apparently sensitive to what others say, and complain why they aren't sensitive to your feelings, well, surely you have to be sensitive to the feelings of others in order to validate why you can be upset over the apparent insensitivity of others. Am I making any sense here? Well, apparently, this is a rather round about notion. This realisation reminds me that I've got no grounds to blame other for people being insensitive if I myself fail to feel it from the other end. So apparently I got to exprience this hypocrisy first hand, which got me to reflect upon my actions. I was actually fuming inside. To the extent it threw me to an utter disgust, to the point of some total bewilderment. First to the hypocrisy-on-apparent sensitivity, then to myself. I have this impression that everyone has a basic sense of sensitivity. Well, definitely some more acute then others. In the event when someone is insensitive, I cant help but wonder what is the underlying intention. At least, I'm speaking from what I think. First, it could be sheer carelessness. Second, you know it. You know you are insensitive but somehow in the moment of time, there is no general attempt to care about how the person may feel. Thirdly, the person is of little importance to you, out of your love circle, therefore somehow the feelings of that person is not within your consideration. One can never belittle how small "carelessness" can have on others. Emotions are something very personal. If you happen to feel that its really no big deal, it doesn't mean that the other party takes it as lightly as you may think. But sometimes, I cant help but wonder is there any point one is trying to put forth. Or is that merely a true reflection of inner feelings. Came across this phrase which goes like this: when you are joking, half of it is true. If you say that one is Fat, in a im-joking-you-noe manner, hmmm..are you really joking? Cause, fact is you think that person is Fat. So isnt that a reflection of what you think of the person? Okay, maybe this example is really superficial, but I must admit at 2am in the morning, I cant exactly think of anything more substantial. So thats why they coin the term " cruel jokes".hmm..Now, somethings are really more than meets the eye. Don't believe what you see totally..hmm..something real fishy about that. Should I believe then? Contradictory. Leave the saccharine sweetness to the ants. Come on..sweet..just how real is all this sweetness, haven you heard? the phrase sweet revenge? Just note the blatant oxymoron in that! Sweetness devoid of sensitivity and real emotions underlying is cheap. Totally. Sigh..I really honestly truly don't like to look at things in such a suspicious and jaded angle. Used to do that so frequently in the past, that I told myself, thats no way to look at the world. Thus, I really abhore it when events that happen seem to tweak that suspicious side out of me. I dont like it at all. There's alot of undercurrent angst that comes with that. It is surely no healthy way to build any form of relationships with that kind of insidious thought haunting at the back or your mind.Ah..but again it does feel good to let some steam out. I'm not fuming anymore, but really the issue of sensitivity has been breached. And i really dunno if the dynamics are the same as before. Not quite as yet

The main message is actually in between the silences. I really treasure our friendship. It is more than I could ask for, and so much more than I expected. Somehow we managed to picked up the friendship from where we left off, as though there was no time lapse of any kind. You have this unique quality that makes all forms of facades, wholly unneccessary. I'm so glad that you know, after a really tired day, I can just peel off the mask and just talk to you. (and just in case you were wondering, i aint talking about what facial mask **rolls eyes..ha**). Whatever it is, ya silence is golden. Hope you get what I mean. And i'm super gian-ing that 50CENT cd, puhlease send me da Candy Shop ya, so I can like replace the Andy Lau one (no offence wx!) Hahaz..

I can see the coming of another mild bout of neurosis. This is no good, cause everytime it happens there would be this sudden want to disappear. Its really pathetic cause Spore is as small as your..*******..okay, (no expletivies)..argh..very small la! There's really no where to disappear to, maybe the sewage pipe? So just now my phone was ringing and I was contemplating not picking it up. But I did. Turns out to be another sai kang. Thank you very much ah. I really so needed it! **rolls eyes** After which I regretted the not-so-smart choice of picking the phone up. Getting cranky already. Was just reading a book totally on social satires, practically satirising everything..all the social pretenses. Well, it was a jolly good laugh, and it just serves to re-inforce my jaded view of things. But humans are social creatures, so I guess interaction is a part of it. Sometimes it really can get a wee bit tiring. For instance, due to a need to remain civil, a lot of real emotions are swept under the carpet, just simply surpressed. But on the surface, is a more subdued version of the actual emotion, or at times, wholly different from the original emotion by itself. I must say it was a good time talking to an old friend. Ah dot. Yes you..hahaz..poor thing man, called blur like for so many donkey years. Anyways, I guess we were going schizo talking educational talk and trash talk all at the same time. Totally insane man!! Ya..super hilarious when you were acting like some nodding idiot! wahaha..so much for the attempt to go high-brow ya? kudos for the **attempt** but sorry I saw through it! Fail! My eyes were like rolling to the back of my head when I saw your response..hahaz..better not say too much here, if you get what I mean. But anyways, you stay horny, corny and *****..ya the last one you go figure! Wahah..come on man, put your anal crap to good use. Nice talking to you though, my greatest disco inferno freak! Come on lor..shake that ass? First, I've got no freaking ass, second, just if you din realise, an ass is also a donkey.. Oh man!!!! Okay..you go away! Hahaz..talk more ya, I love the trash coming from your mouth, coz everything we talk about is all politically incorrect. But who cares ya?

Well, I just came to a rather disturbing realisation that the examinations are indeed drawing near. Much as I would love to skirt around in a absolute state of denial, argh, that is really quite an impossiblity. Next week would be one fraught with tests, quizzes, projects, but yes..going out! That's definite. I'm looking forward to the social gatherings that are forth-coming, but that has to go with the other not so fun stuff that comes with it. So well, theres a rather love-hate thing going on for next week. Plan activities include, monday's dinner at Rice Table with sheane, weixiong,sherwe, ernest and faye, benedict and huimin on friday, and yes! Orchid Country club with Sb to channel some angst to whacking some golf balls, which is the ultimate high~ of the week. =) Recently, or rather just yesterday, I happened to stumble upon a bag of lies which I find it a tad ridiculous. A fantabulous story spun from a bag of lies, which apparently claimed that I so regretted opting out from a relationship that I went clamouring back. Hmm..that is real funny when the thing is I was trying so hard to escape from the shackles of it, I was ready to beg to be left alone. Ah! Maybe it is an attempt to redeem some lost ego. If thats the case then I guess well, I will try to understand. Today was spent meeting sb then going for tuition then heading home in an attempt to get my academic act together. Feeling the heat from the exams, like total sambal belacan plus double dose of wasabi (and what have you) being force-feed into me. I shall remain stoic! But hmm..Im not convincing myself really. So I shall allow the tsunami of tests hum-tum me then. Maybe in the face of academic adversity I shall muster up a wry smile. Boy...does that **smile** look so constipated.

My cousin said my blogskin is pretty suggestive. Hahaz..yeah kinda true, but I never quite saw it that way. Just thought that Jessica Alba has a really toned body, thats all. Really Esther! I assure you that its nothing more provocative then that. Yesterday's cell group was talking about not judging others in a top-down manner ala im-holier-than-thou kinda attitude. Gosh. I'm so guilty of that. But now I try to push that type of condescending thoughts away, because by the mere fact that I've got no right to judge. By judging, I mean complaining about little things. Complaining and whining, and what have you? So just like a broken record that spins the same irritating tunes that buggers the crap out of you. I suppose i'm the human manifestation of that. Which is really not too good at all! Anyways, you cant expect a broken record to start spinning new tunes just like that, and thus, i'm making this a conscious effort to keep an open mind not to judge. Recently, I've been in a rather uppity mood. More focused plus more renewed faith just provides more strength in dealing with SAR-prises that springs on me like one jack-in-the-box. And ya! I really dun mean it in the SAR-castic sense. **ya right?!** Arghh..okay. So staying calm, remaining un-pissed. Hmm..that is not exactly a piece of chocolate cake but well, gotta try to make the best out of the not-so-good. I guess life would be much more happy by looking at it in an optimistic manner. Funny how one's mood swings up the pendulum, when one meets with someone interesting. Hee..when one feels that someone else is intellectually engaging and that there's some common ground, one cant help but feel abit over the moon..and especially this happens once in a blue moon..and the thing is..**the moon is NEVER blue**. Okay, i digressed about the blue moon..ahhah..so one is happy and when one is happy, one cant stop smiling and one cant help but have deluded thoughts in one's head about someone. Even if the deluded thoughts are out of this world, or heck! Out of the universe, one doesn't really give two piles of smelly shit about it. So if you substitude the one with Yiwei, so...ooh! I thats why i'm delightful. Funny ah?! I'm still smiling and grinning and laughing and being a happy sap! whee~

No news is apparently good news..ah..what a new revelation. Nevertheless, it also pretty much translate to no action! This is soon going to bore my socks off. Well, there was a FM quiz today, which i totally died and resurrected altogether. It killed me. Argh..my ego was basically dragged to the back alleys and flogged by this FM mafia. But anyways, I'm not too buggered up though. No point getting all so jittery about a quiz, can't make it, study harder for the biggie. Easy peasy does it.There was this last episode of the Bachelor running on tv just now. And i watched it, and went aha! Told ya there's no such frothy dreams alive in the REAL world, it only happens in the REEL world. I think its really sad, the total dramatic irony of it all, especially when Tara walked in saying that all she ever wanted was Jesse. When all of us knew that he very well chose Jessica already. But we can muse, moan and bemoan. Heck! We can even ramble on forever about this topic. The thing is the notion of Love is so much beyond words. Words can never replicate that feeling. Just look at the phrase, cliche, whatever "i love you". Its so abused and over-used, I cant help cringing and rolling my fugly eyes when I hear little sec1 kids vomit them out like nobody's business. Something so divine has been relegated to the ranks of the cheap and the tarty. Love joins two persons as one. Try tell that to the mr maths, he will tell you no way one plus one is still one. Never mind. Who am I to comment? Simply feel that its really saddening to see emotions thrown around like some whore. It deserves much more R.E.S.P.E.C.T.In fact, I actually started out with this blog with something quite substantial to say. Just to sigh and let loose of the pent up thoughts that were fidgetting about in my grey matter. Came to a stark revelation about something. Ignorance is really blissful. With that said, I am certainly not talking about being retarded, but just to have simple thoughts, be as fuss-free as possible, and to trust in Him. That would be the closest you can come to reaching something more carefree.I still wanna indulge in my frivolous foamy thoughts, never mind if they are not tangible. It helps to detach from the wretchedly insidious boredom at times. Fantasizing is a bliss too!

I said frank opinions are well appreciated even though they may be cutting. That is if the frank opinion was requested in the first place. So if it isn't please jolly well shut ur fat flopping mouth. Go somewhere and talk to the trees or something like that. Or maybe if you want some feedback, maybe you should go to the monkeys. I bet when you start talking they'll throw all their peanuts at you. The right to blast is soley reserved to my close friends only, for which in that case, there will be no grudges held at all. But who the hell are you?