silent reflections of a confused soul

It has come to a point of whereby I'm kinda drained from being stuck perpetually in this emotional trough. So no more relentless ranting from now on, at least im trying to keep that at bay. Being busy really helps to keep wandering thoughts from floating away to neva-neva land. & trying to look more at helping others instead of like always thinking of my own deluded problems, of which i gathered are really dancing and prancing ard the same old issues. i've got nothing more to say already, so i'll end off with this verse that i find really comforting. Kinda just put you at this peaceful frame of mind, & gives real assurance that God is there.

"The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold" (Psalms 18)

I will always remember this verse. This very verse had helped me bite my teeth and just go through the whole A levels when i totally crumbled then. Even thought of walking out of the econs exam. i just spent like 15 mins praying in the exam hall, whilst pple beside me were scibbling away. I never thot an exam could have such a tremendous blow on me. Maybe its the arrogant assumption that it's always me controlling the exam, not the other way round. So after the exam, i just went to the toilet and like cried for so long, till like it was dark and the next day was history exam. even called peiyu and said i dun wanna take this whole shit anymore. That was the worst mental collapse. Its the comfort assurance of this verse. Just simply to trust in him. The pastor was saying a few weeks back, something that etched in my mind. He said that blessings are meant to be received, not something that you chase after relentlessly.

I'm so disgusted at myself for always running back to Him whenever I'm down, but the next minute forgetting him when everything's alright again. So now as i reflect. Oh man, i cant believe how far have i actually drifted away. This isn't good. & again its the very same verse I'm now taking refuge in, to see beyond the present abysmal state, and just trust in Him.

Total Burnt Out

It sure feels detached to be going through the routine activities, or rather the routine passivities devoid of an iota of emotion. This is not living, but purly existing. I really wanna see the light at the end of this abysmal darkness, just a peek maybe? To let me inch slowly towards it? but hell no, that light at the end of the tunnel could very well be the light of the oncoming train. I just have to stand there and let it come and take me away. Or can i just escape.

The last thing i want is to bother my friends around. Totally waste their time. Oh well, saw Holly today at the free access lab. Sigh, at that instant was sheer relief and it was so comforting to see a familiar face. i almost had this girl-y instinct to just hug her, erm..in a friendly kind. Instead of telling her how ecstatic i was to see her, out came a very passive "hi", which TOTALLY belied the strong emotions inside. I dunno why though, probably feel kinda vulnerable expressing the undercurrent emotions. Which by the way, is ALWAYS very strong and intense. Ya, tink i really miss staying at her hall, all the late night yakking and all. Gee, come to think of it. The impetus of staying over was often driven by a very ambitious, but yet very deluded aim to pia through the night in a frenzied mugging session. Coz i will always lug one sack of textbooks to cheat my conscience into some semblance of time to be spent in constructive study. Oh well. Too bad that the grandiose plan was always foiled by several bouts of yakking high, and an occasional eUrEkA! moment of oops-i-feel-so-fat-lets-go-and-run now. Aniwaes, my sorry conscience was surprisingly not feeling a wee bit sorry. Reason being Holly has a very angelic face that literally speaks to me in a way such that it absolutely synchornised with my indulgent thoughts. Well the face speakeths to me"nay, thou shalt not study, lest thou wouldst be condemned in greatest misery".

This year's (deluded) resolution was not to complain. Okie so i was lying through my loose tongue, gap teeth and fat flopping mouth with springs as lips. Watever~! **go away!** If you dun wanna listen go pour candle wax in ur ear to add on to all the ear wax. I'm sure it will help? **blink**

Sigh, all we talk about in school is earnings per share, bond prices, money money and how to make more money. Fanatical man. Who needs to know so much in the first place. See.. Silas Manor got helluva bling bling, but what happened? All kena stolen. I'm so missing lit. At least there's Plath to console me that there are sad sobs in the world. Some Ishiguro to remind me there's some one else more trapped in self-denial then i am. Cleopetra who set the benchmark of a total drama queen cum menopausal basketcase so high i cant possibly surpass. Who cares bout which freaking account to debit or what financial leverage ratio? I dun even give 2 hoots about it. Man...you know really, sometimes follow your heart, not ur rational brain that tells u to go into smthg cause it's more practical. I'm kinda regretful of the decision at times, just because i went to a course that is deemed to be economically viable. So its like being a whore to the education system, learning the business of which is really none of my business.

Whatever it is,a decision made is a decision made. I'm just resting my faith in the hands of God that no matter how bleak the situation might be, He has his plans. I guess this is the only solace i can rely on. Coz i've been thinking myself to death, and have yet to find a resolution to all this fluctuating emotions. Guess I'm like the ant on climbing up the coke can, hahaz, the fattest one. So myopic that I can't appreciate the richness of His plans as yet.

how great would it be if everyday is just blissful. But, i dunno why, it seems so easy yet so impossible. if life is meant to be a cycle, is the fluctuating emotions a tide of nature as well?

In the Zone

Apparently someone is pissed with me, so much so the mystery someone is presently indulging in a bewildering bout of rant-like soliloquay. like one super kao peh cleopetra plagued with a year's dosage of pms. i refuse to go into self-explanation, clear any misunderstanding, or what nots. you dun need to ask(ARSE) me if i'm psychic to sound out that distaste. Credit must however, be given to the effort in dressing the distaste daintily in a civilised manner, that is, to cower behind a screen of ambiguous elusiveness. Smthg like bemoaning the global injustice the world in general, (ahem, which is me) has bestowed upon you in their shameless insensitivity.but i shall be civil & gracious,allow you to holler, rant, rave at me,watever..up to you, anything that helps you channel your angst. I'll even go as far as being your moving target that does not move, so as you can shoot me down with your words. I can very well shut my ears for that matter. hmph.

plain tired, from all the ego-trashing by de mathsy mods. it seems silly to be that disturbed by school, but its horribly weighing me down like one disgusting piece of fat cellulite-ridden lard. i feel like one blardy lup cheong. My mind is morbidly obesed with thoughts. So obesed that its having difficulty in metabolising all that crap. What now? Dream of myself running like one nutcase on a t(d)readmill. to shake off that obesity?! This must be THE absymal low.

Sleep has become a roaring reward for all the sheer attempts in trying to drift to Slumberland, pretty much akin to pia-ing/coercing yourself to do smthg & finally succeeding in it. Supposedly to rejuvenate oneself. seem to have lost the art of getting to sleep. But its note-worthy that this art exercises some perturbing descretion. Well, apparently it reminds me that it is still alive & kicking when it comes to konking off during lessons. Pre-sleeping efforts probably sapped my energy more than what rejuvenation post-sleeping can possible revive.

But..according to Newton's-dunno-which-blardy-law.. says that energy is neither created nor lost. energy cant be sapped. that's scienci-fically incorrect. Getting to sleep then, must be transferring kinetic energy from flipping like one satay on bed, to potential energy, as in lying there like one dead corpse. watever, I'm sprouting science. am i possessed or wat?

At least sleep serves its purpose dutifully--knocking you unconsciousness, sink into a temporal mental stasis, or simply to concuss & lie a few peaceful hours in a comatic state. I'm not trying to gain sympathy here, (i'm sure everyone has their fair share of down times) just in a frail attempt to verbalize the irrational thoughts that are running amok in my mind. oh well, in desperate moments people grab on anything in sight. Some people, apparently, like yours truly, hang onto their blog.

Call it attention deficiency disorder. Despite being in this in the zone-y (ha, britney?!) mood, i noticed a funny grp of squiggly ants clamouring up my can drink.

picture this:

ant1: yo! check this out! its fatty coke! with 7 spoonfuls of sugar! yeah baby..yeah (in austin powers-like manner)

ant2: heh heh..whack me! am i hallucinating?!

ant3: you dodo. we are so getting a sugar high!

ant1: shuddup already you arse-holic ants! move it!

ant2: hee..im so on my way to a big wobbly sugar-coated ass.!

ants (chorusing in some herd instinctive manner)
: we lurve big assesss!!

like what for? They're so going to feel cheated. Dun they realise that its coke light, no sugar, less than one calorie?! Nvm, obviously they dun. Coz ants dun read letters from outside the coke can, nor can they feel the letters using their ant-annae, even if they do learn braille -_- **eyeball stuck to de ceiling** Maybe we are no less myopic than the ants. Do we have any sense where all this, is leading to? probably the saccharine sweetness that we clamour for, may turn out to be like the the mild patronising "sweetness" of coke light. Which is 100% ARTIFICIAL, by the way. quite frankly, THAT is the sobbering truth, denying it doesn't make life a whole lot better, but makes the realisation a whole lot worse. Man, i shant delve into all the philosophical shit. Its totally baseless.

I'm harbouring the delirious desire of something(anything) to teleport me to another place, just for a while. Maybe to the paradise i've conjured in my bubbly airhead in those bouts of foggy day-dreaming. Well, there is some plausible correlation between the grumpiness and the lack of vitamin D. So now i know why, & thereby proclaim that the lack of sun-tanning has turned me into this sobby sour prune of a basketcase. This must be it.

Mama Moolah~

Timecheck 17 jan, 4.40am. This is totally insane. Bedtime takes on a whole new meaning. Just slept at 8am yesterday. Soon after some time i guess i'll probably sleep at noon or smthg liddat. oh well..I was doing some self-reflection and thinking of ways of how to improve my studying time allocation. Hmm..drew a mini timetable lookin pretty gd i must say! okies., enuf of boring talk. Now is a state of mental peace and boy does it feel good to be in perfect control.

I realised something which kinda pooped me out a wee bit. I'm starting to adore babies. Is it the maternal instincts kicking in or wat? Weird, last time i thought babies were like bawling baboons. Especially when they shrill. Oh man..u can totally be electrocated by that. Now i see babies..awww..i actually want one. The other day i was with my friend at Zara. Guessed what i found myself taking the escalator to the kids corner to look at toddler wear. Well, despite the hyena-like screams, and the greenish watery poop. Babies are cute (in general). This simply goes to show that as you grow up, perceptions of certain stuff change.

so during church yesterday, i was talking to a group of primary 6 girls. Pretty interesting i must say. Kids are cute, no doubts about that. The questions they ask..man! So 1 of the girls, asked me why the shells of tortoises become soft when they die. umm...i'm not ninja turtle so i dun know. & there was this discussion topic, talking about purity, how sex is sanctioned by God thru marriage. i said just that. they told me i was disgusting. yep, followed by a chorus of "eeesss". **raise eyebrow** Then i said, ya..your mummy and daddy had sex so u are here, you have to realise that. i mean delusional tales of stocks dropping babies from the sky only exist in Ipanema lalala. there's nothing dirty or sleazy about sex in the right context. But i kinda din phrase my sentence properly. I told them, "you ALL are sex products". come to think of it, that must be way too hard to swallow for p6 kids. Somehow that remark created some big moolah. Hey but its not like i talked bout sex for no reason or for a horny whim on my part. It was the discussion topic! So now, im keeping my fingers crossed that they dun go around and distort what i said.

oh ya wx.. wheres bobo??

As if

This is the epitome of sheer insanity. Okie seriously not thinking coherently right now. U noe wat i think i'm the greatest big arse pretender. Pretend that everything is so dam right, so dam happy, so dam fine. But its so dam wrong. Today absolutely killed me. Pardon me from being kinda vague because i really dunno how to deal with this emotion. Oh man..what's going wrong? Maybe i should be blind to everything that's happening around, and continue the great pretense that everything is fine. Im seriously tired! Feelings spinning outta control is what i abhore totally. feel as though i'm enslaved to my own fluctuating emotions, trapped, getting really claustrophobic. This sucks. Whatever the Earth sucks to the core so that we wont fall off its surface. mebbe its meant to sux big time.

Why is it so near yet so dam far. The metaphorical gulf is perpetually framed by this veil where i can never cross. This veil is one the other hand probably a whole lot construed by myself. So i watch from a distance and go "oh well" and shrug it off. If only feelings could be shrugged off as casually as such. I just feel like confronting the whole issue and ask "do u know??"....bet u never did and you never will. Coz i will continue to deny and pretend...just like i always did...as if everything was so dam right. Wish to communicate feelings without any words, just to convey it in its purest virginal form. but if emotions could ever be penned down it words, how cheap is that. I'm just immersed in my world of the naive, and i refuse to wake up.

Revelling in self-indulgence

Oh well, it's early in the morning few hell hours more to school and i'm actually blogging. What the heck. It doesn't matters anyways cause I'm really used to going to school in that half-dazed, half-not there kinda mental frame. Maybe going to school was a whole dream by itself. Nonetheless, I'm feelin happy, woohoo~, new lappie. All's good, except the fact that it only has like 6 songs in it now. So the songs are basically on repeat mode. Anyways, one of my new year's resolution is to stop making myself upset for no reason. It kinda makes no sense cause everyday there are enough frustrations by itself without the self-created ones. That means no more crying at night or feelin sappy. i'm gonna banish all the feel-sad days, and not add any more to the sob list. One friend once said that no one has the right to make you feel unhappy, and if they do, it's simply because you endorsed that feeling. says it all man...

Friends in uni have been a rocking cute bunch, now that our real-life friendster network is kinda expanding, so are the days where we are planning to go out. I never imagined that one marketing project would actually bring us this close. Seems like there's activities slated this thurs and fri, and some back-to-school party at weixiong/ernest's hostel. Hmm..celebrating what i'm not too sure. Sheane wants to go selegie to eat dou-huey. Faye's organising a night out of talking and playing board-games. Hahahaz, epitome of total decadence.

Man! I've got this weird dream last night. So it was this empty field, and this particular guy standing there, whose identity shall remain unknown for now. In the dream, he's pretty buffed up though in reality...ya u get the drift. Okie so for that split second, I was mebbe a wee bit blown off. Then he was wearing that kinda dirt bike racing gloves. So i went up to him said "you are such a poser", ran off, that's it dream ended. Hahaz, I dun even know wat that means.

Anyways, thats not important. i've pretty much come to the conclusion that most guys in general are quite hard to figure out. And now i can't help grinning and sniggering at smthg. Okie gurls..haven u all realised that in the word UGLY, spells GUY too. Hahahaz, and the L?? L for love? my foot. three out of four letters, u don't call that PURE coincidence right? hmm..so maybe this word was invented by some hard-core feminist. So feminism has already firmly established it's roots like eons ago. hahaz, guys..dun whack me!

Just to give thanks nothing else

I take back all the whiny complaints made in the previous entry about maths. Life itself is a blessing, there's no need to look upon it with much cynicism. Frankly, after i've thought through about it, not only is there absolutely nothing to complain about but in fact i've really gotta give thanks for everything that is present now. It is extremely disturbing and heart-wrenching to see videos after videos of survivors of the tsunami scour thru all the debris in sheer desperation to find something they may need. That really put me into persceptive as to how blessed Singapore is. All my complaints are so ridiculously trivial.

My heart really goes out to every family who has lost a family member or a friend, or anyone that they hold dear. I've no clue as to how devastating it must have felt, but the mere thought of losing my family can already bring me to tears. Reality is surely a whole lot more devastating. Except empathatizing and donating it seems like the help can only reach so far. Frankly. there's a myriad of emotions going through my mind now, queasiness is one of them. As for the others, im at a loss of how to verbalize it.Hopefully, people who lost loved ones in this disaster can take comfort in the fact that others around feel for their loss.

This goes to show the fragility of life and the powerful force of Nature that man is subservient to.
"The Earth is the Lord's, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it" Psalm 24:1

stats in the city

This is great. ** stab me in the eye puhlease** First official day in school, im feeling happy. woo~ Not the deliriously ecstatic form, but a more subdued one. Satisfied it is. This sounds remotely sadistic, coming out of mouth. Oh well, the only rain on my parade would have to be the rain literally, which resulted in squishy shoes. There were 2 lectures today, man! The boredom was wretchedly insidious. All the bad karma accumulated must have metamophosized and returned in the form of some evil maths formula. Just like the seed of Chucky albeit with a more potent vengeance. much as i wish to proclaim stoic acceptance in the face of de puke-inducing maths modules, im sorry it just wouldn't do. My tolerance to math is virtually zilch. So im just gonna wine and dine (whine and die) this whole semester about the absolute insanity of maths. First, Stats. The lecture was filled with a truckload of mathsy stuff, starting all the way from the summation sign. gag me. I do have a pathological fear for maths, & an intense mutual hate going on between us. yup, you get the drift. Finally, some doubts were cleared. so histograms has nothing whatsoever to do with history. okie, point taken. Next was OB. Hmm..this is really distracting coz of the uncanny resemblance to BO, which kinda gives me the impression that the subject stinks even before i've got any clue about it. So i'm thinking wet smelly foot cum bacteria infested armpits. talk about Aroma theraphy. right..armpits..the only pits you cant fall into. never mind. okie, i shan't complain so much that's my new yr resolution by the way. Just did it. Just broke it. Just heck it.

okie an uneventful beginning of a fresh school term. Itz amazing that u can actually get tired from being in a perpetual mental comatic state.I'm still so into the Girl from Ipanema, as well as relishing in absolute lunacy at the way Ipanema sounds. cant help waxing lyrical about it. So apparently this is bossa nova, totally digging it right now. in the same way where maths is digging my grave. Its ro-ro-romantic, it only gets sappy and sappier, and u-get-wat-i-mean. (Mean is also the summation of x divide by n). Not the kind u listen and makes you wanna bawl ur guts out, but juz makes u feel la-la-la. sweeeet.

so, the horoscopes say that Librians are decadent, self-indulgent, and they enjoy some engaging mental and physical stimulation. Fantastic, that is so flattering. **eyeballs stuck to the ceiling** all the weird stuff in one breath. I was never quite a staunch believer of the astrological signs, despite the art-fart nature. Nothin quite so logical bout that, especially the fortune tellers that dabble with astrology never fails to include parrots. my impression of astrology is somewat cliche. one indian fortune teller with a deck of cards and one hopping green parrot. Parrots can never be trusted to predict the stars. They kinda juz repeat stuff. I dun like parrots. Once a parrot called me stupid again and again in chinese (3rd word in its vocab besides hello and bye bye), and i kinda tried to distract it but it juz rambled on. so de parrot by calling me stupid, hit one raw nerve with a stinging smack. funny how i actually am bothered bout wat a bird-brain says. That's it! i'll pluck out all ur green feathers, weave it into a feather boa, and give it to the mamasan along joo chiat road as a belated xmas prezzie. ahh..no..tt's so evil. funny why all the indecency/lasciviousness/horniness/wanton seems to be a feature of Librians. Esp the physical stimulation part. REEEdiculous! self-indulgent maybe.

today de OB lecturer said smthg that tweaked my interest a wee bit. She was saying tt at some point of our life, we should be questioning our existence. yep, and so everybody who starts questioning will no doubt stand up and leave. today was really a long one, after school was a church meeting that ended at close to 11. The church was looking at a combined youth service, sounds really interesting but we really gotta play by ear. One question was the cohesion between the youth from the 3 congregations. It is no secret that dere were really some deep-seated misunderstandings in the past. Im juz praying this would not caused strained relations when we meet.

so dere's really no exciting boo boo happening right now...sigh..so seriously, if u were expecting some jokes. u must be seriously joking.

passing thots

okie dere was this question that kinda thrown me off guard and i was stumped. ya, apparently was shot down with this statement. "so if you are writing a blog, you actually want pple to see it, itz sort of like a call of attention" Never mind, those are blog detractors, or so i say to placate that nagging unease inside. Nonetheless, nagging has this echoic effect that never ceases to end so quickly. I guess tt statement kinda insinuates smthg negative, but im not gonna dig any further. Everyone is fully entitled to their own opinion. In all honesty, it doesn't matter to me if others read my blog or not. itz a place to mental detox, & to draw tighter to my closest friends. Granted that many stuff inside are not substantial enough, and it isn't exactly a perfect display of intellect. sometimes i kinda talk like a brain amputee, but de emotional barriers feels like it has been let down a little coz u get to take a peek of de innermost thoughts of ur friends. Figured that tis is a virtual avenue to maintain real relations that's de way i would like the blog to be. the thought of that is really comforting enough, at least for this emotional basketcase. Maybe itz what that has been happening around tt gives me this impetus, nudging me to keep friends a lil closer, instead of always sitting in the spot of passivity. maybe itz de sappy bed bugs tt bit me real hard that i woke up feelin a lil whoozy headed. mebbe itz the mixed long island tea plus margarita strawberry..hahaz.

so much for all that. it feels so relaxing now. not that i dunno this feelin, rest assured tt im pretty well acquainted with this word "relax". the Girl From Ipanema is playing on my comp, & it feels dam romantic. okie im nuts, romantising with myself and the girl from ipanema. see, if u were to say Ipanema super fast it kinda sounds like one hokkien expletive. sheesh..oh my forgot to put the song on repeatt mode and it jumped to tt Shake Ur Tail Feather song. so much for the anti-climax. okie..where am i..oh ya. sappy..i cant believe juz messaged sabai and told her i missed her. which i truly meant it. man, come to think of it i really feel guilty for taking her for granted, after getting used to her being around for 7 yrs. okie, perhaps i have a vested interest in writing this blog. hmm..actually itz to tell all my closest pals tt im really sorry for taking u all for granted. i noe i did, period. good example of that would be not meeting up frequently. yes..for this i need to thank my cutesy peiyu, for telling me. if not, probably be living in the shadows..(hahahz,,no link to the Rasmus tho).

yep tis goes out to all my closest pals. everyone single one of you. IPANEMA! **wave**