I'm at peace. Must have been QY's inner peace that has rubbed off me. It has been a long time since this feeling has descended. The ease of just letting go of certain things which is futile to control. After talking to QY on the phone, brought so much new perspectives. I really value her opinions. Frank honest clean-cut. No bulls**ts in between, and no moddle coddling. This is to regurgitate my point that talk is cheap. Sometimes, find myself guilty of saying things, then later reflecting upon it and think, "oh my i'm such a suck ass geezer." I dun actually meant what ive said to that degree. So, its a conscious effort not to say too much bulls**ts like going into the superlatives when the feeling isn't just as intense. In other words, making words a best reflection of reality. Just upfront in-ur-face kind. It feels good to lower the cold facade. I guess friendship exists in a form of caste-system. There are the acquaitances first, followed by the people you converse with, then people whom you care about enough to make you wanna do things for them, then friends whom you say abit of ur problems here and there but still kinda vague. Lastly, the most treasure one are friends whom you totally let ur guard down, and fess up with all the insecurities.


I really dun suppose QY will be reading this but i really mean it, thanks.


So im launching into some semblance of a rhetoric. But oh well, im actually fine with it. There was one passing thought that buggered me up a little bit. Fact is I dun exactly feel like taking the effort to make a particular person, A, happy. I've got a small love circle, anyways, dun feel close to the person nor do i feel the least obliged to do anything. Couldn't be bothered.. Ah..so can someone enlighten me on what should i actually do from here? Conclusion is I'm still not gonna bother myself with it. Reason being there is no feeling behind the action, i figured going about the act of a form of concerned is overbearing. Actions without feelings are hollow. Just as all the talk about i-actually-wanted-to-do-this-for-you-but-then-i-thought-you-wont-like-it . Plain excuses. The underlining statement is sorry-you-arent-that-impt. It's really okay because nobody should feel obligated to do anything. Maybe I'm just trying to justify myself, of my apparent lack of concern.


So I've digressed a fair bit. QY is a picture of serenity. Absolutely admirable. Her frame of ease is what I've been searching but for yet some reason unknown, cant seem to find it. I had almost wanted to cry on the phone whilst still talking to her. Just told her about everything, without the usual elusiveness about somethings bothering but I dunno what that is. Saying that it feels good talking to her is such a major understatement. There's this quality about her, that is so warm. To put that in plain cliche, would be..as warm as the rays of the morning sun. Urgh..**rolls eyes**. But i really cant bring myself to lower my guard easily. Hence, frivolity at times is the best form of camoflage.


QY is a friend from rv. We din click during the rv days ironically, despite being in the same class and cca. However, fate decides to turn her pretty face on us during the jc times at SA. As usual, plain ol' goody fun, with an ostentious overload of crappy musings. But that was all it needed to propell the friendship up the ranks of frivolity and it took on a more serious, yet more personal tone. She is very trusting towards others, so i was allowed to enter her world. After school days were spent cycling around her estate, or at times, hopping over to Janelle's house to ka-chiao Leftie-the-dog-who-scratched-the-kois-in-the-pond. Simple joys of life shared through our stuffed crust pizzas and hell-devil racings on the bike. Sweet. It is really something i think back and it brings up a silly grin. Thus, talking to QY made me feel so much closer to her once again. Despite the lapse of time whereby we lost touch for awhile, im so glad this friendship moved up a notch. Would think that the best form of friendships really needs to be nurtured through time.

The onset of midnight never fails to put me in this pensive mood, crouching like a sleuth waiting to rob my sanity as the minute and hour hand of the clock tweaks closer to meet at 12. Thoughts just starts swirling like some vortex that sucks me in involuntarily, and plague my deepest recesses, while i contend to try to make sense of it. Most of the time, like now, it's just a vague and random unease of what the upcoming commitments, tasks at hand, and as usual, the same issues that i haven yet come to grasp the totality of it. So they continue to exist as fragmented thoughts, that i cant rein in. It used to be bouts of teenage angst about why things are like that, then trying to attach reasoning to that. As much as things do happen for a reason, i've come to terms with the fact that sometimes the reason of it happening is no reason at all. Now, apparently nearing the dusk of teenage-hood, i cant point a finger towards the direction of random teenage angst being the causal link to these free-floating thoughts. Hence, for lack of a better word, i shall call it a quarter-life crisis.


Being in a more comtemplative frame of mind, i can safely say that the constant feeling of a yawning chasm within is due to a lack of a focus in life. Pastor Goh was saying somewhere along the lines that if you lose you end in mind, there is an inherent tendency to grope your way around and totally miss the reason that started you off in the first place. That only happens when people drift away from God. So lacking of the faith and trust in him, which results in being lost in the spiritual maze. Somehow, the notion of existentialism came back to me. I don't exactly feel that im living so to speak, but more often than not, existing. Just like in the play, Harold Pinter's The Caretaker, the protanganists are trapped within their small world, dallying with the nitty gritties, with no focus. Merely existing. This is not good at all.


There is always this recurring thing that happens to me. Its pretty warped. How should i put it..its like when i'm say, with a bunch of friends, laughing and talking, i can see myself as in this whole situation as an impassive third party. Which is pretty mind-boggling because physically engaged in the conversation, but mentally im drifting off. Frankly speaking, nobody has thawed this cold wall of resistence, and i don't think others totally bare their souls either. Fair enough. But again, you really hafta consider the sanctity of emotions. Some thoughts cannot be replicated into words or expressions, whatever. Talk is cheap. If words can replace emotions, it isn't santified anymore. They are solely attached to the individual alone. That's the futility of words. You can talk, you can converse, you can share your thoughts. But words don't make your knowledge of the person any deeper.


That is the weird cynic peeking from the elusive somewhere.


Other times, its far too draining to think of these thoughts, where there is simply no end. So probably existing is better. There are no abrupt random thoughts to throw you off tangent and send emotions on a tailspin. I've no idea where this entry is heading too, so again sometimes no reason is the reason. That isn't the most intelligent way of drawing a conclusion to things. But oh well, gotta trugde back to biological existentialism and structural functionalism-- albeit with great reluctance, and somehow coax myself into getting some tutorials done.

Today there was this acct test which i totally screwed up to say the least. Sigh, I'm gonna get my act together and start rearranging schedules, be more proactive. Sigh, just learnt from my dad that mum's going for a buisness trip to viet tomorrow. For how long i dunno. I wish she can like dun go, but ya its impossible. My parents have been trying to push away buisness trips so as to spend more time with us. Sometimes cant be helped. Oh well, I can see that mum's pretty stressed up at work lately, she has been flying to KL and back quite often, on those one day meeting trips. Dun even see her much lately. And now is 8pm, she's still blardy stuck at her office probably on some meeting marathon. Seriously, they should cut my mum some slack. Make her so busy and now because of some business trip, she's gonna be more stressed out. Gee..it really sucks that i cant like reduce her trips nor her workload. There was this once this stupid person had to call my mum during CNY and ask her what to do bout some stuff. Hello! she's not obliged to work on cny, and its like every single thing they hafta call my mum. cant even make up their own mind on small things. okie..im really pissed abt the viet trip, the whole last minute arrangement. the previous trip to japan was 3 wks. Really hope this is not gonna be one of those trips.. bleah

Hi all you cutie bum bums..happy vday~!  

Need i say more? =) 

with couzzies at uncle's place.. 

tHis pic is from long long time ago..taken during a potluck at laishan's place during sept last yr. So before that we met at cityhall mrt, then i went with xiu and russ to chinatown to buy...eh..buy..oh! buy carrot cake..it was super fun! REALLY! i miss xiu, bin, and lilly de most..and not forgetting laishan's pink cheeks and russel's rubber lips..hahaz..so after that went out with russ and lai to cine..bummed ard till 3am. Just great meeting old friends =)

Eh..since im uploading pics..this monkey loooks so dam cute i gotta put it up! 

This is my best friend...hahaz..she has NO idea that i have this pic! but still! I got it! Sabai's been such a wonderful friend to have..recently feel that we have gotten so much closer and it feels great. She empowers me and plant exciting ideas in my head, which is absolutely hilarious. like the mrt incident! **snigger** Anyways, from climbing roofs in sce2, to ponning classes in sec3-4, now we do normal stuff. like shopping =). So this year is the 7th yr we've known each other..super long..hope sabai doesn't go back to myammar or smthg like that..sob..coz her ic is still blue.love this bimb to bits!

my BIG extended family..no idea why the pic is sooo black? 

as promised! chicken poseurs! 

The dawn of dusk sets upon
Behold the quixotic quality of its dew
Frolicking in the realms of ambiguity.


Emotions safely encapsulated in a hourglass.
Sanctified it is
Pure and virginal it remains, trickling pass.


Alas! Trapped between its vacuous void!
Crying for a semblance between the meeting of souls
Never will it correspond


Etched in detachment
Two remains two
Without an chorus of singularity


I bemoan the stark reality


Emotions foaming beneath the recesses of the soul
Threatening to erupt
Threatening to defy


When will it all come to?


A gayous facade masks the wretchedness within
Always will it be near, forever will it be far
Against all odds, battered is the sole outcome


The soul continues to scour
First in wonder, second in awe
Lost in its own translation


The solitude soul now sneaks a peek
Then swiftly absconds to its excellent elusiveness
The vacuous veneer, always its faithful fortress


A divided disposition at odds in its stiffling shield

Young girl, don't cryI'll be right here when your world starts to fall Young girl, it's all right Your tears will dry, you'll soon be free to fly
When you're safe inside your room you tend to dream Of a place where nothing's harder than it seems No one ever wants or bothers to explain Of the heartache life can bring and what it means
When there's no one else Look inside yourself Like your oldest friendJust trust the voice within Then you'll find the strength That will guide your wayIf you will learn to begin To trust the voice within
Young girl, don't hide You'll never change if you just run away Young girl, just hold tight And soon you're gonna see your brighter day
Now in a world where innocence is quickly claimed It's so hard to stand your ground when you're so afraid No one reaches out a hand for you to holdWhen you're lost outside look inside to your soul
When there's no one else Look inside yourself Like your oldest friend Just trust the voice withinThen you'll find the strengthThat will guide your wayIf you will learn to begin To trust the voice within
Yeah...Life is a journey It can take you anywhere you choose to go As long as you're learningYou'll find all you'll ever need to know
You'll make it You'll make itJust don't go forsaking yourself No one can stop you You know that I'm talking to you
When there's no one else Look inside yourself Like your oldest friend Just trust the voice within Then you'll find the strength That will guide your wayIf you will learn to begin To trust the voice within
Young girl don't cry I'll be right here when your world starts to fall

This lyrics really strikes right at my heart with such potency, i kinda cringe when christina was singing it, goosebumps and all..

recollections

today feels a little numb, as always. The accounting presentation was a-okay, until the question and answer session. Coz i always have the tendency to stone when others are presenting, so i pretty much assumed that everyone will do the same. Hah! so not true. That's it man..my tutorial classmates were so alive during the session. I was like standing down there like one bloody klutz, coz i din know how to answer their incessant bombings. so the first question went like this.."do you mind explaining how does the stakeholders benefit from the financial leverage ratio?" WTF was the first thing that came to mind. so i was the one tt mentioned financial leverage ratio then. haizz..never mind. if u cant convince them, confuse them. **beem** and that was the lousy tactic i used, trying to smoke my way through. Man, i was kinda sniggering inside when i saw some puzzled faces. Haizz..im weird i know. Aniwaes, luckily my project mate came to my rescue..hahaz, and therefore saved me from the continuing my act of the blabbering baboon.

oh well, ramblings aside. today i did smthg that i never did for a long while..i ran 17.6km on the treadmill inclined 8.0%. woo~feel so powerful now. And it feels great, immense satisfaction. hmm..and so besides that nothing really happened.

oh ya, i got a message from my friend in rvhs, where he was my classmate for 4 yrs. Funny thing is that i never really talked to him properly till now. Such a pity. 4 yrs, but no contact. Anyways, i'm just glad that i haven lost a friend, cause what he says really gives me a different perspective towards things. I'm a wee bit surprised at the pre-conceived notions he told me that he had on me. Ermm, he thought that i lost weight during jc through clubbing. sigh..was kinda perturbed by that remark. but this din come across as shocking because i was rowdy and damn mean in sec school. Like kena aimed by discipline mistress, super bitchy and..haizz..thats enough. So its understandable to have the pre-conceived notions. I think he's being very nice by sparing me the embarrassing details. Actually, secrets that i used to tell a particular close friend was like leaked out like nobody's business. feel kinda hurt. i mean, i din explicitly said that those where secrets, but its obvious isn't it? haizz, apparently she repeated it many times, in front of many different groups of people. But im not angry or what. Coz if i've got no dirty secrets, then theres nothing to say. okie..i dun wanna like say anymore, cause she's still a very unique friend i've met. And its far too petty to jeopadize friendships over things that have long passed.