Pretty mad at self at how i wasted much time worrying about useless petty stuff, doing random things..when time could be better spent. And it is startling to think back and wonder why in the world did i think that was important. It is not THAT important. Every step gets tougher from here forth. Today was Praise and Worship with auntie Catherine and Bev (other one :D) as song leaders, with Eddy's bro at the guitar together with Swee Sian, plus Lydia on the clavinova. It was stingingly touching. The songs just hit on every pore, and arises the goosepimples, and well..maybe it did teased a couple of tear ducts too. At that point, it reconfirmed my Belief in Him and that no matter what, i will keep my eyes on Him. It might be too idealistic for a human whose behaviour and thoughts can be random at times, to proclaim Love to God. Really. What right do i have to talk to Him about Love. But in my frog-in-well understanding of Love, i said a silent prayer with the eyes struggling to contain those water-from-the-eye...I love you Lord...according to how i think Love is supposed to be. Actually as i'm quite apprehensive whilst typing this. Acute Apprehension directed towards myself about how can i really be a person that glorifies His name. I think THAT is the one of the fearful thing to step out and say, "I'm a follower of Christ and I love Him." Because in general people have higher expectations on how a Christian should conduct himself and i am so, (can i reiterate again) sooo far from that. As it is i am not good at guarding my mouth. And spew vulgarites from time to time. And if the heart is representative of what the mouth speaks, then i really have a long way to go.
It is not easy at all to tell someone else what is it that you are thinking. Verbal communication i suppose, is good at putting facts across, but pretty futile at conveying thoughts/emotions. And when the topic of religion is broached...ah its always the "religious harmony" card that sets to trump the "i-have-an-opinion" card, always. According to civil standards, we should accept all religions because they are a way of life. Something like.."oh you like the Atkins diet, and i like the Grapefruit diet..but its ok..we like our own diets, but anyways, yeah your diet is pretty cool too!" Which i really dont agree. Due to the inherent fear of upstaging social equilibriums, i keep my mouth shut. But it for sure doesnt mean consent. I just dont know how to put it tactfully across.
One of the MOST ironic situation that occured was during a mission trip, i received a sms asking me if i wanted to accompany a friend to a Soka association concert. VERY disturbing, someone was trying to convert me. It couldnt be more strange amidst the backdrop of a church. Well, if this scene entire was acted in mime, maybe i can see the facetious side to it. But back there and then, it was more like black humour.
So i always bargain with Him. "Can i bring friends to church only after i sort myself out and be a better person? Please? :D"
With regards to the sms in question. A wry smile crept up and i hit on the delete button. As usual, the "i-have-no-opinion' card. No voice of dissent, no opinion, no nothing. But i don't know how to put my stand across. Pretty vexed out.
Thats a squidgy behaviour for you. Which really calls for a need to grow a backbone. Or maybe the human Love really does not suffice.
