Brain, juice-d

Honesty, the best policy? Doesn't apply in all situations, if not there wouldn't be a white lie as such. White lies either to self, or to else, does a lot to assuage one's sorry state of equilibrium. Call it the easier way out, or masturbating one's ego, whatever it is, it is sure an easy way out. Given an unpleasant realisation where nothing much can be done, living it up in the state of denial, helps. Well, at least i think so.


Gee, how am i supposed to come frank with it, i jolly well have no clue. All those negavity, seems that prayers cant put a kibosh on that. Utter damnation to this irritable spot. Issues that takes on a physical form is easier to tackle. Say, things on the "to-do list". Do it, and then strike it off. It's quite straight-forward. Issues that chews on the inside are regurgitative and harder to nip in the bud. This kind issues sticks deep inside, prolly akin to the emo white elephant. You want to chase it out, but yet chasing it out would mean taking part of your self knowledge away.


Thank goodness God is all-knowing. It makes prayers all the more easier. Times where i use my human brain to try fathom how in the world does God manages to listen to so many prayers in one moment. Times where the prayers all begin with constant bombardments of "whys". Times where the prayers are aimless. Times where i convince myself of the need to have faith, and at the next moment, start to get very impatient.


Well, the first step to get all bitter and angry is to compare situations between yourself and somebody else. Very well, that may be a one-sided argument. The comparisons are often made with the very thing that gets me fuming, with the very thing that gets me really envious of. So it pretty much self-perpetuates in that negative manner. But then again, if you were to sit back and think awhile longer, life for others may not be as rosy it seems. Bottomline is that everyone has their own set of problems to deal with. Some have higher threshold of that, or they deal with problems far more effeciently than others.


How sickening it gets. I positively do not think that things are that bad, if i were to think them through, rationally. But, there is the inate tendency to go on a emotional overdrive. To perceive a greater emotional turmoil than there really is. This word turmoil, really does sound like one numpty numbnut here. Daily living can somtetimes resemble a washing machine in spin mode. Some form of stability would be good, for it sure feels a tad bit dizzy.


At the end of the day, all those playful jibes, all the laughing, all the activities...when you sit alone at night and think..what's the point. Suddenly, it really does seem pretty pointless, cause nothing sticks with the memory. How sad it is when memories start to resemble a tape on the rewind. Where you remember events, not feelings, remember actions not behaviours. It is just the construct of the brain, to start forgetting, the very moment you wish to sponge it in memorylane. Times like this...where the defeatist mantra.."whats the point of it?", starts to gain some serious rapidity in the brain.


No way is this going to be a senseless bish-bashing of the inside. I honestly believe there is a greater good coming from all this mess, and the key to getting it right, is learning how to sort it out. Cue one big happy smile.

Ants in Pants

So well, how does it feel to be in desperate need for a blue-topped cab? To be a permanent cab-flagging fixture on the pavement aisle? To be flagging any cabs in sight, blue-topped ones, on-call ones, hired ones, just anything in sight? This is it. Utter desperation or sheer frustration, i don't know which. What i do know is this purpled vein frustration will be a feeling that will get more familiar as time goes by. So, might as well get better acquainted with it.


On another note, i met with a ridiculous situation. I don't wish to add my subjective two cents worth, but still, fat flopping lips couldn't resist adding. It reminded me of a stale channel8 drama scene, where people make mountains out of molespecks and get all dramatic. But reckon it must be because life is too boring, and so, creating some whoopalah is better than nothing. Well, the net feeling from watching the scene entire, consists of a raised eyebrow and a constipated tummy. Bah..it is just plain ridiculous, and at the same time plain interesting, cause it is just plain weird.


Ah..ok, thats about enough. Hmm, back to random flaggings. Well, if a 4dollar call cab can guarrantee you that the cab will come just for you, and if you have 4dollars in the purse to spare..why not? It is 4dollars to buy a certainty. Unfortunately, not everything in life can be bought with an advanced booking. So for all other things, just got to learn patience or how to deal with frustration. Not everyone is blessed with a cool temperament. For some, the word "wait" is enough to cause internal bleeding. And to wait, for an infinite amount of time really just takes the cake.

birthday posting

In an ideal situation, I suppose people in general would love to talk about their feelings, to let off some steam. But then again, you would probably have better luck looking for a random christmas gnome off Toa Payoh Avenue 1, then looking for DEE Ideal Situation. That explains why sometimes it is impossible to know somebody else, because somebody else doesnt wish for you to know. Shrugs.


So then again, it's reliving a virtual entrapment all over again. Haha..anyways, the word "entrapment" always conjures up images of a really sexy Catherine zeta jones, slithering under a mishmash of laser beams, with her bum just barely skimming it. I digressed. What i'm trying to say is that connection is hard to reach, but the benefits you reap from trying, is..well, very satisfying. Actually, i dont really know what i'm saying except that things are somewhere along the continuum of being boring yet intriguing yet really confusing!


At times i pray for situations to be made clearer to me, so i don't have to second guess myself and the second guess the situation. When this start to take on several possibilities, it gets me really frazzled cause i totally cannot make sense out of the wind. I wouldnt say that everything is as ambiguous as it seems, just the ability to sort things out is not in my lexicon. Anyways, when that happens, it really does take the basket from the basketcase, and i'll just shake my head, and go do something else. I was just wondering is it just me or do people get bouts of confusion at times?


This reminds me that i have not wished Wx a happy bday here.
Here goes..

Five-a-meeting
Yakked-a-plently
One year on the fly by
Finds us on the spot same-d plot
Food's as good as the company
How many candles on your cake?
That is 2 big, 3 small!
Happy birthday to you my friend!
Here's to many more happy years with hair on the head
..and i hope autumn doesnt come So soon on the crown.

heh heh!
HAPPY 23RD! ;)

A little time to contemplate

As the clouds gather and fall, their pristine distillate

Like faithful friends

The glorious cycle, the glorious irony

Will it in with tender captivity

Gather once again.

Believer

Being happy is the best gift to yourself. The endorphins seem to linger for a shorter while than the blues. I suspect blue mood is the default mode to be in. If there's no effort to work the happy bug, then it basically returns to default. But it is okay. If life is too easy peasy, then it wouldnt be fulfilling. So i accept the troughs as much as i would love to ride on the crest.


As i try to contend to ease myself out of those pesky Lilipudian ropes, i am trying to appreciate them, for their presence will make me more resilient to future problems once i overcome them. And they say that you are your worst enemy. Can't agree more. Got to weasel the devil from within, not easy. I think God gave me these issues so that i will be drawn closer to Him, learning that without Him i am really nothing. If not, conceit will take over, that pompous attitude that i am my own person, and who needs God when everything is fine? It is so true, when things are up, seldom do we give thanks to Him. The usual case of assuming credit for everything good that happens, and the "why-me" rhetoric when bad things happen. Bad things happen to everyone, we don't live in candy land. To expect to be happy all the time is just transparent nonsense. The next best thing is convincing the self that life can be happy, if you make it out to be.


Nobody wishes to have that vacuous void within. It is such a coccooned state to be in, hands tied behind your back, those listless lifeless moodless eyes that shifts without actually focusing on anything. When that sets in, it really does feel really alone. Like a social outcast of a fringe society. Well, the only difference is that you can see people walking around, But again, you can't really feel them even if it is a hair's breadth away. It tears at the edges of the being. And it is claustrophobic to be that hen-cooped. Hmm, words can only do so much. Mood buoyancy is not something another person can do to help. They throw the float, jolly well got to blow it up yourself for it to work. I pray for strength to blow the float, and strength to kick hard to reach the shore.



"I Can Do All Things in Him That Strengthens Me"
Philippians 4:13


Believe and have faith. The void will be no more.

Emotional fasting

The lack of action speaks more than the way action speaks! But really, a realisation crept to me this couple of days. Heard it before, but somehow when you arent in a certain frame of mind, some words just don't stick. Holding thoughts to changing situations just will not do. Accepting that God has the grand scheme in mind, something myopic eyes cant appreciate at this point.


The instinctive reaction to unpleasantries is the "why-me?!" retort. Why, because everyone has their own share of shit to wipe. Crying about the soiled bum does not change the status quo. Clean the mess, and push on! Another realisation is that sometimes unpleasant things happen because of disobedience. Es said something that stuck with me. That is, His love is unconditional, no doubt. But, blessings arent. Blessings come with obedience. Sometimes we don't realise how we run away and refuse to answer Him when He calls. I realised that disobedience may not be very conspicuous. In fact, the realisation may only come after recall. And ya, of course i was disobedient. Excuses to escape cell was one. Finally did attend today, but still. Blessings will not come if there is no faith too.


I really wish my thoughts were not so regurgitative. They work like a conveyorbelt system. Same thing goes round and round and round. It is so frustrating at times, but I'm sure this is within my control to curb it. What is needed is Strength to stay rooted, Faith to stay focused. And to treat people with love. This doesnt come naturally at all, since i am a judgemental person who sticks to stubborn thoughts once they are formed. I am praying for that genuine simplicity of the heart to want to be nice to another person. As i'm typing this, i wonder the possibility of it. Ironically, that is displaying a lack of faith.


Leeching emotions on another person is as stable as a riding the waves in cardboard. Emo things are like Lilliput ropes and voodoo pins that sticks like stubborn shit. You may even let off a loose smirk as you think..Gee..This thing? Get me down?? But hold, you really never know till it happens. Snub Sentimentality in the eye, we are just as good as our selective memories. aha! So this means less bothered and happier.



Take the trash out on a regular basis, some things just cannot be recycled.

Who wears the (smarty) pants?

Have always liked reading Sumiko Tan's weekly column, though it is rarely the happy-ecstatic prototype.Despite the initial cynism, it does give the impression of a jaded high-flyer seeking good in the little positivities in life. Something like the rainbow after the rain. This week her column had hit home, an issue which is central to the way our society is structured. She had illustrated its construct-- onioned layers of the social web where it seems to divided, subdivide, sectioned, splitted, therein reaching the bud of elitism. Well, the system works as such right. So much so that if you belong to this side of the social web per se, you don't really have much interaction with the other side. And in this case, this lack of interaction doesn't necessarily give birth to the classic theory of the-grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side. Instead, it is the perfect breeding ground of a bigoted mindset.

Like for example, a preference to want to know individuals belonging to a certain category, say the over-achieving intellects(yes, elitist!), or the farty dramatist, or only the members from the christian youth group. Everyone has their their right to a preference, but if this preference is enough for us to keep away a certain groupie not because they are bad, just because we don't like them, surely we are missing on some exposure.

Speaking about exposure, I suspect S'pore has this thing about putting the brains in the beauty, and then the summation of that two, in a bikini. Cause lately the papers has been hawking and trumpeting the glorious intellects of this year's Ms Singapore Universe finalists. Pretty they are of course. In fact, one of the contestent was my tutor from last semester, pretty interesting. Well, the thing is here on our sunny island, you better get an decent education or get your asses tanned. Even something you would think of as a superficial beauty pageant cannot escape the clutches of see-our-girls-have-got-degrees. Do they actually turned down girls whom they feel are not members of smartclub? Or that pretty girls are discerning enough not to sign up for the pageant unless they have a degree? Its warped really, cause in Real pageants they show the vital statistics of the girls in string bikinis but here they show statistics of the other kind, i dunno, lets try mensa average?? Anyways, they really shed new light to the word universe(-ity?) in this context. Suddenly the casting call for contestents will look like a something from the classifiedjobs. And thats the executive appointments mind you. =)

Of course, this aint enough. Elections are like a smidge bit away. The Straits has been running articles of late on the backgrounds of the political candidates. Then there is the necessary strutting of the academic showing. In a way, that is needed, cause impressive degrees are stand-alone accolades that speaks volumes by themselves. More credible i guess. It seems that everybody is getting so immensely educated. What good is a university degree when almost everyone i know will get one in a couple of years time. We are back on square one? So what now, go get a masters? We just up each other with every move we make!

This reminds me of the prisoner's dilemma from econs. Why not we just all stay at status quo. Cause you move i move everyone moves in the end all of us are worse off right? We waste money waste time trying to make human pyramids out of each other. Haha, i digressed aplentiful, when actually what i intended to say was that we have to make a conscious effort to not be racist (oops), sexists..et cetera. Argh..is this the case of the pot(belly) calling the kettle black? Just got to remove the nasty speck from my eye. Its pretty much enough the way the MOE has divided us into EM1's and 2's, and specialexpressnormal, jcpolyite, and what else...Just love the masses laa. =)

Got to go cram for exams. Cause nobody wants to go be my prisoner partner in Ntu, and i also don't want to be human tee-lam, not study and get a D for that.

Freddy my love!

Freddy My Love

This song is the sweetest. Freddy could do with a nicer name! It's from the Grease soundtrack..of long time ago..by Cindy Bullens if i'm not mistaken. =)


Freddy, My Love, I miss you more than words can say.

Freddy, My Love, please keep in touch while you`re away.

Hearing from you can make the day so much better,

Getting a souvenir or maybe a letter.

I really flipped over the grey cashmere sweater,

Freddy, My Love. (Freddy, My Love, Freddy, My Love, Freddy, My Love)

Freddy, you know your absence makes me feel so blue (so-o-oblue)

That`s okay though, your presents make me think of you (surethey do)

My Ma will have a heart attack when she catches

Those pedal pushers with the black leather patches,

Oh how I wish I had a jacket that matches,

Freddy, My Love. (Freddy, My Love, Freddy, My Love, Freddy, My Love)

Don`t keep your letter from me, I thrill to every line.

Your spelling`s kinda crummy, But, hunny, so is mine.

I treasure every giftie,

The ring is really nifty

You say it cost you fifty,

So you`re thrifty, I don`t mind. (wo-oh-oh-oh)

Freddy, you`ll see,

You`ll hold me in your arms someday (Freddy, My Love)

And I will be Wearing your lacy lingerie, (Freddy, I`m yours, oh yeah)

Thinking about it, my heart`s pounding already (uh huh),

Knowing when you come home we`re bound to go steady

And throw your service pay `round like confetti,

Freddy, My Love.Freddy, My Love, Freddy, My Love, Freddy, My Love.Freddy, My Love, Freddy, My Love, Freddy, My Love.Freddy, My Love, Freddy, My Love, Freddy, My Love.(Ooh-woo-ooh-ooh-wah)

Freddy, My Love!


Who is Freddy btw?? Have no clue who she's singing to..whatever there is beauty in the simplicity of the lyrics. Love the way the song rhymes every two lines, though the rhyme sounds a tad bit stretching it.. aahh..especially the leh-seeey loourn-jAa-raayy. And the oohs-and-aaahs-and-shoobeedoos at the end of each line is pretty cute. haha..old-schooled singing? =)

This song is diabetic-inducing!! LOVE it.

dog who saved the day

A moment ago i was seething, cause i apologised for something which is not even my fault. The unhappiness is directed towards self, not to someone else. You see, if someone is late in passing the work to me, and i need the work before i can add on my part, naturally both of us would be late? And i was waiting for the work, not snoring in bed. Said sorry to my project mate which made me really disgusted with myself. Its Murphy's Law recurring, all in one day. And during lunch i specifically said no chilli to the uncle and he not only added chilli but also had to chid me on making my orders unclear. Huh??


Plus yesterday. I apologized for not going to cell. When the apology should be to God. Gosh..and and..didn't even mean to ignore your message, my dear friend...the phone wasnt with me. Thats why. I am saying a truckload of sorries of which some are really out of my control?


The one happy thing is that i stumbled upon a hairless white dog today. It was really cute but it has a wimpy attitude. Inched one step to try to touch it, it trots back 3 steps. But the dog has the most GOR-geous eyes. Its turquoise and it has no dogtag...how can it be?? Pretty small, short legs and all, but cute nonetheless. No clue as to what breed is it, just that dog-with-the-nice-eyes. Made the day a little better though, thanks to random dog with no name.

confused

Today, Josephine made a remark to me at church. She asked me why the absence from cell the night before. In fact, i have been absent-ing myself more often than this once, this year. Anyways, i could sense her displeasure,and was quite taken aback. Its a mashed up feeling. For one, i still don't feel like attending cell because i dont wish to be asked why i have not been attending cell regularly. So it pretty much self-perpetuates in that way. At this point of time, i cant appreciate the purpose of cell. Not that it is purposeless. It is purposeful if there is trust and connection binding every single person and everyone shares at that same level, and takes effort to let others in to the issues they are facing. Then there is spiritual support that a brother or sister in christ is there to take you through, and doesn't judge on whatever that is said. "..But i have not found one spirtual buddy," methinks. And this is one of the reasons i tried fabricating to my conscience, to weasel my way out of that unease and into a pseudo-justification about the lack of attendance. This is being dishonest to God and it is flimsy reasoning, i realised. Definitely there are people within the cell that has reached this comfort level. It is good that they found their connection within the cell itself. At this juncture, i am still wondering, and praying that He can answer my questions. Because, i don't wish to go to cell, feeling like its another tutorial, looking at the bible study book and reading the passages and discussing the questions that follows. It is strange, because there is comprehension at a thinking level, but doesn't speak within. There needs to be a revival, a thirst to seek Him. A need to put Him in focus again.


Got to make a confession. The book that the cell went through together, A Purpose Driven Life was meant to be read daily for 40 days, and later discussed during cell for the next 6 weeks that follows. I crammed 7 days worth of reading in one day prior to cell, and this isn't exactly what you would call, good attitude. =(


This is such a faithless post.