shitscared

Monday wasn't blue it was just blurry. Lack of sleep really. It's funny how every night when you have the opportunity to sleep early, but you just don't and then wake up feeling really sorry for yourself for having denied the most basic joy in life, which is glorious sleep. But somehow the lesson just doesn't stick, and the next night, again it happens, and the following morning, wallowing in sleep-deprived pity.


Anyways, the best way to start a Monday is to have a 3and a half hour conference meeting. It was pain. The regional director was sitting twelve o'clock across me, no way can i nod off. I was tasked to take notes although half the time not only did i not understand the IT jargon, can't make sense of the accents to save my life. Indian accent i'm ok, australian still can get it, indonesian ok, Thai and korean accents are the best. It doesn't sound english. Halfway about the 2hr mark, i went helium-minded. That was the threshold for me. Gerald suddenly went,"beverly!". Actually,"suddenly" is really subjective, cause when you are in dozey mood, somehow everything seems to be another suddenly. He asked me a question, which of course i couldn't answer, cause all energy was channeled from the brain, to fighting the closing eyelids.


I suppose the most convincing look, is to look very alert but yet a little bewildered. So bam! Big eyes! But i think it looked more like deer-caught-in-the-headlights. Turned out to be a really simple question, and the only reason that explained the inability to answer, was daydreaming of course.


Anyways, there was a trip to Phuket that had just passed. So this guy called David pulled this lousy joke. Apparently the Phuket itenary included either elephant ride or a buffalo ride. Buffaloes are known to be a little wonky cause when they feel pissed off, they start having spasms, and begin to run amok. This often leaves the buffalo-rider, more than a little distressed. So to cut the long story short, a gungho korean girl, Hyeon-Jin decided to ride the buffalo. She got really frightened and started screaming her lungs out. Buffalo got distressed hearing the screams and then stopped abruptly to take a poop. It's really strange to me how come the buffaloes have such weird reflexes. Anyways, David was like...so what does this say?


"It shows that you can literally scare the shit out of someone."


Urgh, that was SO crass.

I AM ON A BLOGGING BINGE!

Ah so much for angsty thoughts. It is hard keeping a balance being close to God and with day to day living. Wake up feeling really psyched and positive and to remind myself, to treat others with love and sensitivity. Honestly i do remind myself to do that everytime i rise from bed, but why is it so hard to rein in that same positivity throughout the day? It's like by noon, i have no more love to give. Makes me real pissed. Surely i can do better than that right.


Anyways, there wasnt much to do today, so I looked online for interesting things to tickle my armpits. I stumbled upon this website, directed from the google page. Very introspective i must say, about the author of the website. Pretty much a hillbilly with a philosophy. Well, i didn't give him the dubious honour of that, "Hillbilly" is the name he calls himself by .He says life is like a cake.



Hee hee. You want to eat the fluffy cake but you got to eat the fatty cream glob that sits on top of it. Hey..thats interesting. Methinks fatty glob is what explains the cake;s existence. But. Treadmill encourages us to take a step back and reconsider that option, carefully, always.



It is strange talking about Life like dressing up a naked mannequin. Life can be anything. It could be donut, sugary on the outside, but sometimes you feel a void inside..Or it could be murtabak, sometimes spicy like curry sometimes doughy-assed when it gets boring. All FOOD. Sigh..isn't it just meant to be? Hmm, Life, Food. Hmm..Free Food Foreverever. They share a common alphabet, 'F'. Really, this must be so much more than random occurence.


This must be Fate.



haha..don't think anyone can complain about a life as cake though.There is one cheesy thing I love to say when we talk about LIFE.


"Life IS a bed of roses. And roses have thorns."


Hoho, this really tickles my fancy.Cousin once said that there is ONE type of food that we will NEVER find in Heaven.



Which is, Buddha Jumps Over The Wall.



Cup Corn, anyone? We think about food toooo much.

why so?

Hah..I'm back here on Blogger. Let off some steam. Began wanting to say something but after typing username and password, i forgotten what exactly i intended to say. Want to talk but dunno what to say. Geez. Anyways, i realised that i have a 7 day week, 5days at work, two days tuition, sounds packed, but there are actually several pockets of time here there. I must say that it is strangely therapeutic talking to transperancy here Why so? Argh, i have 2 hrs to bum before busying later. It's irritating having weird times.


Anyways, according to Nat there are several kids in her school cutting themselves. Actually what is going through their minds as they take on these destructive behaviours. Perplexing.

Move like squid, think like octopus

So physically tired. Strange how much one week's exposure adds up to be. It meants much to me, having pushed out of my comfort zone. In a situation where you have to smile and mingle. Not really my cup of tea. I often think of myself as a closet recluse. How to make conversation without sounding like an interogator, basically how to engage a meaningful conversation. Nothing beats the awkwardness of having a two-person conversation and suddenly stuck with a constipating silence..And meanwhile everyone seems to be morbidly transfixed on a random ant carrying food, while desperately ticking off the checklist of things to say. That is probably why i don't exactly love one-to-one outings, cause it makes me nervous. Actually i find it stupid to think about such, but it seems very difficult to let it go, throw caution to the wind, and just be spontaneous. Ironically, when I remind myself to be spontaneous, the result turns out to be even more constipating. So never mind, just leave it as it is, go out in groups, and hopefully more ants cross paths with us.




The office people operate like a crustacean band, like they have segmented bodies and conjointed limbs. How do they manage multitasking mastery?? Baffles me deep cause i'm spurred on by the amoeba. Talk to me, then i can't type. Just do one thing at a time. This is working against the situation cause speed is fast. There aren't other interns around, only another accounting intern(but i have yet seen her around), so it is impossible to skive, no chance, and since what i'm doing now is actually fun mostly, so no reason to. Which is great, cause when i reach home i'm too bummed out to think myself silly. Check mail, not for gossipy spams, like i always do when im bored, but for work from Janice. I dunno, it just feels very rewarding to be trusted with relatively important things to do, and without having someone to second check your work, 2 minutes later. It feels, validated, trusted. But of course, filing and all that boredom is also part of the job. Today, the regional director bothered to take time to talk to me for 20 minutes, which i think it's very nice of him to do so, to explain the structure of the company and all that. Something i learnt only today is that 90% of hp and dell's products include SANs, which is the IT solution that brocade is providing. So that makes hp and dell, brocade's OEM. They do mainly OEM business. I thought that was pretty good to know.



Anyways, Gerald(regional director) said to me that the Singapore branch of Brocade has a position empty, the Local head. Speculation is rife about who or whoelse is about to fill this power vacuum. Interesting to watch. :)



I dunno, just really tired. Drained, in all sense of the word. But better drained than constipated. Don't wish to leave things on the limbo. But just hope things gets better, hmm ya..although i don't see how leaving the situation to rot will make it any better. It's ok, play by ear i suppose. Have a good day. :)


fyi-->(Raffles place has scary crowds, can potentially make normal people develop agoraphobia. We are seriously over-populated, we need to reclaim MORE land. Do you know Mongolia is the least populated area of only 2.6 million excluding donkeys and camels?)

TEE-GEE-I-FF!

The hotel event went off very smoothly, and smaller scale than what i had in mind. Anyways, it wasn't that like an exhibition but more like meet-up of partners. Was educated quite a bit on brocade's products. Well, it is not an advertising firm, actually, far far from it. Apparently, it is an IT business solution provider, with key customers from three areas, end users, channel partners(ding!) and OEM (dingding!). Rings a bell ah. Its provides SANs support, which is storage area network. Its partner company includes hp. So hp provides the external hardware, and brocade gives the storage support. According to the manager, brocade's coverage in S'pore is about 70%. Thats pretty fantastic. Seriously, i haven't heard of the company prior to this. End users include any organisation that has a large database and needs a storage area for all participants to share that hard disk. Something along that line. Ah, all the IT stuff.


What the department does is pretty much like what the textbook describes it to be. Managing database, check. After the hotel event, we collected a bunch of surveys, namecards of the sorts to be keyed into the system. Mundane stuff, stuff for the intern to do. Then we have to do a email blast using the newly updated database. Then do telemarketing too, calling individuals up to check who will attend and all that follow-up. Then pack the goodies, and the datasheets, and the lucky draw box and all that. Then set up the place, mingle around abit, collect more surveys, more namecards, bring back, then update. That's how the marketing pipeline looks like. To see how well marketing efforts has turned out, there is the weekly sales report to be compiled and a meeting every monday to discuss the next week's event.


Haha, that sounds like an instruction sheet. That's for the elog book by the way. Haha..


Actually this company is really quite different from Citibank. Maybe the only similarity is that both are Us firms. Citibank has a thing about punctuality. Louise implemented this (ridiculous) rule that whoever is late has to put 2 bucks into the team's kitty. Here, haha..everyone is late. 9 am is the supposed starting time, some people come at 8 plus, some at 9 plus, some decide to SOHO for the day. Ad-hoc timings and what have you. The big shots are always busying. At citibank, the Balcon dept calls the staff marketing officers, but really it is just telemarketing. Repeating the sames sales pitch as per every phone call, and get slammed on every one out of ten calls. Considering if you were to call 50 a day, that is more than enough to ruin the day. At brocade, i really really do marketing stuff, which is good, lots to learn. but i get paid 4 times lesser, pre-cpf deduction.
Btw, all the cute guys are gone. See la, the jinxed mouth. I shouldn't have mentioned them. Yep, they flew off and i only caught one name, which is Rick.


Oh, something REALLY perculiar. To get to the toilet, i have to bring a key and a security pass. First door, tap security pass, door opens, take key, open door. Huh? What is there inside the toilet that is good to steal? And, there are camera's everywhere. One in the pantry which is directed to the pantry's fridge, and ya..took 3 coke light cans in 4 days, so there. And there is beer in the fridge. And there are loads of spreads, jam, butter, margerine, cheese, excel(waha) but no bread.??? Is it possible to eat butter from a spoon??


Ah, all these cowpoke gritty details. Jooooyy..sometimes i needa some amusing to let the day get by easier. Especially at times where i have nothing else better to do besides staring at the screen...watching the pdf and zip files for the datasheets in download process...takes forever.. Little envelope icon files from left to right. Sometimes just bored to constipation.


Oh ya, This is funny. So there was supposedly a fire drill at 3-5pm, well for all of us to evacuate. So 2 o'clock comes along, Janice(my boss) says..beverly, i'm going back to do my work. Fire drill later. Then another office lady says..hey quickly evacuate the office before fire drill starts. Then Janice tells me..beverly, you can go home. Then i'm thinking, she must be kidding. So i said...as in, serious? Go home? She said...ya. Next thing i look up, half the office is gone. This is so so strange. Evacuating the fire evacuation. Anyways, of course, i didn't stay around to play hero. so..hhaha..but but..Fire doesnt tell you what time it is coming. No, seriously it doesnt come in the form of a signboard which says.."firedrill, 3-5pm". But again, even if it does, we arent punctual people. Probably have already been fried by then. Seriously, just go home.

Turtle-necked

This couple of days has been moving SO fast. Spinning since last fri, but it's really so much better than doing absolutely nothing. Day has been great. There were just very much to do and learn..ad-hoc stuff will include placing reservations for air tix and hotel accomodation, Fedex-ing to places, updating database (which is really a bore). Interesting stuff is that i get to negotiate prices for the collaterals by myself! And get their price quotations and pass to the Boss to approve. I sat in on Mon when Ivon(colleague who's handing over to me) was negotiating with the seller. Pretty interesting.


New task includes posting a PR (purchase request) on the oracle system, to get it approved. Compiling weekly sales report. And i get to go to an event tomorrow at Intercontinental hotel, which is great cause that will take all the way to mid afternoon. Good to move around. Lunch time seems to be where those underlying office politics get its fair airtime. Yada yada this..who's got bad temper, who is super cheong-hei, who is a loud-mouth, who is the ladies man...quite a lot. Actually there are more guys then there are ladies, guys, as in cute guys. HAH. What else..oh the pantry's good too. They have Coke LIGHT. Loads inside the fridge that sure makes my daaay..


Got to go hit the ZZzzzzzs. Hope your day was great too. :)

This funny love-hate is strange to feel.
Wouldn't go so far as to proclaim a love-hate
It is more like a like-dislike
It actually oscillates so fast in between the two
I can't help having made a hypocrite on account of that.


This something is pretty puzzling.
Suppose A has a problem to deal,
B tells A.."hey you know your problem is so miniscule"
"C has a greater problem to deal with that yours".



B is trying to make A feel better by virtue of downward comparison. I guess something like..be contented that your problem is smaller. Again, knowing that C has a bigger problem than himself (A), doesn't make A's problem any easier to deal with at all. In relation to hypothetical cosmic world with only the existence of A, B and C, everyone has differing threshold of a difficulty of a problem.Problems are of many nature. Physical, physiological, emotional, psychological, yada yada.. A random person may cope better with an emotional problem as compared to a work related problem.


Point is that with the differing threshold, differing problems, how is it possible to compare who's problem is bigger, when each person perceives a problem differently? The warped logic of being happier/less sad when compared to someone else's worser fate is repulsive as well.


In general, this makes no sense to me at all. And it is usually used when one person wants to deviate some attention away from the problem itself, and so he does not feel tasked to make the other person feel better.

It is Funny in a haha way

It is amazing how two people can look SO alike. My jaw headed south. It is a pretty weird feeling. You feel like you know this person and because it bears much resemblance to someone you know; there is the tendency to assume they are a tad bit alike. Ungrounded reasoning of course. Nonetheless it was strange, very strange. I was just staring stupidly and trying hard to stifle my laughter. Even the voice intonations sound the same, quite a dumbfounding day really.



Reminds me of the time in Nj where i was perpetually late everyday. It was just such a gargantuan task having to cope with the pressures of school all that floundering teenage angst and at the same time, balancing extra sleep and making it on the dot for the last bus. Ah, perfect nonsense. Anyways, college starts at 7.45, but the assembly area is waaay at the back. According to my walking pace, i need 8 minutes to skip pass the red track and trudge up the hilly area. Running will take 3minutes, provided if you run fast, and are willing to sweat bullocks for that. Another route will be to go up the stadium and cut through the canteen. That would take 6 minutes. But hell no, you cannot take that route. SharonP will be there to catch any tinge of dyed hair.



There was once i went that way, SharonP assigned me the role of a toilet police and made me go into the female toilet to get this girl out. Because Girl was late and decided to take cover in the toilet cubicle. Methinks that was honestly a really good tactical move, but not before SharonP had already seen her running in. I didn't run in. Not because i was saintly, but because SharonP called my name before I could. And there wasn't another YeeMei around. So i stayed put. The funny thing is, Girl vehemently refuses to come out, i told her SharonP was waiting outside for her, she just kept mum to pretend that nobody was inside. Kept talking to her, to the walls and basins, and sanitary bins and after a while she decided to ask me to tell SharonP that she isn't inside. Wow, that was really smart.



Girl was determined to toilet squat for a bit and run out when the coast is clear. SharonP aint going to do no coast clearing that day. So basically it was shuffling between cubicle and canteen. It was plain ridiculous and i felt really stupid having to do as such at 8 in the morning. Told SharonP that Girl doesn't want to come out, SharonP tells me go in and ask her out, I go in, Girl refuses again. This happened a few times. Well, i just remembered the day ended with wiping the tables in the canteen after school, with Girl and Betsy.

There is this atrium area in college where it hails the names of the President scholars from National Junior College. The first name on the honour roll? Haha..PM Lee Hsien Loong. There is a school motto somewhere around that area too, I can't jog my memory on the exact spot. It reads..NJC's Strategic Thrusts..and below are all the thrusts apparently that we are striving for. It never fails to crack me up. The Lit-ty gritty people from A03 spotted it sometime back and we didn't know why..whyfore NJC, with all the other intellects, did not recognise the inherent sexual connotation to that. Haha..so there..thrusting all the way.

Oh...i really digressed! Where was I? Oh ya, Route A. The 8 minutes route. So usually the last ditch way is to dump my bag in the hockey corner where all the sticks are, then sprint 100m up a terribly inclined slope. There was this girl who is late 9 out of 10 times, she looked Really like my close friend, QY. QY is incidently my fellow Ncc platoonmate, fellow lower sec classmate all rolled into one squishy tummy roll. And now she's in NTU too! Together with funny Janelle, we used to enjoy stuffing our faces with stuffed crust pizza.

The new girl was really really similar, she's althelic too like QY and she had this wall to her. As in she was cordial, but she was not outwardly friendly. Felt this extremely favourable liking towards her, just because she reminds me of someone close inside, but not in close proximity. So when I see her around in school, I actually try to go around to say hi and chit chat abit. Say hello and all, but cannot remember her name. This incident came to mind because i was on the phone with QY for abit before she hopped on a plane to head to the States. She is such a marshmellow underneath the steely gaze and the occasional lackadaisal attitude. For all that, she is such a strong person, almost fearless. Totally look up to her on that. Strange isn't it, a one off encounter draws so much memories.


There is no exact point that i what to make, but that I just felt strange, in a good way. So okay, let's make that funny then. :)

Just a bit candy-esque

It was such pain to do serious hamster drill, after alternating between sick and lazy times for about three weeks. Serious because if you haven't been moving for three weeks, any form of exercise is going to be really serious. I'm not going to lie and say woohoo i love exercise with a burning passion. Of course not. Burning units-of-energy, more like. Most of the time, it is the tummy jiggle that dictates its necessity. Running aimless in the woods is nice, you get to see some scenary changes. Ain't no woods in Singapore. Running on the treadmill, what i see has been the same for 2 long years. So it gets really boring unless there is boom boom music to psych it up. I don't actually think it is feasible to do decent running with Norah Jones; that will be swimming music.



Anyways, it wasn't easy at all! The first km was breezy, second km, a little more beep-bopping, third km..oh my gosh, struggling! Fourth km, some bulldog face going. Fifth km..jeez louise!! Did I say i am going to run a 21k?! Six km..let's beach up. Six point two km..I Give Up.


Oh by the way, the action party's flags are gone. But we haven't got to see our MP's as yet. Personal take on the elections is that it resembles that of a snow globe. Things get shaken up, wait awhile, everything settles back to status quo. SDP bites the dust. What is has done is, shaken things up. Brought out the public's new found acceptance towards fresh faced politicians. No changing hands of GRCs, but Gomez gets a second hit, and they called up Sylvia Lim and Mister Low for questioning too. First time in very long do we get to see some political dirt on the surface. Makes me wonder what have we missed out on under the carpet.



Anyways, am starting to feel like a bonsai, waiting for attachment to start. Day is very routine, wakeup, go out, come back, read papers, come back, muck around for awhile, sleep. Funnily enough, it still feels pretty cream crackered at the end of the day. Despite not doing much. There is nothing smart and constructive to do. There is nothing smart about going out to makan and lim kopi. Friends have started on their attachments, but mine doesn't start till the 22nd. The boss sent an email to say she will be away for meeting and will only be back 2 weeks later. So its pushed back for 2weeks. And I was stupid enough to think that I got the longer end of the stick. But no, you start late, you jolly well end late. I'm wishing for the days will to pass a little faster, so there is something constructive to do.


Besides that, I picked up a random book at church last week. It is one of those complimentary booklets they have, tucked away in a corner at the worship hall. It looked exactly the way a boring book should look. But in a peculiar way, it caught my eye. In between ushering duties, i managed to take a peek. Thumbed through it, and it just spoke to me deep. The book entire is about faith. Something sticks..here goes:


"Whenever feeling useless to the Lord, and everything seems so meaningless, yet I can wait calmly, nor murmuring nor losing courage, but asserting on God's sovereignty, believing that he has surely set a timely and ordained plan."


How true, to draw strength from the Lord both in good times and in bad. It is one of those books that builds you up when your faith is weak, and when the days are bleak. Reminds me of the book of Proverbs meets the book of Psalms. It chids, but you get shaken up, and you sit a little straighter the next day.


I think that is so soothing to know that the Big Guy upstairs has meted out a plan, that is best, just for you. It just feels really loved. On another note, I don't feel up to it at all to lead cell. It is this nagging feeling inside that says.."what you? for pete's sake.. you skipped so many sessions of cell!" As a matter of fact, i didn't know what to say when Es made mention to that at last cell. Just wondering is there anyone more appropriate for it.



Sb dearest will be having her baptism come this 27th. She has moved so far in her christian walk. Her baptism will be at Pasir Ris. So proud of her! Isn't it the best way to start a twentyfirst? She is so much a blessing really. For all the mushy mutterings, she will say "i love you!!" and i will say "me too!! and three and four and five!"


Be happy be nice, have faith and everything will be fine.
I hope.

Big bird

Should I say that this bird is such an inspiration? Hah..doesnt sound very smart. Something interesting is that this seagull is one-legged (if you were to look really close) but somehow it still manages to get by, find food, stay alive. Get the drift? haha

Thats all, i really love this pic, like this bird, and I wanted to share this pic. ;)

who knows it best?

Yesterday i was in a frenzy, jumped out of bed at a crazy 5am cause i had this really lousy gut feeling that my phone was lost. And so along with it, came some throwing pillows around, opening and slamming the drawers, sticking an arm and a head into the closet, and i even searched under the treadmill. Such a bummer, my phone, gone for good. No good. Felt so like a crushed peanut since this phone had significance to me. Both the phone and the contacts in the phone. I don't actually mean monetary significance, but this phone was a gift.


Gift, indeed it was. Well at least the attempt to extend the lift-upgrading gift to Potong Pasir and the cool $100 mil to Hougang GRC! Wow..it just goes to show how much PAP has in its kitty. I think the term "how much", pretty much stretches to a lot. Probably when it comes to such expenditure, the party takes on a blank-cheque approach. I thought that was pretty high-handed, to fight (big)toe-to-(pinky)toe with the opposition, well knowing that the opposition are funds challenged. That would be 2 seats out of 86(i think) for the opposition in parliament. Barely a seat warmer. It is not about fighting the PAP for the sake of doing so, more like to shift the power balance a little.


Because there is heat from the opposition, PAP throws benefits to the constituency like confetti. Here at Jurong GRC, where it has been a walkover, since..well, since forever, you don't see lift upgradings or tree prunings and the likes. So far, nothing much, just a token number of PAP flags along the neighbourhood parks. Maybe they are going to take it off tomorrow? It must be real heartening for the opposition to see the % vote counts increase...to think that the WP would be discredited due to the Gomezgate incident. In the end, they had the best showing...funny the twist of events. Negative publicity did them good in the end.


You got to have faith.