haywire

i postively tink tt im going haywire. from a happily pissed off kuku yesterday to a kuku nonetheless, but this time a sad pissed. must be going mad. feeling green. seeing green. literally. getting sappy (as always). tink im a plant, coz ive got sap flowing through my veins instead of blood. aniwaes, dere's always seem to be the need to look really calm and collected, like nuthin can get u down. beneath that is an emotional wreckage. okie, realised tt this sounds like a schizo jibberish rambling. so im tryin to hide my feelings. very well, i admit i am, tt's because haven came to terms with it. it really sucks like the toilet bowl pump. im feelin clogged up.

see..itz my fault that im feelin tis way, simply because i allowed myself to. but now, sinkin into this denial mode, tryin to thrust de blame on smthg else, anything. seriously, it doesn't help coz the more you deny a certain feeling the more it comes back like a boomerang to whack u doubly hard. hate it, absolutely. abhore it to the core. this really sucks, besides the word "suck" cant find another word in the dictionary that expresses this exact feel. it really isn't a whoozy headed feeling but im genuinely perplexed. And tryin to much avail to verbalize this emotion.

man! i screwed things up again. why do i always have this knack of screwin up. such a basketcase. tis is really insane. im not making human sense. sheesh, dun even know what to say. talked to sabai juz now, managed to sort things out a little. after we hung up de basketcase emerged again.

okie i shall attempt to unknot this tangled mess. first being passive is one of the biggest mistake in life. Because u simply meditate vegitate and do nuthin. de most pathetic thing is not because im guilty of this. but im guilty yet sulk complain & whine.

haizz..after blasting it out for awhile. feels much better really. come to tink of it rationally, actually nuthin to get worked up, and fray all de nerves. hmm..now beginning to appreciate the phrase "empty vessels make the most noise". you know..a little less conversation a little more action please. then at least the chances of saying something stupid or something wrong decreases. tis is the lesson i've gotta learnt to minimize de tendency of saying smthg only to regret later, and there's no way to retract tt.

still feelin a lil green. and a little frazzled.

a moment of reflection

hmm, cant believe i wrote the previous piece of whiny crap.
saw the papers, 123,ooo pple died in the tidal wave. tt's really alot.
the most heart-wrenching pic muz be the one where a row of babies were lined up. itz really warped, coz they looked as though they were sleepin. life and death is juz seperated wit a thin line. tt pic gives me a queasy feelin. de forces of nature is really unimaginable. as de news reports keep on rolling new pictures of the diasater scene, each shot seems to be more heart-wrenching then the previous one. pictures of relatives wailing, bodies unclaimed, pple scrambling to get food form the ration groups. i mean u take a look around you, in singapore it is the food waiting for the people.

de impact of tt disaster seems to sink in with more depth each day. de pain the surviving family members must be so terrible. totally uprooted from de place they knew, pple ard then, everything thrown into chaos.

wonder how hard was the struggle before they succumbed, de babies are so young they probably had no clue they were on Earth, let alone they died. so is tt gd? mebbe it wasn't even painful, mebbe it came so fast dere was no pain at all. actually, who am i to comment when im sitting comfortably on a chair typing tis.

tt's juz a thot tt can never be quite translated into words. the sanctity of emotions, is smthg u can nv define but smthg u can feel for.

MENsus

okie today woke up feelin crap. so crappy i prob woke up walking sideways. my mum found out tt my mensus was irregular, coz i open my fat flopping mouth & i told her. & de moment it came out i felt like smacking myself. so dere, scooted off to this chinese sinseh, start askin me how long has it been irregular. seriously! wat's the big fuss? u get to save a few pads, no pms-ing for a few mths & then makes life a lil more exciting not knowing when ur next mensus will come rite?! & i was in tis fucked up pissy mood, black face. feelin so happy i could jolly well go stick my tongue in the fan. the chinese sinseh place smelt like some i dun even noe how to describe..aniwaes it stinks like monkey crap.

so now the best part. after enduring all the nagging hell frm my mum abt why so-long-never-come-still-din-tell-her, finally got to see the sinseh. i mean, nv knew tt irregular mensus was smthg u nd to tell. ast time my mum dragged me into this lingerie shop to buy u-noe-wat. and then my dad was behind, and then de sales assistant was like..ermm..size?? my mum was like..SmALLEsT!! WAT!!! then im like no mummy, NO! im a D, Dynamite..(explode in ur face) or so i say.( shrug and wave in a prissy manner) my mum hahaz! juz hands down amazed with her. oh well, i always go straight into defensive mode when she mentions tis.mum was rather shocked tt i knew wat thongs were. to her, tt was juz plain ol' sleazy, & tt it gives a permanent butt-crack-splitting wedgy. some kinky hooker wear. evil too, coz literallt they are a pain in de arse. budden thongs got several meanings! 1) undies 2)slippers 3) the kiap-kiap thing on the bbq. so ya! she saw my thongs before.

okie..i digressed again. but tt's the arty-farty prototype ya. tt brainwaves are haphazard and they always lang-ga inside de head tt's why art folks can nv have coherent thots. wah, the chinese sinseh was fantastic. he said tt first do i slp late? nope, early in de morn. & my mum gave me tt see-la-told-u-dun-slp-late-still-dun-listen look. okie so de sinseh made it sound as tho my body was screwed up inside-out upside-down. (umm..FIGURATIVELY speaking, puhlease dun even tink towards de wayward side). my liver wasn't so good, eyes not too gd, heart beat irregular (like my mensus). seriously, if everything in the world could go wrong it muz be in de sinseh room. oh ya..bring it on sinseh baby..wats next? erectile dysfunction?

den came the grossed out black medicine. apparently this black poop can make my fallopian tubes drop eggs..as claimed by the sinseh. hell no! hmm..this mth one side the other month one side. freaked me out. then the whole consultation the modal(hahaz..maths!) word was egg. egg this egg tt, half-boiled will be fine. ya..technically speakin i noe dere are eggs droppin, but no nd so explicit rite! so cluck-cluck-i-feel-like-a-mother-hen, i-wanna-eat-ur-chicken-wing. wth.

so wats the lesson learnt? nv tell ur mum tt u have irregular mensus, i noe she cares but de sinseh..!haizz.. wait..MENsus..MEN should have it. let em' bleed. PERIOD.

pink pathos

okie..now im staring stopidly at the screen going hmmphh..?? yep..why did i chose pink? itz not me, itz too innocent too sweet too happy..too unlike me. oh well, not to say tt im a sad & sobby-i-lurve-knitting-at-home biartch. nope..not the case. actually can never quite definite ourselves. was with a group of frens on this particular day and then another fren from another social circle came along. hmm..which was weird. coz it suddenly occured to me tt we put on different masks when we are with different peeps.

so it was uncomfortable to say the least. coz wit one grp im tis lamey-corny-horny talk of a person. then wit the other fren im tis pondering soul. so( no pun intended) wat do u get?? itz like a identity crisis u noe. itz like some out of the body experience cum simultaneous schizophrenic syndrome. ok..talk to this fren (lame mode), turn ur head talk to another fren (more serious) mode. i mean its freaky! then realised tt since we adopt different identities with different peeps, so where's the real person? dun even noe! hmmm..need a mirror to my soul, want to see myself frm outside and self-critic. wth..all tis is impossible..so why am i still blabbering?!

i guess tis is an outlet to vent the pent up emotions, feelins and thots tt can nv be expressed to someone faceup. itz awkward, but de feelins here is as true as it can get. doesn't really help tt im in biz, actually ended up dere by default. couldn't get into law, dunno wat to do in fass, so here i am. in biz, deres like no writin or expressing how u feel. its kinda straight up in ur face mathsy stuff, which is waaaayyy outta my league, if not some info tech stuff. dunno..like feelins tis kinda intangible thing is conveniently swept under de carpet. gotta admit tt some thots are not constructive at all. juz need my emotional laxative, to shit out, mental detox all the weird thots tt is fox-trotting abt in my bimb brainer.

im happy, coz something juz happened. some stuff tt leaves me smiling like one complete nutcase. okie im officially off my rockets..blasting off to neva-neva land. balloony state of mind!

hmm..realised tt sometimes as blogging goes along, dere's this tendency of sounding real pathetic, sad, im-gonna-die-and-go-to-hell-now-so-fuck-outta-my-way kinda tone. if not there's the angst-filled biartch jumpin & swearing like dere's no tml, as if de whole dam world owes them smthg. hmmm..guess this is the polarity of emotions. but i seriously dun tink life is so sobby. in fact, dropping in an emotional trough is a part of normalcy so long as u got to somehow get out of it. mebbe beneath the facade we see in pple everyday, there's this uncivilised weirdo tt lurks underneath..beware..hahaz. umm..tt sounds scary. ahh..so why pink?! i dunno..coz itz frivolous? oh ya..pink pathos..mmm..i like tis..

mental diarrhoea

man! so this is really me blogging..have always been techno (tech-no!), always thot tt pple who thrive on the online world were deluded.! hahaz..so now im joining the ranks of the tacky techy folks!! heh heh..u noe i was jus tinkin how come some peeps really are so sociable, whilst im socially inept. my best fren sabai was jus askin me to meet new pple coz she was tinking of introducing some new frens..yep and so i happily agreed to..and so happily backed out on the same day itself coz i've got cold feet. seriously, im jus in awe at how pathetic tt was. so now, im tryin to move slowly slowly very slowly outta my small little comfort world.

actually sometimes u wonder how much of a person u really do noe. i mean ive come to this conclusion not to look so deeply into pple. juz go in wit an open mind. ya..easier said then done. especially when pple get into this emotional-share-ur-feelins- mode, sheesh, it kinda freaks me out. ya..actually it happened once. and the worst thing is couldn't exactly escape frm the situation. it really constipated me down to the bones. aniwaes, rem giving some lame description of myself, skirting some things here and there. fidgit abit, smile, shrug. so after tt was pretty grossed out with myself. i mean itz like lying u noe. coz i wasn't exactly telling the truth, but tryin to smoke some answers. hmm..

i guess emotional attachment is something i yearn for yet something i fear. coz itz like opening urself up? there's a certain insecurity bout tt. who noes? may kena snubbed in the process. hmmm...was juz reading an article..infatuation is being "in love wit the idea of love", it doesn't lasts long, coz basically u are merely liking ur own rose tinted perception of who u want ur ideal partner to be..so dam true..okie next, puppy love, again an extention of infatuation but the liking is usually at a physical or mental lvl. yep, love is where two imperfect persons coming togther to accept each other and to establish common goals. oops..i never knew wat the last one was. itz so amazing when u see an old couple holding hands. sweet.

always said to my mum tt she can perish up the thot of having grandchildren frm my side, & wait for my bro. or if not, i'll probably get divorced along the way, & get entangled in some wham-bam child-wrestling court case. eventually lose all my money, my virtual child, and my virtual hubby, yes, to this youngER nubile bitch. and i'll squat in a nunnery start knitting, and start my bitch-fitching about how trashy & bastardy all men are with my fellow sad bitches. finally i'll die on a bitching high with my mouth twisted sideways. then she will have tis scrunched up expression on her face. like total bewilderment. then i'll be like never mind..& then it will end there. okie, tt sounded a tad of a drama mama. im sorry, im frm arts, arty-farty peeps are SUPPOSED to have frivolous nonsensical, over the top thots, & then when they get a lil kuku they start waxing lyrical bout shakespeare?! uh-uh sciency folks, it aint so!! oh ya, but i dun have the habit of farting aniwaes. no worries, tt can be cultivated (yucks), & u can be the first to blissfully savour the deEeElightful aromaTIC stench of it all..ahh..fantabulouz..

mebbe i haven met de ONE yet.

well,always been toying with the "in love wit the idea of love". which eventually kinda equates to likin a virtual image & i tink its pretty warped. haizz..i could verbal diarhoea on this topic for the longest time, bore ur pants off, or constipate u as well. but again..there;s no end to tis.